Jillian ann= Musician/Muse

2003-07-03T05:40:00.000-07:00

for some reason blogger is not working right and not letting my journals post.

they are being posted in my yahoo group as always so until i fix the problem with the bloggers, look for my journals at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/JillianAnn

jillian

2003-06-24T06:22:00.000-07:00

I know there are angels who are happy in heaven right now because there is one more soul in the clear. A soul in the clear to me is when someone connects with God in a way where he goes from being impersonal to personal. Now, the sad truth is that most so called religious people don't talk to God. In fact, most people believe it’s not possible and, well, it isn't if you don't believe it is or if you’re numb to your soul.

One more in the clear after years and years of me asking God. I do that because I learned that I have nothing to do with things. It’s in God’s hands, not mine. So as far as God and someone connecting, I know I can’t do it. I am not a fuse maker. I just walk around and try to ask the angels to pass on a message. Usually, it has to do with them having a good heart and they are just lost or a bit mislead.

But when they awake, it’s always the same. Lives change. Everything becomes clear. What didn't make sense now does. And the path becomes much easier. Not because it is any easier or painless, but because now there are instructions.

It’s funny because that's how it works. You open your heart, you listen and through life or dreams or just hearing your soul, you will get a check list for life.

Dreams. God was the original dreamer and creator. So you think we wouldn't dream and create? What is amazing about this is, well, you never run out of ideas. Ever. And there are always new ones. Once you finish the instructions, God will sometimes give you downtime, and sometimes not. If he does, don't complain. I used to. Then God would pour way too much at once in and I would be like. “SLOW down. I can’t keep up. Even on coffee.” So now I learn to enjoy the downtime and the silence because, well, we all know the world isn't in the best state so I don't think God’s going to sit back and let it all go on without being creative as usual about making sure people remember life is more important than money and tv. Much more important.

In fact, He will use freaks, geeks and other random creatures to be His little extensions. Granted, there are hundreds, maybe thousands. I know a good handful. All who have a bad taste for organized religion and a huge creative drive. A church is no more than two people doing something with God or following instructions or just sitting and listening and offering the body up as a prayer. God doesn’t care if you’re doing yoga or running or singing or riding a train or in your car. He isn't limited like we are.

Anyways, so I am happy! One less life where the light won’t go out because once you communicate with God on a personal level and it becomes real and not some idea or image or whatever. It changes everything. Granted, as I said, it’s hard to get there unless you're a child or willing to be like one. Eyes open. Heart open. And not blocking. Because of preconceptions that God is this or that, or you have to do this or that, or blah blah be a rock star, be a dancer, be a musician, be a freak or a geek, or be in the army. It doesn't matter what you do and you know what? This whole sin thing? Get over it because God did and, frankly, we all sin so don't let guilt get you down. That's just the real evil trying to keep you from seeing the truth. Move on, let go, and live free. No chains, no fears.

Granted, God won’t save you from facing temptation or things that hurt. That's life. But remember. There are instructions.

2003-06-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

in my dream, i went to speak to a man who was meditating on a bed. i went to his room. it was high and we sat across from each other. he would speak to me and was a guide of sorts. he was wearing all white. i don't think he was a man but, rather, an angel in the form of a man. it took place in the future. the world was messy and strange things were happening. i can't remember too much because i made a phone call, meditated, and talked to God before I came here to write, but I remember what he told me and continues to tell me through life and through dreams. It's always the same message over and over. It just comes in different ways and different forms. It is about listening to the heart and how God searches the hearts of man so he knows a man's true and pure desires. Even though our minds may be tempted and fall over and over, it is the heart that God looks at. I remember he was warm. It was peaceful. Maybe i got a glimpse of heaven in the dream.

Last night's dream was strange as well. i went back to the old church I grew up with and it was full of people who were dead. Not dead physically, but their hearts were cold. i was trying to go the bathroom and get water and no one would help me. They kept saying I had to join. i went downstairs and there were these huge metal monsters everywhere that were filling the old classrooms I grew up in -- the places where I used to play. They were dark and looked like the things were taking over. I tried to go to the old safe place, but they were all full. i went back upstairs and i tried to relate, to speak, so i could understand what was going on. They took money and had turned into a social club. They were cold and ice box like. When i needed real help, I was turned away.

One word burned in my mind -- arrogance.

What is this about? Then i realized that it's a combination of two things. One is within myself. i feel most religious organizations have become cold and country club-ish and therefore they don't help anyone's real spiritual needs. So that explains the dream. Although it was like Hollywood and needless to say old women and men in suits with candy and coffee and jewels telling me they couldn't help me because i was NOT ONE OF THEM. And that brings me to the arrogance part. Many of the wars we have and the problems we have and the negative things that happen are cause by one religious group thinking it is right and everyone else is wrong. They then shun and turn away people with real needs because they are not one of them (not to mention killing each other). Then they get into wars about stupid things like what God's name is. I don't think God cares if you call him "Baba" or "God" or "dude."

The second thing was the machines or demonic-ish machines because i don't think they were real. It was a presence i could see or feel. i saw this monster inside the church downstairs destroying the place -- taking it over. That, to me is the force which i see under the surface of most organized religion. A force from a very dark twisted place that is twisting things, making the Catholics live with guilt, telling the southern Baptists if they don't repent, "they'll burn in hell." That is the force which is sucking the life out of the world and it isn't good. It is dark and nasty and if you had seen it in my dream, maybe you would understand. It is like a shadow that you don't see or like a gas leak that you don't smell. It is what no one will talk about, yet everyone knows. It was that they were going on their merry way drinking their tea and eating their cookies and under the surface, they were becoming and feeding the very thing they are supposed to be trying to stop.

Arrogance. Strange dream.

Yesterday, i woke up looked at beautiful mittens. i didn't want to leave. His bed is a cocoon, warm and safe. hmmmmmmmm. i got up anyways, lost my subway card, found my subway card, went to dance class. My dance teacher is great. Old and funny and still working. "i like doing," she said, "not watching." Doing.

i go to dance and i learn about life. Then i went back home to get my camera. i wrote in the train, i read in the train, i meditated in the train. i walked in the rain. So be it. Rain never bothered me anyways. My umbrella was left at the coffee shop and mittens has my other one.

So then i went to Paulo's to shoot. i walked in the rain some more. Rain, Rain. i get there like a late wet dog, but so be it. i laugh. i am soaked but at least i don't have to worry about my hair today because for this shoot, we came up with a concept for my music.

Paulo and i have known each other for years and for years we have had a deep connection. Our souls are on the same channel, so everything else falls into place including art. we cut up my clothing and we make art. As always, each shot out does the last. We shoot in the water and i feel like a fish. Doing underwater shots can be draining. We listen to music loud. We don't need to speak anymore. We read each others' thoughts when we work. Then we shoot and shoot and shoot.

Now i just had a feeling to go home and get my camera which earlier i hadn't thought of. Why? i don't know. But that's why i was late. i just had a gut feeling "go home and get your camera" and sure enough, what happened was we shot a bunch of beautiful footage that once cut to music and edited by Glenn will make an awesome little video, not to mention that Paulo and i discovered a new art form. It never ends. We made something which i hope will be a music video or at least a strange little art piece and we also made a ton of amazing pictures.

i was sitting there and we were talking and then i heard it again, "Paulo needs to meet Dave" so i said to him, "you need to meet Dave. i don't know why but you do." Paulo smiled as he always does -- like a child at the sun. We walked in the park, talking about life, art, inspiration, the state of humanity, what we can do, what we live for, what we die for, what life is. Then we sat and ate. He had a burger :) and i had a salad and miso soup at dojo. then it was time to come home.

so i come home and i am working on email and im and stuff and talking to mittens as usual and we were talking about Dave. Then i go and check my email and there is a letter from Dave and at the end of it it says, "BTW i need a photographer from the lower east side who shoots both commercial work and work for his soul"

now, was it coincidence or fate or serendipity? does it matter?

i email them both back to make the introduction and we shall see what comes of it. now i must go.

bye bye

i have a shoot and in 30 minutes, my car is coming

bookings are very good

Have a good day and umm, yes, i am a bit strange, but then again i am an artist. What do you expect?

cheers!

ps i just have to add that the reason i think we have so many problem in the world is because no one is getting any spiritual food. They try to replace it with food, sex, money, drugs, power, tv. Need i go on?

anyways just fyi

2003-06-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

-So the last few days have been a bit
Intense its around 8 pm I think

I have been trying to get to the bottom or at least
Untangle some big things- or maybe it is like this my emotional state has felt like it is in a war- and the thing is I don¡¦t think its my emotions- the problem is or maybe it¡¦s a blessing but I have always been able to feel peoples emotions- physically feel all of them- this is a good thing when your surrounded by warm people who are peaceful- it is not a good thing when your around tense people or granted in the world today it has taken me sometime to learn to be able to bounce feelings- or reverse them- or to try to counteract the feelings or do what I can to reach out and help release them= which usually removes the negative even if its pain. Most the time I just feel very motivated to work, because for the first 18 years of my life I didn¡¦t know how to cope with it. I felt the pain of the world I felt the anger of the world I felt everything and it was too much and so as a child I found peace in nature and music. Because there I could release and recharge. When I was first aware I thought I was supposed to intercede and I would often which would usually freak people out. When a little girl comes to you and says stop feeling like you want to die there is a way out and you don¡¦t know this girl well some people would cry others would turn off and look away and say I am fine.

So then well I learned I couldn¡¦t go around trying to one by one open people up and pull out there pain cause there were just too many, in fact being aware of the need almost was my undoing because I felt like I was supposed to go around and try to help everyone, then things started to make sense- music the internet lots of people, the media- I was pretty young when I realized I could use the media- to do something- so then that was it I was going there- most people are driven by wanting money or fame or stuff or whatever- I am driven by awareness- I am driven by the fact that I walk around and my heart goes out- hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm so needless to say I found I can mold myself into any appearance I can do lots of things- I was blessed-with the ability to be a sponge and learn quickly

So now my recent state it¡¦s like someone shortfused the circuit and it went from peace to just like a whirlwind of energy that wasn¡¦t so peaceful- like does it I will call it blender mode

You wake you and you feel the world is in a blender on high and you are the bananaƒº
So when I pray or meditate or just in my creative zone I often check in with people- it like I learned the soul is a receptor, and I learned you can use it and it unlike human bodies is not bound by space- so its like channels and you can leave your channels open to other peoples souls or you can feel them- granted most people done know there emotions or there soul because they turned this off so it only works if your soul has been on ¡V and you have been listening or feeling- so for years or my entire life I would once I love someone or care about them I would be open to them all the time- so usually everything is fine and dandy but then sometimes I feel something and its usually strong- I feel like a mother sometimes- mothers always know with there babies- maybe it is just a very strong mother-is nurture-ish thing. Now then so something is wrong its like someone takes my energy and yanks it away- then I stop and listen, and I open up and really listen and usually I just feel whatever there feeling- granted that puts me in a strange place ¡V so what do you do when you know someone is hurting or angry or freaking out or doing drugs or lying to you or cheating on you? And you know but they don¡¦t know you know and so do you go around popping everyones sense of reality because most people live there lives thinking what they feel inside is a secret? Which it isn¡¦t to anyone who listens and is open and has a large receptive heart which is work¡K¡K.there are no secrets- you may think there are but then one day you may meet someone like me- or someone else who feels things under the surface- I learned over years though when to intercede and when not to- there are only two times I will act as in physically to intercede- if I feel like they are too drained to see or do it alone- or if it is a life or death situation- or if there is a door they are missing that if they miss will end up being a huge negative- there are a few other things- I will then just go in and try to just help people by helping them see feel accept and release whatever it is underneath that is causing all the trouble

The soul is like a garden
And there are weeds these weeds suck you dry they drain you
Or we could say stumpy
Or shadows
Or demon
Depending on your level of wanting to believe in anything- or not- but regardless you¡¦re here by choice so if you don¡¦t want to think about these things skip down- now these are other things I sense- and frankly there is a light and a dark working all the time all around the clock. There is no God, there are no angels or demons you say your crazy: ok fine consider me so but you know what my entire life when I looked at things and said ok lets find the truth- are you from God or not ¡V it helped me learn how to keep the weeds from growing and taking all my energy- now we will talk about my feeling- When I feel worry I know this is not from God- its says don¡¦t worry look at the birds the trees they are fine and how much more do I love you cause you¡¦re my child- so whenever I worry I go outside and I look at the birds and the trees I go I lay in the park, I do this now whenever the worry dark shadow or whatever comes around. Then I also look at my life well what can I change to not worry. The reality is not much, we cant control anything but our own actions and most worry comes from other people actions the economy the state of the world your lover, since you cant control them you have two choices to let mr.shadowman worry take your energy and make you weak or you go out to the world and look up and remember your loved and taken care of and life has has a course and sometimes bad things happen for a reason. Then there is fear, now there is only one thing to fear and that¡¦s fear itself because fear is like worry, afraid of what? Someone wont love you? Your not good enough? Fear the world will fall apart? The world will always fall apart, if you try to live by the good enough rule you¡¦ll always be unhappy and people may or may not love you- fear will control you it will keep you from doing good things, from being positive if you let fear infect your life it will make you avoid those you love, it will destroy your relationships, it will destroy your work,.
Now what to do about fear well, basically it¡¦s a lie so when you find yourself slipping you have to catch yourself and remember it is a lie. Now there is good fear like if you sense someone is harmful, that is a warning, but that is different, some fear means avoid- anytime there is fear it should be looked at understood and then let go of-
Guilt is one of the most powerful and destructive forces that kills peoples light/energy/souls guilt is what has made religion more dark then light, guilt is what keeps people on there couches hating themselves and the world, guilt is what often destroys friendships relationships and creations- guilt is often caused by anger we feel at ourselves for doing things that harm ourselves or others- when I did lots of drugs I felt guilty when I wasent on them which made me become more and more isolated which only made the guilt worse- guilt built a wall between me and the ones I loved and who loved me- now over time I tore that wall down and I learned that the truth is change it don¡¦t feel guilty over it we all mess up so what get over it, people love you for who you are, God loves you for who you are but this is what religion doesn¡¦t teach because well guilt is a great way to control people. Look at all these women who guilt trip there husbands for things, or for money, or whatever, or friends, or lovers, so now guilt is caused by something deep- usually when you feel you let down yourself or others but this is a shadow because there is nothing that cant be resolved if you are willing to confront and face it-----when you feel guilty you have to figure out why you feel guilty then if it is because you did something that made you feel like you hurt someone or were not good enough, you look at it as a lesson and you learn you find the core the center the heart of the matter and you look for it and then when you find it you know the lesson you needed to have but that is all it is a lesson- when we feel it is because there is a deeper education attempting to take place if we ignore it we wont learn about ourselves spiritually and if we don¡¦t lean that aspect we will never be complete the soul is the basis of everything-
Anger is usully because of pain because someone else hurt you- well back to the not able to control things when people hurt us, when your lied to ,cheated on, molested, abused, raped, beat up, robbed, and or any of the million other things you feel pain. Why? because whenever we do something that harms ourselves or others there is a price tag its called pain, now pain was given to us so that we would listen and learn, and I suppose the universe figured we would understand why we have pain, but it seems most people don¡¦t, pain is caused by sin so too speak- now sometimes it is our own and sometimes it is others but to make things simple pain is the direct result of going against the umm higher force name it what you will- so now sin well most religions make sin sound so evil, oh we are all going to hell because of sin, if you sin you will go to hell, well then if that¡¦s the truth I¡¦ll be burning cause I am a big sinner everyday I sin in many, many ways, I know my sin file has to be massive- but at a young age I started studding sin, and what it was alone, on my own outside of any stupid doctrine enforced by people who are sinner themselves who for some reason forget we are all equal and like to sit around an remind people who bad they are. We all know we are imperfect-----that¡¦s a given¡K¡K.so now sin so I read and read from many perspectives then I said screw all this reading- what does sin do to me, well it causes pain, hmmmmmmm instructing so maybe we aren¡¦t supposed to do these things not because there evil or bad but because well most the time they cause pain- the most painful thing you can do is too turn off your soul- disconnect- that will be the end of your true source of energy your true source of truth of hope of dreams- the lights go out- because then you don¡¦t know anymore what is good or bad- you don¡¦t know what will cause harm or not you don¡¦t know because your dead inside and you cant know if your hearts off- its like taking out your eyes you cant see- your heart sees the truth your soul knows what is right and what will cause harm, it was given to us for us to use to try to navigate the waters of life so when we feel something is wrong we go the other way or we say no or we make a decision based on truth-so many people have turned off there hearts- I see it they have no light- they are like drained pieces of meat walking around programmed to be like a hamster in a cage
So now sin- what is it, your heart knows it¡¦s the best place to go and there are two questions, is this truth?
Is this going to harm or help myself or other?
You live by that or for me I say hey ummmm universe is this right or wrong ¡V and then I feel I listen its there the ansewer is inside all of them- the heart knows no time so it knows all the anewers for your whole life
If you listen it will guide you and you will feel pain
But it will never take away
Your light your hope your love your dream

10 pm

Or rather life brought them to my attention and I am not good at ignoring them

Let peak about emotion : lets use a child: when children arrive there emotions are very sensitive. Notice children how they will laugh and cry how the express themselves so openly, the reason children are so beautiful I because of these emotions and because they are warm, they react, the respond, I will look at a beautiful child and smile there eyes will light up and they will return the smile. Just like this remember your first kiss? Remember the first time you saw someone die, the feeling of yoru stomach sinking, remember fear of the dark of the boogie man? Of bad people?

Now remember the words there is nothing to be afraid of, or ¡§stop crying or I will really give you something to cry about¡¨ or as a child when you craved someone to hold you and they said over and over ¡§I¡¦m busy go away or watch TV ¡§

Here we are taught to suppress emotions to cover them up if we cry we most be insane or depressed if we are happy and bouncy we are manic if we are feeling alone or lonely we are depressed if we react we are over emotional we are not capable we are not acceptable
So they give us pills they give us TV the give us drugs video games alcohol cocaine pot food money power sex religion need I go on. None of this things are bad on there own they are harmful when you use them to avoid something inside

I battle with this, as a musician and an artist I became aware of people turning off at a young age. Then again because of genetics as well as growing up in the woods and UN exposed to the usual normal typical world my emotions remained there as a child.

But you see as a child I suppose I was pretty smart. I first noticed it in my father he was always getting angry, but I saw that his anger was caused because he didn¡¦t like himself he couldn¡¦t accept himself he didn¡¦t love himself so he had a hard time with me. I was also an unexpected unplanned baby meaning I put both emotional and financial burdens on my parents that caused them to be under high stress. I used to ask God why he let me be born then I learned God was working regardless of the situation.

So my father would be under stress and I used to call him a time bomb and because everything set him off I did the only thing I knew how to do at the time, avoid him and hide or run. I was like an animal and my instinctual reaction to pain was to hide and run from him. So I did he would come home I would leave, I would hide in the backyard I was always trying to avoid him because I couldn¡¦t confront him. This caused him to feel like I hated him which I understand now. Which then just made the issue worse and worse till at 17 I ran away from home?

I left knowing I wouldn¡¦t be going back anytime soon, I remember massive attacks dissolve girl came on and I was trying not to cry. When I left home something snapped something said I had enough I am over it.

I was over living in a place where emotions and feelings were ignored; I was also at the point that I was starved for love. My mother and I had a good relationship which is the main reason I have a bit of the ability of balance although she also suppressed her emotions. I lived in an emotionally suppressed home, and I was an emotion creature.

I made the decision in early childhood I would never grow cold. Because it seemed to me that the only people who really hurt other people in a senseless and repetitive way where those who were emotionally numb. When they were cold they didn¡¦t feel the pain they caused others so they caused lots of it. Not intentionally often unintentionally they didn¡¦t mean to hurt anyone they just were no longer emotionally aware of anything they did including hurting people. I didn¡¦t want to end up emotionally dead and numb and unaware so I did my homework on how to keep it and I did my homework on how to hide my feelings because often revealing them would freak people out because when I showed them my true emotions it forced them to open up and face there own true feelings which was often painful and an awakening and so they would either wake up and often become lifelong friends or call me a freak and lock me out of there lives.

So to protect myself because as much as I liked to pretend I didn¡¦t care if people rejected me it used to hurt. But then again since I wasn¡¦t getting the love I needed at home I went elsewhere to look. I learned the hard way if you look for love you¡¦ll never find it.

I Think my idea of love is a bit strange though because to me love is when you put them first and all you have is threes and if they need anything as long as it isn¡¦t harmful and you can you give it too them. Time, energy, money, love, granted I am not perfect and when it comes to energy my music takes a lot of it, before music I would always put it into people, more then anything. But then I learned if you give you can never expect people to give back and if you do you¡¦re setting yourself up for being disappointed
.

Love is agape
Unconditional
Which means no matter what?
If you live by this
There is no fear in love
but it seems less common

back to work more latter

2003-06-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

I am trying not to be upset. I understand why. It makes sense when your biggest fears come and stare you in the face. You have to fight the urge to run away crying and hide under your bed.

Some of my greatest fears came around and faced me and I found myself looking at them head on. "No more wrecking my life. I am over you. So what if I am rejected! So what if I have to go on with a longing! So what!" Does it matter? Will it prevent me from living? From creating? From loving? No, sorry, it won't, but that doesn't mean that it is easy.

The untangling of years of ignored, buried pains and fears. Ignored because it was survival. Now I face them and confront them. Some things I can change; some I can't.

To detach from my longing for love is not easy, I suppose. The problem is that I missed a good chunk and now the more awake I am, the more that little suppressed part says, "Excuse me but you have ignored me for years."

To anyone out there who is a father or a mother, or is going to be -- if there is one thing you can do, be real with your child, be honest, be open> Even if it is difficult. It is much better to fight than to have no communication. It is better to admit mistakes than to ignore them. It is better to be open if there are difficulties than to hide them. Now I say this speaking to myself and as I speak, I admit it isn’t easy for me. Sometimes I wish the little girl inside would stop bringing all this stuff up and, frankly, I used to ignore it all, but the problem is that the same little part that feels insecure and unwanted or not good enough is the same part that can create and feels great joy and happiness. So, to cut her off would be to destroy my own true emotions.

"Over sensitive," as my mother said. Maybe, but I am a functioning sensitive person. Always have been a productive sensitive person.

It’s hard not to be let down sometimes when people tell you they care and they will be there and then they treat you like an unwanted piece of garbage or only want you when they need something. Then again, I am trying to figure out why I feel this way and why it is coming up now. It is always this way. The more I seem to do or set out to do, the more things come this way to try to block me, external internal. I feel it. I am aware of it. I deal with it. Writing here is one way, so if you read this, be aware by the time I am done, my mood will have lifted and I will be in better spirits.

I am always in good spirits unless someone lies to me or hurts me. Then I am down for the moment. Although it is always a moment. Then I remember all the good things in life. Like the friends I have, the abilities, the gifts, the people, the world. But I suppose it is like my biggest wounds that go back for all my life kind of got yanked open unexpectedly and, well, I suppose dealing with it is a good thing although, in ways, I would rather avoid these feelings. I would rather turn them off, but rather than supressing them, I am letting them come and then go. But sometimes seeing them isn’t so nice.

I am now going to do what I can to do to be proactive in dealing with these feelings. Releasing and untangling the knots.

I went to see my therapist. I saw her aura today which was interesting. Now I see more of them than before. People may think it's insane, but who cares. She is really good at untangling my knots, and today was just a bunch of realizations. I told her about what happened and how all of a sudden all these feelings came back and so did all these memories and it was strange though. They came and went. Like watching tv. It's like a gate opened and they came out and then there was nothing. I think the nothing is what is scary because I can't hide in the "my dad never loved me;" I can't hide in the people who said they cared are gone; I can't hide in the poor little child me; I can't hide in the fear or in the pain; I can't hide in it. Because it came out and now I sit here and say, "Well now...who am i?"

Finding my identity without the past. Finding myself in the now. Finding myself here.

It's like when you untangle, it sets you free. That freedom is strange though because now, when I think of my father, the pain is gone. It is just like things were messed up and now I speak to my therapist about how maybe I can go back and change things. A challenge, yes, but so be it. But now I can't write the depressed songs about blah blah blah because, well, I am over it and therefore the music is changing. I can't draw sad faces all the time because I would be lying. And I have love in my life even though it scares me. Not because it's bad, but because it is an unknown. Because I know it will not live forever unless I make it live forever. And how do you make live forever?

Well you don’t live for it. You live by it. You don’t live to get it because then you will never get it. You live to give it.

And as I say this, I realize this is not an easy way to live because I see that I have a selfish, human, egotistical side which wants to find comfort in people, in love, in life. Yet I force myself out of it, away from it. I remove it because if I latch on to people my security will never be.

As I talked to my therapist, I just want to feel welcomed, or loved or something, and even though I logically know I am, sometimes the emotions come around and I know they are based on things that were out of my control in childhood and so they are engraved inside of me. So, when they come up, I have to separate the logic and truth from the lies.

Everyone has a shadow side. Mine says I am worthless, unlovable and not good enough for anyone to ever love. It tells me that no matter how I try, I will never be. That is a lie. No one is worthless. We are all good enough and we are all loved in one way or another. I know none of it is true, but sometimes my personal shadows hunt me.

Today was a day with lots of positive things, many things.

Love scares me. Maybe because I am afraid that when I love someone or if I try to love them and it is rejected, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me as opposed to believing there is something wrong with them. But that, as I said, goes way way back, so when I start to care about people, the reason I think I used to shut people off was because loving makes me face my greatest fear. Although when I look at my fear, I see there is nothing to fear, bt fear itself. Nw again my logic says that tere is nothing to fear. Fear says pain is to fear, but there is no pain I haven’t felt and, well, it made me who I am so from now on, pain is as welcome as joy. And being crushed is as welcome as flying.

I learn and I learn a lot. I learned that I am not only capable, but from now on, when I am hurt or don’t like something, I will confront it head-on in an honest, direct way as opposed to running from it. I learned that I can't change what others do and I have to accept them as they are like it or not, and if I don’t like it, I can leave or try to change it, but I can only act on my end. I learned that I am loved and people do care even if they are away or busy. I learned that the reason I have this longing isn’t because of now but then, and while I couldn't change it then, now I can; then I couldn't do anything about it, but now I can. This is my life and I choose not to live it in a harmful way.

Ok I am going out to play. Because now you see that I have UNTANGLED and figured out everything. I started this in a state of trying to understand and now I do.

Writing is good for you.

Get it?
Good.
Gone!
Good-bye!

2003-06-17T17:19:00.000-07:00

Everything happens for a reason. Yes, I keep telling myself that. Good, bad, in the middle. Everything happens for a reason. One thing affects another and another and another. This is truth and sometimes it’s a pain to listen to because if you really believe it, then, when bad things happen or things happen that you just don’t get, you just let them be and over time, it all makes sense.

I try to remember this whenever I am confused or feel left in the dark or when something doesn't make sense. I usually leave it alone and it makes sense of itself over time.

Today, I thought of tornados. I don’t want to think of tornados. I am not worried about me. I am not worried at all. It was just like tornados came into my little world.

Today, I wrote a song. Actually, two songs. Two beautiful strange songs. I also had coffee, a salad and I thought of other things too.
Like clouds and time and love and truth and life and how I have so much work to do. Speaking of that, I must return to the second half of my work.

2003-06-17T11:08:00.000-07:00

Let's discuss solitude. I was thinking about how and why I was feeling the way I was in reference to loneliness and I don’t know if it is as much loneliness as it is discomfort because, when you spend a great deal of time in solitude, you really know yourself in many ways. You have no distractions, no escapes, no tvs -- nothing to distract the mind or the heart.

I chose solitude because at this point there are only a few people I would live with. To me, living with someone needs to be a situation where both people help each other grow. Finding random roommates in New York is difficult, even more so because I don’t like living with people I don’t already know.

Solitude forces me to grow in an uncomfortable way because my fears, anxieties, concerns, flaws, mistakes or just my awareness of myself, my actions, the world and the effects my actions have on the world, become crystal clear. Just as my thoughts are because when you are alone, there is no other energy to get caught up in, only your own.

Living alone has always been a struggle because I am like anyone else. There are some things I don’t want to deal with or face. Being alone makes you face the things you don’t want to face.

Like the fact that I slept in, like the fact that I could invite people over although this comes to another choice I made. I don’t like to hang out with people just to not be alone. That’s not good. I like to be around people so we can help each other grow, learn, understand, create. I don’t like hanging out with people who try to get me to do things that I don’t want to do.

I am protective of my work. I always have been and always will be, but I can work around people and be fine as long as they are on the same page.

So, during my walk to get soy milk, I thought of what I can do. Well, I could invite my artist friends over and tell them to bring work with them. Artists feed off of other artists' energy. That’s what I am used to and that’s what isn’t around. That or just sharing the process with people which is why, I suppose, I am here -- I am virtually sharing it. Why do I want to share? I suppose I always did. I was a social butterfly. I was always around people. I love people. I love nature, people, art, and coffee.

Anyways, so I am in solitude because I chose it and I will stay here until I am in a place to share the journey with someone. Although solitude is uncomfortable, the uncomfortable aspects force me to grow. I produce more work in solitude although having people come and visit is always nice too. Some day I want to have a place that is a creative sanctuary. I like creating environments to live in that are sanctuary-ish. I like to create them and to share them. In new york, it is harder because you need more money to have space. In Atlanta it was easy.

Anyways more soon. Back to the dream work. I feel like a donkey and I have visions for carrots.

2003-06-17T03:48:00.000-07:00

I woke up late again. I thought of beating myself up, but I decided not to. I got out of bed, had coffee, worked on vocals, did a painting, then worked on music. So much to learn. So much to write. So much to perfect.

I have been feeling a bit strange lately.

Agape =unconditional love

This is why I have been feeling strange. It was in me not anyone else. Ever since I was a child, I said I want someone to love me -- to really love me, to love me no matter what. To love me flawed, imperfect, messed up. To love me for me. I used to be crushed time after time when I would love someone and they wouldn't respond. But I had a big heart so I loved people and I wasn't afraid to tell them.

Then I learned it scared people. I was too intense so I stopped being open and turned to my paper, to my pen, to my art, to my teddy bears, to the moon, the sky, angels, heaven, anywhere.

I used to be hurt, but then I realized that I was hurting myself because if I really love someone, it means I accept them for who they are. Regardless, I have to love them and not expect them to love back or want them to or be upset if they don't.

Then again I would be trying to fill my soul with love from people, which is not a good place to go because, if you rely on people to make you happy or peaceful or content or to fill your soul, you're on a never ending roller coaster. People will let you down, they will lie, they will hurt you, they will die, or they will leave or be insensitive. We all are; we all mess up.

Living a life and trying to love people unconditionally has always been a challenge for me. I get selfish sometimes and I want something back, which isn't what love is about. Real love doesn't have strings. Real love gives and expects nothing in return. Real love forgives and lets go. Real love is what can make you fly no matter what happens, but it is something we choose to do.

If we don't let go and are willing to love unconditionally, there will be fear and pain. Only when you let go to the point where you say "I love you no matter what" is the fear and pain dissolved because "no matter what means" just that -- no matter what. If they hurt you over and over, you may create a distance, but you still love them.

I still love many I have had to create distance with because they were harming me or just wearing me down, so even if I loved them, I had to back away (although I do reach out now and then and say "hello, are you okay")

Real love means you feel the pain and then you let go. You don't hold on. This is hard because when people hurt you, it is your natural tendency to want to be upset or angry or hurt and hang onto it. For years, I would try to let go of things, then grab it back, then try to let go over and over. Now, I have learned that I have to be content alone with no one and nothing once I have that which I have had and continue to force myself to make sure I don't lose sight of the truth.

All I love will go away. The love will not. Doesn't mean it's easy because it's like if you love someone one, you don't want to see them hurt themselves or other people or you. But they will and it happens. However, it's when you let that make you close off that person that it hurts love. The reason we close off is fear -- the fear of losing, the fear of being rejected, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of not being happy enough, the fear of not being smart enough or the fear of people just getting bored or sick of you and throwing you away.

I remember a few times that happened to me and it never made sense to me how people could say they cared and love you and then one day, it was like I never existed. This always made me feel even worse because I would sit around and try to figure out what I did wrong. Then, after years of blaming myself, I learned the truth. Sometimes people just leave; sometimes they lie; sometimes they just move on.

I remember saying I was going to be a monk because I didn't want to have my heart ripped out of the socket again. Well, I am not a monk and I have come to understand that the heart, even though it may feel like it is getting torn out of the socket, is not. It stays there and the pain passes away. The heart never breaks apart. It just bleeds. Just like a cut. But it heals and it doesn't fall apart forever.

Now in my life I have to love people with agape love. It's the only way to prevent your heart from being trashed because, if you really can love unconditionally or at least strive to, it covers all the wounds.

Anyways, so the lesson I learned to day (or remembered) was love isn't about what you get. It's about what you give.

I remembered. I had forgot, but I was reminded again by the moon and the stars and the earth. They give freely. As should I.

Even though it's hard. I have my insecurities and sometimes I am a big baby who just wants to crawl and curl up and be petted. Then again, I always was that way. I was always crawling into bed with my sister or brother or mother. Then, when I moved out, I would make my friends spend the night so we could cuddle, which I hear is not normal, but I didn't see why not. Then, I started traveling so I ended up becoming really close with other models and we would travel together.

This is the longest I have lived on my own during my entire life. I always used to have my own place, but people always moved in with me. I lived with david half of my adult life. I lived with dawnn for the other half. And in between I was always staying with friends when I traveled. I wouldn't stay in hotels because I would end up being haunted by something or another and end up hiding under the pillow crying myself to sleep. Or I would be sleeping on people's floors. I remember when I would stay with corey when I was in LA. I would sleep on the floor in his office while he worked. When david lived with me, I would sleep between the speakers on the floor while he worked. I would always have my own place, but I would always have people living with me.

So living by myself now is difficult sometimes, but I really don't have a choice because roommates and me only work if we are on the same page. And now I am in a relationship which means no more friends over cuddling.

I am used to living with people. I always was with people. When I was traveling and modeling, I would stay with people and more often than not, I would fall asleep in the room with people on couches or on the floor. As long as I felt a presence, I felt safe.

So now living on my own is hard. I get lonely. I feel isolated. I am facing my fears every night, but I don't think we were made to be alone all the time. I know I wasn't, but then again I am used to living with people. I am used to sleeping with someone. I am used to waking up with someone -- friend or lover -- but I am not used to being on my own. Granted, I get a lot of work done though on my own.

I suppose that in reality I don't like being alone at night. During the day, I am fine. When it's light out, I never think twice about it and during the day, I am happy. It's late at night that I am, so I guess I will go to bed earlier and wake up earlier.

Anyways, so I am just rambling because this, at this moment, is replacing a person.

Oh no! I am now becoming what I always was against. I am speaking to a computer instead of a person. Well, this is a challenge because when I travel, I am always with people; when I work, I am alone. When I wake up, I am alone. When I go to sleep, I am alone. I don't feel alone when I am outside, which is why I would walk at three a.m. -- because I felt at least the company of the stars.

Okay. I am shutting up now and going to bed. Where are my stuffed animals?

Good night.

2003-06-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up. First awake looking at the clock strange dreams. Missing a warm body beside me. Missing arms wrapped around me.

I looked at the notebook. Time to write. Like it or not, every morning I try to write. I wrote three pages. I make myself do it. Why? Because it is about discipline. It is about clearing my head. It is about finding my own personal truth. These are the journals which, upon my death, can be published. But not before then I don’t think. But who knows. I am a fickle artist. My will has already been made and the only thing it says is make sure things continue on and the work doesn't end. Morbid thought, but, as an artist, I suppose art is my child and I wouldn't want anything to happen to it if I wasn't around. So these pages contain my thoughts that I won't express elsewhere. It contains my insecurities. The big ones. It contains my conversations with God. It contains random dreams, visions, and other things that sometimes come to me that I feel I must make a record of for a reason which I do not understand. Granted, these notebooks, I think, would scare people because if you had my dreams, you would be uneasy about some of the things that are going on.

So I write and I discover today is fathers day. Now, my dad has called once in five years. Upon writing, I discovered my feelings about life, about love, about music, about what I am doing with my life. I discovered I had a string that was choking me, tied around me, and taking away my ability to breathe. It was pulling me down. I wrote and got up, had a banana and my vitamins and ran out the door to go to a dance class. Once outside, it hit harder. "Call him."

"But what if he rejects me?”

"Well, at least you will have an answer” .

“But what if --”

"Shut up." I picked up the phone, dialed the number.

He answered. "Did you get my card?” I asked. Maybe it was my way of saying happy fathers day.

"Not yet.”

"Well, you will." So we talked for a bit. About stuff and life. I told him to call me and he may not know how to use a phone, but he said he would. Although my dad used to always say he would do things and wouldn't as opposed to just saying "no," which, well, taught me a lesson. I say "maybe." I also tell people not to take it personally if I am distant or if they don’t hear from me. I also tell people "maybe" most the time, and only "yes or no" if I know for sure. Not always, but I always remember how I felt when people told me they would do something and then they didn’t.

So I got in the subway. I knew I did the right thing. As hard as it was and as hard as it seemed, it opened something up and I let go of something.

I arrived at dance class. It has been a while. I used to thrive in ballet and jazz classes. Here I sat and I stared at myself, at the mirror. "Hello."

The reflection said back, "Where have you been?"

The teacher was old, but had a huge amount of energy and a sense of humor only an old new york dancer would have.

Move. Oh yes. Movement. "Wait a second," my muscles said. "I remember this stuff." Through class I let go and things came back. Another big block removed. So yes I will be back. She smiled. "Lift your head up. Express yourself."

Something to practice, something to aspire to. I already have it in my head to be in the advanced levels again within a year. Just like I have it in my head to memorize all the scales known to man. Just as I have it in my head to read all the books I can to absorb all I can -- to be a sponge and to soak up information. Just as I have it in my head to go from here to my vision which landed recently again and is now like a crying child wanting my attention. Each day things open up and I see the path is there. I just have to be disciplined and not run the other way.

Then, after the class, I went to sam ash. On the way there, I stopped in a church to film the inside. The man came to me said something about being episcopalian or something. I left, went to sam ash. On the way, i enjoyed random street concerts and made friends with my video camera. I have discovered people seem to like my camera. Musicians seem to like it. All of a sudden, they were not distant. They were in my camera. Afterwards, I would speak to them about music, art, the world, life. Funny, I was just admiring the beauty and soul they had. I think they knew that because when they saw me watching, more of it came out.

At the music store, I walked into the drum room to look at drum machines and kits and boxes and in the room were three musicians -- a woman, an old man and a young one -- all playing the electronic drums with each other. Sharing the moment. It was like a tribal gathering in the concrete jungle. I listened, drawn in, feeling their energy pouring out. Our eyes met and they smiled. It's like meeting family I suppose. I looked at the boxes as one of my next investments. Drums? Well why not? I can learn. I am a sponge. It is learning the craft and then discipline to perfect it and use it. That is all. The inspiration is there.

Then I went and walked towards the park. I had a headache from no coffee, so I stopped in a starbucks and I was getting my coffee from the man who I then got into a conversation with. He told me how he came from Africa and how he had all these stories he wanted to write. “well, why don’t you write them?”

“Because when I sit down, I can't stay there to finish.”

“it is discipline. it is work. if you have a dream, it is your duty to make sure you do all you can to bring it too life. it is like having a baby. you have to feed it, take care of it, pay attention to it”

So I gave him some books to read which should help. I told him what I had learned. Then I went to my reading and writings.

I finished a book, got half way through another. I was listening to enigma. The song return to innocence. To this day, I will never forget how it made me feel the first time I heard it. I was a child. It was on the radio. Music was background and then I heard it and it touched my soul. It made me feel like I could fly. It lifted me high. I was in my basement and time stopped. The world stopped. I found myself there in that song. Those words carried me through life over and over and over. Those words were my only friend sometimes when I was alone in planes or on trains or strung out or let down or had been dumped or lied to or just went out and saw people killing each other and I felt there was too much pain. I learned not to ignore it, but feel it.

These are the words: "That's not the beginning of the end. That's the return to yourself. The return to innocence. Love – Devotion Feeling – Emotion Love – Devotion Feeling – Emotion. Don't be afraid to be weak. Don't be too proud to be strong. Just look into your heart, my friend. That will be the return to yourself. The return to innocence. If you want, then start to laugh. If you must, then start to cry. Be yourself. Don't hide. Just believe in destiny. Don't care what people say. Just follow your own way. Don't give up and use the chance to return to innocence. That's not the beginning of the end. That's the return to yourself. The return to innocence. Don't care what people say. Follow just your own way. Follow just your own way. Don't give up. Don't give up. To return, to return to innocence."

But I learned not to just feel it, but release it. Music was a way I would release it. I would go and become one with the music so to speak and let it out of my heart and as the music passed away, so did my pain. It helped me. It medicated me. It inspired me. Because music can carry the words of angels from heaven. The most amazing music is written through musicians, but is channeled from another world -- a spiritual world. I think it’s a way of communication between heaven and earth.

Speaking of communications between heaven and earth, I walked to the park and there I found a rock on which I laid down. And between the sky and me, stood a tree and a soft breeze and there I laid on the rock and listened to the birds and the sky and closed my eyes and then I was in a place. A place I will try to explain. I have been going there my whole life. I think it is a place most try to get to now and these people speak of transcendence, speak of enlightenment. I think I was lucky because I grew up untouched by what makes it difficult for most to let go, to turn off the neverending mind, to connect with the earth and heaven, to be in a place that is based on the deepest part of the soul. Because you can't go there unless you let go of everything. Unless you open up all the way. It's impossible, but there I was and it is a state of bliss. A high that makes drugs look like junk food. A cheap replacement that doesn't touch it. It is like being plugged into an energy source that pulses through your body. Anything that needs love or peace or strength or to be healed is fixed. Everything inside of me is sorted. Everything falls into place. I let go and it is like something fills every part of me. Every inch. It fuels me. It opens my eyes. It shows me the truth. It makes everything make sense. I feel energy everywhere in my body, like an electrical current. For almost two hours I was there in that place and then I snapped back with one thing burned in my mind.

"Move. Now you have work to do."

So then I went to hear mr. kellar speak, and, as usual, the intelligent spiritual open minded man taught me something. Then afterwards I continued to film. As I filmed all day, in fact, I wrote a ton, made a movie and did all of this. This is only the first half.
Then I went downtown to meet rob, who is a musician friend of mine I have known for some time. He has a good soul and is one of the most spiritual people I know. Someone who I respect as well and would consider family. We spoke of ways we can take what we do and use it to create and help each other. He is someone I want to see do well because he is someone who has a positive message, who is in it for the right reasons, who lives and breathes it, who has a huge soul and a massive heart. That I respect and I will do what I can to help him along his path. We had green tea and discussed many things in relation to music, life, spirituality and projects.

Then, I decided to walk home. We said good-bye and I walked home over the bridge. I thought of all I had learned and I learned a lot today. I was thinking of david and then the phone rang. it was him, of course. I did what I always do. We played "let's get to the root of the disturbance and fix it." Or maybe it is just that I have a machete inside that when I see something trying to choke someone I love and kill their energy and inspiration, I am like a hunter and I will hunt the cause of the disturbance. I will look for it and when I find it, I will have no mercy.

He spoke of things I see and some of you see happening and how it hurts. So let's do something. If we are aware, it is because we need to do something, and not sit around and be dragged down. If we don’t do something, we are part of the problem. If we don’t work, we are feeding it, so use what you have and get to work.

We spoke. The inspiration feeds the dreams and unfolds them. Things snap in our heads. Yes we see; we learn; we make each other see. I find the root quicker and quicker with him the longer I know him. It used to take hours but now I seem to get it pretty quickly. I listen, but I hear what he won't say more than what he will, and then I find the root and in I go. No mercy. You will not kill the inspiration.

I am one when I believe in someone, when I know their potential, when I see what they can be. I will fight for them when they are weak or feel hopeless or alone or like it's too much. I will go in and take some of my energy and go hunting and find the root and then, with truth, rip it out and expose it.

This is what is going on. Now you see it. Now it's over. Now you can be free to work, to dream. Now go. I have been doing this my whole life, with so many people. It’s a gift, I suppose, to see things that people often don’t see themselves. Sometimes, it is a pain in the ass because, well, I only can go in and do what I do if they open up, if they are willing, if they want to know. Because if they are cold hearted and don’t want to face anything uncomfortable, I won't go there. Only if they give me the green light, which is when they let the wall down. Like, I will know someone is tormented by let's say fear. I will see the fear no matter how good they think they are at hiding it. Then I will usually see why, but I can't do or say anything unless either they let me, or if I know them really well and know that it is okay for me to bring it up.

But strangers in the subway? It's hard because I see people and I see things and I want to say something even if it is just "you'll be okay...or here is a book...or maybe you should let go...or whatever." But I know it's not my place. Sometimes I wonder if I should just act. Sometimes I don’t know. Like when the urge hits to give them my book because I know it may help them. Sometimes I act and sometimes I don’t. It is always a struggle.

Then I talked to another friend. So lately it seems there are a lot of people who are having lots of strong dreams. There are people saying things are going to start hitting the ceilings and here are my thoughts: Yes, we will have natural disasters. We have earned them by destroying our world. No, I don’t think new york is the safest place to live in, but nowhere is. I don’t think it is in danger of being wiped out for at least a good chunk of time. Not yet although I think some day it will be a bunch of ashes. And who knows when it will be. As far as aliens and the sun and the tenth planet, I don’t think we need to worry about them. I think we need to worry about what is here and now. And nothing else. Because you know we are all going to die. We are dying every day, so now think of that what matters is why you do things more than what you do. What matters is not what will be here as ashes but what will not.

And yes I think there is lots of pain and chaos and stuff. So go make beauty. Bring light out of the dark. Overcome evil with good. Don’t let evil overcome good.

Jillian

2003-06-15T04:41:00.000-07:00

The reality of being an artist.

I have come to face my own personal demons. In fact, I have spent several years digging within my soul and searching for them, finding them and then drawing them out, facing them and then telling them they must leave me. In the process, I have discovered many things about myself as well as others because, as different as we may think we are, deep down, we are all very much the same in many ways.

Discipline is something people see as bad, but I see it as a way to live in a world of chaos and it helps me to escape the chaos which is everywhere. Many people pop a pill or take other drugs to deal with it, but this does nothing except make it go away for a second or two. It always comes back though because you're only trying to cover it up and ignore it.

I was talking to my therapist and she said, "You get held back or stuck when you let pain stay inside UN dealt with, UN faced, UN exposed."

I used to hide things -- things that happened to me, things I did, things I felt ashamed of or I felt hurt by -- because I was afraid, but then I found the only thing that hurt me in my life was fear. Not the pain, not what hurt me, not the actions. If you cut me, I will bleed; if I fall, it will hurt. But I will continue on.

I was always a dreamer and I had a dream. I would share it with people and they would become part of my dream. I would open up and give them my soul and then, when they would stop believing or leave or their dreams went away from mine or they decided it was too hard, I would be crushed, but I would hold on to the dream. The dream got me here.

I look back and I see my fellow dreamers. I look back and it hurts sometimes. I see them and their dreams are sold to drugs or fear or money or something. They quit trying. They said, "I can't do it, I give up." I want to go back. I want to drag them out and I can't, so I pray and when I can, I try to do something to spark them. But I believe in them no matter how strung up or lost or broken or far away they seem because I don't think anyone is ever too lost. I don't believe in that. I believe that if you believe in something, you let go and just follow your heart regardless of how hard it is or how much you want to die, how much you want to smash your head in a wall or slit your wrist or jump off a bridge or take pills or just be a zombie numb to feeling. You open up. You feel. You do it regardless of whether you like it or not.

Each song is a battle. Each day I wake up and there are voices telling me that I suck, that I cant do it, that I am worthless, that I can't sing, that I cant play, that I can't create. Each day there is my ghost of people in the past who said I was worthless and that I would never be anything or do anything. Each day those fears come around and try to prevent me from creating. It's too painful. You can't cope. It's too much to feel.

But I do it anyways and sometimes I am open and there is pain there and some of it is mine and some of it is that of a million others and some of it is all the souls that are ignored. That haunts me in my dreams.

Stop ignoring your souls, please, because it's costing me sleep and I suppose I am going to be considered a madman or maybe already am for even discussing these things. Yet, I will be a fool for love and a madman for truth.

So, now back to discipline. I wake up and some days I want to smash my head in a wall or jump of a bridge.
Some days I feel so much that I wander to my keyboard and cry. Not because of me. It isn't me. I can deal with my life.

It's when I walk around and I look around and I see and I hear and feel what's going on and maybe I am just not numb to it. Maybe somehow I am just aware. More aware than I want to be sometimes.

But anyways discipline is when I want to curl up on the floor or lose myself to some mindless state of numbing myself and I refuse to do so. I fight. I chose not to curl up or numb myself. Most the time. And I do what it takes to keep creating, to keep growing, to keep trying, to to stay on the path. Sometimes I strip my life down. I fast. I shut out the world if that's what it takes. And I dig and I find the center of the issue. I find the fear and I drag it out and I face it. I expose it and then am free.

I meditate. I pray. I walk. I dig. I search. I have to.

Discipline makes me learn structure and form and scales and theory and practice. Discipline makes me work 12 to 17 hours a day. Discipline is what makes life easy.

Easy? Yes, because the world has enough chaos. I don't need to feed it. I can't counteract it if I am part of it. So that is my focus.

Discipline and expression. Oxymorons? Not at all.

Do you think Beethoven or Mozart were lazy? Talent is a very small portion of it. Work and discipline are a very large portion.

2003-06-12T13:09:00.000-07:00

Tuesday. Today I woke up.

Running late.

I stayed up till five a.m. working on music. It was a surreal experience. The sun was rising and I was just trying to get the melody across. Being possessed by a muse is wonderful most the time. This was one of those times. Part of me considered not sleeping at all.

Then, I went to meet a fashion photographer in Soho. I walked up the stairs and this beautiful small woman meets me at the door. Her loft had a good, warm energy. I went inside and we talked about modeling, about music, about agencies, about life, about boyfriends. Then she and I said goodbye. Hopefully, we will shoot because I like her work and I like her energy.

From there, I took my camera and went to the subway. Uptown to 34th Street. My gut feeling said the photographer moved, so I called rob to get his number. It was disconnected. Oh well, so I just went to mid-town anyways, off the train, into corporate hell central. Midtown is where everyone looks like they are in pressure cookers. They all have the “I have too much to do and too little time” face pressed up against their cell phones. Then you also have lots of workers, who always say things as I pass by. The urge to clunk them over the head with my bag comes and goes. Then I feel sorry for them. No one taught them how to approach women. They are like animals and the city is full of them. They see me and think of mating. I see them and think a combination of “there is no way in hell and if you dare touch me, you won’t live to tell.” And then I feel sorry for them because I know they are just like kids who want candy and I am a lollipop. They don't know any better. They are like four year olds and they react like them too. And I feel sorry for them because I have a wonderful relationship and I have a wonderful sex life and most people don't have either. Most of them dream of getting laid, and because they don't, it’s all they think about all the time. Sure, some of them do and they just can’t get enough. Then again, I can relate to that too although I have learned that sex is like fire – in the right place it is good, healing and positive, but if used without care, it causes damage.

But we won’t get into this conversation or we will be here all day. We will cover that another day. Or night.

So I get to the studio and it is empty. I wander around then the photographer across the hall opens the door. “Looking for marco?”

“Yes,” I said.

“He moved.”

“ I figured.”

“I remember you. You’re back from Italy?”

“Yes.”

He asked for a card and we talked for a bit about shooting, music, life, the world, the usual. Then he gave me marco’s phone number. I called. “I forgot you moved.”

“Don’t worry,” he said. “We will shoot next week.”

I hung up the phone and called mittens. I went to go see him. It was such a nice day out. On days like this, it is impossible for me to sit inside all day, so, instead I go outside all day and stay up all night doing music. I went to meet him and we went to this place. The second time we met, we were there. It seems so long ago, yet also just like it was yesterday.

I walked in. I remember it was last year. I don't remember the date but maybe it was around this time. David and I went to meet him. I remember him talking to me and I remember. I don't know what he did, but he broke a wall. A big wall that night over coffee there. One line stuck in my head. He said, “if you jump, there will be people there who will keep you from falling.”

When David and I left, something happened -- I jumped. One huge leap of faith around a year ago, and what pushed me over the edge was coffee with him and a few words he said that cut to my heart and past all my layers. Sometimes I wonder if he knew. I do it too. Sometimes I say things to people and it just comes out of nowhere. It’s like it’s just there.

So, now, a year later roughly, we sit there and things have changed so much over the course of a year. In a year, I went from not being able to even imagine doing music alone or on my own to having written over 70 tracks. And now I am just starting to get the hang out it. I have a record deal and i am almost done with an album. My life is in a completely different place than it was then.

But, looking back, it is amazing how without people like him and David and others who believed in me and who pushed me to jump when I was afraid – who continue to push – as well as those who, when I reached out, responded. I jumped and have been flying ever since.

Now I am spending the next few weeks finishing an album and as soon is it is done, I will begin another and then another and another. Now, I also begin to look to work with others. I woke up this year. I am a musician. That is the core and all else feeds it. Granted, I am learning and will continue to learn till I am dead, but I know now what I am supposed to focus on.

Because I woke up.

Wait! I can do it all. I can write thirty minute pieces for those who want to meditate to it. I can write three minute pieces for the masses who don't know how to be anywhere for thirty minutes without constant change.

I have to run. I am working on Never Enough.

2003-06-10T00:52:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to the local coffee shop, went through emails, wrote a long poem, wrote an article/essay on internet modeling and working with semi professionals and/or newbies.

Sitting there with the jazz playing softly in the background in the corner under a tree, I watched the people pass. The old man with no hair who looked a bit Indian, a bit like an eastern monk. He got coffee and sat down to write. Several hours later, I was walking and saw him again this time he was speaking to someone. “So, did you finish your book," they asked. Well, I assume he is a writer.

The café fills up with writers, musicians, poets and mothers with two year olds. All coming and getting coffee, reading the paper, talking girl talk or mom talk or art talk or men talk. Conversations bleed over even when I work, even when I try to ignore them. I don’t hear everything. Unless I put headphones on, but then I just hear some musician. Either way, I am always hearing conversations.

G meets me at the café and we went over the videos -- behind the scenes clips and lots of them. Me and a camcorder are a dangerous combination because I am a ham in front of it. People think I am so serious till they get to know me. In all reality, I am serious when necessary, but I much prefer acting like a cat on far too much sugar.

Watching the videos is strange. The old ones where I talk about the changes that I knew needed to take place, that brought me here. The videos are my live journal, with the bonus of being able to hear and see me. Granted, you will laugh because I am a bit of a freak in real life.

So afterwards I was walking and it was so beautiful. I had to call mittens just to tell him, just to make sure he went outside, because to miss this day would be a shame, a sin, a crime. I speak to him and he always makes me smile. I spoke to him as I picked up organic groceries.

Why organic? Well, after reading more, I realize that spending a few dollars more each month could keep me from getting cancer in the near future and help me live a happier, healthier life. The things they do to most food will kill you, so buying organic is an easy way to prolong your life a bit. I bought my spinach and lettuce, carrots, sprouts, tofu, beets, and sesame salad dressing, a few bananas, oranges and apples. Lovely, you say. Now you know what I eat.

So then I came home, made a salad and then I went out. To the ocean. To connect.

I took the train and on the way out there, it started.

“Who are you as an artist?”

And I thought of me as a child. I used to sing and sing and sing. To everyone, everywhere, all the time. Till people started treating me strangely because I sang so much. I suppose it wasn’t normal; most people talked. To me though singing was talking. I would sing to strangers and they never seemed to know how to take it.

So then I felt self-conscious about it because it made me feel like an alien. I remember singing in the backyard to the neighbor when he would be near. Or when the bus would go by and it was filled with kids. I would sing at the bus. And at church. I loved church because I could sing and so I did. I spent hours wandering around the woods always singing. I talked musically and the animals seemed to understand. So, needless to say, no one really taught me. I just would sing and there was always a tune.

I dreamed of being a singer. I listened to the radio and I sang with it. I would dress up and sing to the birds, to the trees, to myself.

Then, one day, some kid in church told me I would never have friends because I was always showing off with singing. So I took him seriously and felt that my singing made people go away because I was told I was showing off. I wasn't trying to show off; I just loved to sing. I wasn’t trying to be better, but it was enough for me to stop singing around people. From then on, for years, I hid it. I would go walk for hours and hours in the woods and sing at the top of my lungs. Then, I discovered the piano and I would take the songs and sing them to the piano and it would sing for me. Then I got bashed again, told to stop showing off. So I would wait till people were gone, till it was empty, till no one was watching and then I would be possessed with my muse for hours on end, playing like a madman.

People would sometimes hear me and would gather in the corners and listen for long periods. They would tell my parents I was gifted.

As an adult, I now know those comments were made out of jealousy, but I was a child then and I was a people pleaser. I thought I was hurting them or making them feel bad so I stopped because I didn’t want to make them feel bad. It’s a weird story, but I was hyper-sensitive and so I over-reacted. Most kids would have been like “get over it. I am going to play anyways” but I was like "okay, I won't play when you can hear."

Walking up Clinton Avenue, I thought I was a singer-songwriter, not a producer and not a programmer. My first love is the piano and voice. It always will be and always has been. So now I thought of it

What have I been afraid of? I nailed it or it nailed me as I walked down the street. Okay, fine! No more hiding my vocals, my words, my heart. I have to rip it out and bring it to the surface.

For the last six months, I have been like a child slowly reaching into the layers of myself because a long time ago, I hid something there and I buried it. I put it so far down it has been a pain in the ___ to get it out again.

Since beta, it has been digging. It will be a digging process for life, so I took the train out to far rockaway. I went and started walking to the beach. I looked at all the homes filled with old people. Dying people. Well, we are all dying. I walked by the hospital. I felt things. Hospitals are strange places, full of life babies being born and death. Hospitals are like electrical currents though. The feeling of cancer and heartbeats intermixed with the birds in the sky and the sound of cars from far away.

Past the stores, into a store, I wandered. Old women, obese with little obese children, buying candy. Anger, tense, upset, grabbing the child's hand roughly, “come on.” The little girl sticks the candy back in her mouth. I want to give them fit for life, or take and buy them an apple, or tell them the reason they feel so toxic, so upset, so moody, so unhappy, is because they are eating poison. I walked past the little girl who looked at me. I reached down and touched her head for a second as I went out of the store.

Back into the street, past bodegas, past a halfway house. There, women stand glazed eyed, looking at me, I looked and smiled. I wanted to go get a paint brush and paper and show them how to take feelings and make them art.

Then I went into the bodega to get some almonds. I kept my head down till a group of boys left. They had a lot of tension, not enough money. Stress, abusive parents, bad food, will give kids tension. Most of the gangs of teen boys are mealy boys who have no other outlet for their pain but to inflict it on others. The man behind the counter caught my eye. He looked concerned for him or for me or both. I feel sorry for him. He is trying to make a living to feed his family and every day he sits there and wonders if one of the people will explode because it’s like they are time bombs, all the pressure, the tension, and then - Poof!

That’s when you hear about shootings. It was a time bomb. Someone was cooked, fried. You see it in the street in the summer. People just heating up and then tension. Racial tension, class tension. People don’t know how to calm the tension, how to feed, how to breathe. Then they explode. Just like priest who molests kids. It’s because they should have been masturbating so it didn’t build up and then, when they snap, kids just happen to be in the way.

So then the there was an old man he looked at me. “Ralph Lauren, he is a designer, right?“

"Yes,” I said, “He makes rich people's clothing. The shirts cost more than a hundred dollars.”

I looked at the old man. Chances are that he never had extra money, that he never bought a one hundred dollar shirt. He looked at me, smiled, as did I. I thought of my life. Being here reminds me of my life before New York, before being a model. It reminds me of Salvation Army forever. It reminds me of working in soup kitchens; it reminds me of feeding starving children; it reminds me of my mother wondering if she could pay for the car to be fixed. It reminds me of having nothing.

Looking at the big city and saying that’s where the rich people are. There I sat with him and was aware of how lucky I am. How blessed I am, how rich I am. Even though in New York, I am a starving artist, to the rest of the world, I am rich. Reality check. Again, New York is wonderful. So wonderful, so rich. I mean there are millions and millions of people who live on less than a dollar a day. I sit and drink coffee in the morning that costs a dollar. My coffee.

I walked to the beach. The fog was rolling in and it was beautiful. I felt someone, so I turned around and there was an old man who was a child. He waved and I waved back. I felt him. A child trapped in a man's body. I knew he was following me like a moth to a flame. I went and I climbed on top of the life guard post. I waited. I looked out over the water.

"So what took you so long to come here?" it said. I thought of the years. I said, "Atlanta would be heaven if it had a beach." God lives in the water or it seems it is a very strong connection or maybe it is just I am not too distracted.

I sat. I waited. He walked up. “So, you’re the new lifeguard here to save people?”

I looked for the moment I suppose I am. He looked at me. I saw under the glasses that I couldn’t turn him away so easily. So I opened up and we talked. He told me his life -- how he worked as an ER, how he traveled the world, how now he lived here. He spoke of the world, how dark it was becoming, how bad it was getting, how depressing it was. “Things are dying. The government's messed up. The children are too lazy to start a revolution. If I was your age, I would be fighting.”

I looked at him. "how old am I?"

“Twenty four," he said.

” nope." I looked back over the ocean. "There are some fighting," I said.

Then I looked at him. I looked underneath. Yes he was awake. “do you have the internet”

“no," he said.

”good," I said. He asked where I was from ans I told him. He then asked what I do. “Music”

"what kind?"

“I don’t know how to describe it”

"what do you write about?”

I pointed to my heart. "that’s it. It comes from there."

Then he talked about the old people there running out of money, no one to take care of them, the young ones are all hooked on TV or drugs or are obsessed with money. He went on. I felt him. He saw so much. He wanted to change. He wanted to stop. He would be fighting but he was old now. His energy is still high. He came after me on the beach.

“You know what though?" I said.

"What?"

“Look there at the ocean. Look at the waves. Hear the sound. See it. Feel it. Isn’t it beautiful? Isn’t it heaven here? And you know what? No matter what’s going on in the world, no matter how much pain there is, no matter how much sorrow, how much tension, how much anger, hate, war, death and destruction there is, I know I can always come here and so can you and sit here and I feel heaven here on earth. It reminds me there is always hope and always beauty.”

He looked at me and smiled. I saw the smile fill his whole body. I smiled.

"So are you alone in this life?" I knew he was; he didn’t have to tell me.

"No I am not. I am very lucky. Neither are you," I said.

I looked over the sea. We spoke about music some more, about how he hopes something will come out that will stir people. He looked at me. "I will leave after I make the sun come out."

I looked at him. I looked at the clouds. I looked at him. Well then we will talk till the sun comes out. Who was I to doubt? For all I know, he was an angel in street clothes, so I said, "okay." We continued to talk about the past, the present. He told me about someone I should look up, someone I should meet. He looked at me, “Will you come back?”

“maybe, I tend to roam in places like this because there aren’t many people here. I find desolate areas where it is free space”

“I could learn a lot from you,” he said. I felt like a fool there because he had years on me and if I picked his brain, I am sure he would teach me more. He taught me names in my notebook, hope, that more are awake.

I reached in my bag. "If you get to the internet, here is my address. Look me up. I handed him a card. If I come back I am sure you will see me."

Then I looked up and saw that the clouds were parting. He smiled. “I told you I would make the sun come out.” He looked at me.
Smiled. “I will leave you to work," he said. "I know you have lots to do. I know your mind. So much inside to get out. You don’t sleep much, do you, cause there is so much. You have a gift, now get it out, get to work, you have lots to do.”

“Before you go, how far is it to walk from here to the other end?” I asked.

"Five miles," he said. He looked at me and smiled a huge mile and then he walked away with a bounce in his step, a bit of energy, a live wire, a little fire in his step. Then he was gone.

The sun took his place, so I sat and I mapped out lyrics. An album. Ideas. Concepts. Then I went to leave and the heart said walk and so I did and as I walked, I felt many things. Many of my own thoughts, feelings, emotions interrupted by the jogger, then the children, then two ladies and a dog, but for the most part, I was alone with the ocean on the board walk.

What is next then? I see ideas, visions, the past, the present, the future. All one big puzzle and as I listen, pieces come into view. Piece by piece. The ocean soothes me. It makes me feel free. My most natural state is there by the sea or in the woods or in isolation, in silence, in the still. For there I find peace

Peace till the jogger went by. He looked at me and thought of me as dinner. Nope, close off. I hate doing it. It's like I walk and then I have to just try to be invisible. I used to have two big dogs and they would always go in front of me and if people came around, they would bark. People were afraid of them and they should have been (although they never had to bite anyone). My cats used to be protective too. They would be mean to anyone who had negative energy. I learned a lot from my cat.

Then I really slowed down to let him get out of range. Then I was back in the sky and ocean for 5 long miles. Then I got off and tried to find the subway. I was in the ghetto of far rockaway. Most people think I am insane for going there, but they have never been there. They only see what’s on TV. More people are killed in the city than out there. I went by old abandoned buildings. I went by old cars, and I smelled the smell of grass and gasoline. I walked by fences that were falling apart. I felt like I had been there before.

The whole time I was on the board walk, I felt that way. I saw some of the things I saw during my walk in a dream years ago. I have dreams like that. I am at a place doing something and for years I never understood the meaning. Then one day I am there and the dream is a reality. Making my sleep like a book I read because it’s like puzzle pieces and some day they will all fit.

Sometimes my dreams haunt me. Like for years, I dreamed of what happened in New York two years ago. Now the dreams are of fire and water. I am not the only one having these dreams over and over and over. Many other artists I know have the same or nearly the same dreams, and, frankly, some day I wouldn’t be surprised if it come true. Will it be in my life time? That I don’t know. Will it happen? well, according to science, yes. And according to the big picture over a large extensive span of time, yes. I think it will.

But I also think they will make it mandatory to have a chip in your hand and I also think that we are already in a state of a one world government. They just aren’t telling people that because the government isn’t the government. It is big business which now the government is just an extension of. I also think McDonalds and fast food will give you cancer and that six hours of TV will make you fat and that lying will mess up your life and that there is more to life than money and that all you need is free.

Which makes me according to section 100 mentally insane, but, granted, several thousand years ago, if you tried to feed people what we eat and make them sit still half their lives, they would have said you were insane too. How times have changed.

I also never was in the system, so therefore I have always been on the outside saying, "you guys really like it in there?" Granted, I think all things in moderation are fine, but then again I have fun.

Going to the ocean with a notebook. That, to me, is life.

I took the train back. In the train, it was loud. A crying baby behind me. I looked back. I put my hand nearby and the baby stopped and looked at me. The mother shoved another piece of candy in its mouth, “shut up and eat your candy.” The baby looked at me and looked at the mom. The baby wants love. The mother gives her candy because the mother is stressed, angry, shut off. Too much to think about, too much to do, to young and not ready. The child is starved for love and had hungry eyes.

The people next to me started talking about people, fighting. Their voices rise. They get angry, vicious, attacking, pulling people apart. I stare out the window. They go on. Under all that anger is insecurity, doubt, self loathing. Yet their way of feeling better is bashing people. I sit and stare out the window. I look up. There sits another old couple. I won't even get into it. Then the people over from me are stressed about something and I sit in the middle of a sea of tension. Agony, mixed confused. Then there is an old woman half asleep, half awake. I look at the bodies. I look at their energy, or lack of energy. People. Poor people. They don’t know the other way. Because all their problems aren’t so big and could all be fixed. Their lives could all be so much better with a little help, a little love, a little education, diets, light, love.

But I stare out the window. I wonder if they know that I feel like them for the moments I am there. I wear their shoes. I walk down to the projects and go into the apartments and turn on the TVs and sit and comfort myself like them. I feel the stress of a baby too, soon with no father. I feel the fear of the old woman who knows time is running out.

I am the insecure girl who looks at herself in the mirror and wants to be tyra banks. if she only knew the airbrushing. I stare out the window because I have to. Because part of me wants to react, wants to burst, wants to either scream or cry, but it's not mine, so it just is there and I feel the great joy of the sunshine and the ocean and the man, but just as much as I feel that, I feel what was there beside me.

I choose to feel these things, to remain open. I struggle with it because for a long time I hated it. Now I see it is a tool to be used like all the others. We all have it, some in different ways or levels. We ignore it. We turn it off. We shut it down.

I tried to the best of my power although I learned that no matter how many drugs I did, it wouldn’t go away, so I stopped trying to kill it and learned to live with it.

Off the train. There was a boy. He looked at me saw my book asked about it. We talked for a bit. He throws parties. Then I got off, walked down the street, got home and now I have to go do music.

2003-06-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

I used to play a game with God. I used to ask him for things to create. Then, I would have it and it would sit inside of me like a child screaming to be let out till it was done. Then I would wait and there would be another vision, idea, dream, concept, melody.

One by one, they fall into my heart from the sky. Needless to say, it has kept me pretty busy most of my life although there were times when I decided not to play the game with God. I would open up and channel whatever else was hanging around. That isn’t such a good idea sometimes. And that brings me back to God.

For some reason, people think He is some stuck up thing that is cold and like an ice cube. Maybe God is just my term for the universe or whatever one thing is out there, but there is SOMETHING out there.

For the last few days, life has flowed. It is the amazing thing about life when you stop obsessing about what to eat, what to wear, who you're sleeping with, what your next raise his, who hates who, what is happening on TV, who is winning the world series, who is killing, who is making more money than you, who is eating more than you, who is fatter, who has a better car, who has a bigger house, who has better kids, who has a bigger office, who has a better job, who has more money, more fame, more power, more sex, more drugs, more anything.

I sit around and the thoughts come into my head:

You’re not pretty enough; I am what I am
You’re not good enough; I will work and grow -- no one is perfect

The "no one loves you" thought comes into my head now and then, but it's a joke because it’s a lie.

The "you’ll never do anything worthwhile" thought comes too, but it’s a lie also and, frankly, what is worthwhile is not a way to measure yourself.

The "everyone will hurt you and leave you" thought comes around also, but then i tell myself, "yes, so what? I hurt people too. It’s a fact of life. We hurt each other. It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other."

The "people will judge you and think you’re a Well, that’s their problem because I don’t really care what people think. I have peace so you know what? If people are going to look down on me for whatever, it's their issue, not mine. It's their insecurity showing because THEY feel worthless.

Those voices though control so many people. They are fed by the TV. They are fed by advertising. They are fed by music. They are fed by a huge machine -- a machine most of you plug into.

We have replaced a meaningful relationship with a spiritual food with a meaningless relationship with materialism, commercialism, or, let’s say it in good old fashioned terms -- idolatry.

Now what is an idol? What is a god? It is whatever controls your mind. Now, I have done many things people consider bad, evil, sinful and yet those were actions -- those things, those pleasures -- that never controlled me for long periods of time. I would get caught up and still do sometimes -- my heart gets stuck like glue on the bottom of my shoe -- but I see it, feel it, and then clean it off.

Most people have relationships with there tvs. I look at tv like this: a good movie for an hour or two a few times a week is good and expands your mind. Most people though are in love with, worship and adore their tv. Their idol, their love, is their tv. They don’t go out. They don’t do anything. They work to serve their box which they bow down to.

"OH mighty tv, what do I need?"

"You need this car and these clothing and this girl friend and these toys. And you need to be like these people."

"OH mighty tv, how can I please you?"

"Feed me your life, your soul, your body, your energy."

Millions of people are walking dead men because, after years of sitting in front of tv for 4-6-8 hours a day, their mind is FRIED.

I love tv. when I am around it, I don’t want to turn it off either. I want to get lost in that world of fantasy, so I got rid of it. I don’t own one and people say how do you do it all?

Well, I don’t worship tv. I don’t have a relationship with a tv. I don’t care about what is POPULAR. Popular is what THEY want you to think is popular so you will buy it, so you will consume.

Meanwhile, more and more are dying from disease caused by lack of exercise and proper food.

So, now, here is what I do: I watch good movies and that’s it. The news doesn’t matter anyways because you know what? In all truth, half of it isn’t true anyways. Sure, it's good to think you know what's going on, but if you believe the media, well, you're going to be in for a shock one day if you ever start to look under the curtain. You’ll find the wizard and then you’ll see its one big show, baby.

So, you say, "No one loves me; I can't do anything; I want to die; the only comfort I get is downloading porn and watching tv; no one would want to talk to me because I am .

Now, that’s all good and clever, but you're wrong because up here, in the hidden jungle of concrete, there are people like me and those around me who speak of you often. We speak of you and we don’t know you, but we do and, frankly, we speak more often than not about ways to try to reach you. It's about education because you may think you're fat because of genes, but I can tell you that it’s most likely a lie and it can be fixed for free. You think no one cares; you feel like you're lost in a big machine and your parents don’t care; your boyfriend doesn’t care; your boss, your teacher, no one REALLY knows you or cares about you.

Well, you’re wrong. They do. You just can’t see them but they see you.

Now I learned this early on, but I had encounters that showed me that as much as I thought no one loved me and no one cared, I always knew there was something up there, out there, above me, around me, that was always there who cared, who made sure that I never faced more than I could take, and who kept me going even when I thought I just should be dead.

The something that is there sees you and then comes and bugs people like me and others who said we want to do what we can to help fix the mess. So you’re not alone.

And the next time you're in your room watching TV, afraid to turn it off because you may have to listen to yourself, the only way you’ll ever be free is if you get away from the blasted thing and start having a relationship with your soul.

The soul is better than TV because it's real.

And it’s your life.

And it’s free.

If you let anyone thing CONSUME you, it will kill you. It is your idol -- your god.

Now, speaking of God. I believe in God because of personal experiences. Nothing more and nothing less. I don’t care if you believe in God or not. Nor do I want to try to convince you that He is real. That’s between you and yourself-. I just hope you understand that I speak of God because He is a part of my life and something that is real to me. God may not be real to you and you may disagree (and I went through a time when I thought God was a big joke as well so I understand), but, just as I am not trying to convince you that He is real, I hope you will respect my views and not try to convince me that He is not. Because there is nothing to prove. Look, if you don’t believe in God that’s cool. Half of my friends don’t. It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care. It doesn’t make me think I am better or chosen or any of that crap. It’s just what I choose to believe. I have done my research about things. You either believe in science or in God. Either way, you either put faith in machines and calculations and in science or in a God. Either way you believe in something.

Most people don’t like the idea of God because that means there is someone out there and they're not hidden and therefore it means responsibility, or at least that’s what it was for me. I knew that if I said, "yes, you're real, God," it meant that I had to take responsibility for my actions. It meant that I was more aware. It meant I was awake and when I did things, it meant I felt the effects, fully and deeply. If I loved and gave, I felt great joy. If I was harmful or selfish, I felt great sorrow, for I knew I hurt myself, someone else and God. So, I understand about avoiding God, and I did it for a long time. Then I discovered that God doesn’t care really what you do. He just doesn’t like being ignored and avoided, and, when you avoid him, you have to cut off your soul because realistically, if you’re aware and deep and listen to your soul, it will keep searching.

Off with the tv and on with the soul!

Free

Free

Ever been free?

Free Your Mind.

2003-05-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

The topic of the morning: ESP; the 6th sense
--------------------
first and foremost, I believe we all have it. remember as a child -- a real little child -- when you would go, “mommy, what’s wrong?” because you knew something was wrong. you knew, even if she was trying to hide it, even if she appeared happy. you just knew.
Then mommy would say, “nothing is wrong” so then you still wouldn’t believe her and you would ask her again and she would get defensive. so, like children, you continue to push the issue and she continues to say, “nothing is wrong.”

Then well we learn not to listen or we think that we are wrong. most the time, we were right. there was something wrong, but the person on the other side didn’t want to face it. Facing things often means change. change makes life often uncomfortable. the older we get, the more comfortable we are and the less we like change.

so then well you're off to school and I have to say American schools seem to have left anything to do with the soul or spirituality or anything that isn’t just mental out of the picture. it's no wonder we have all these kids who are out of wack. they are being taught all the wrong things. Taught not to listen to their hearts. taught not to pay attention to anything except material and a physical life. taught that the only thing that matters is HOW GOOD they are: good grades, good looks, good life, good car, good job, good morals. GOOD; GOOD; GOOD!

Great. Wonderful. well we all really know that we will never be good enough because there will always be someone prettier, smarter, richer.

then there is organized religion and, well, I hate to say it, but most of them don’t teach you crap about your soul. this past year I was doing my usual research at a church to see the state and needless to say, when the teacher said, “God doesn’t communicate through dreams or visions anymore,” I almost threw up. Afterwards, I went to him and said, “I think you need to study the Bible a bit more before you go teaching people how GOD communicates."

no, most (not all) churches are like dry toast. they are singing the same songs for a hundred years. they say the same prayers which everyone says and no one means. how do you think God feels when he hears all these people half heartedly talking to Him? treating him like a burden? like a chore? now this is due to systems that oppose plugging people into their souls; they plug them instead into laws, rules, guidelines.

if you do this, then well you’ll know God.

back to esp. esp is the ability to see, be aware, feel, and/or sense the spiritual world.

the spiritual world: everything going on now on the surface starts at a much deeper place. I was the child who, when people told me they were fine, would look at them and say, "Liar." then they had a choice: shut off and run or, more often than not, let down their guard and open up. once they opened up, once they were honest with me and themselves, a strange thing happened. over time, all the issues would become non-issues. people healed.

I got mad at God and the world when I was young though because I was always the one opening people up and giving. for a long time, it was one sided. I would cry because I wanted someone to open me up, to care enough to look at me and say, "you’re not okay. what’s wrong?"

People are scared. I don’t get it. even now, it takes me time with people for them to act on their inner self with me: I have found that once people start though, it's like going back to people being closed off. it is like someone taking their soul away or out of the picture.

I am no different than anyone else. I just came to an understanding that this inner sense was the most valuable gift I had in life and I spent years trying to keep it because, frankly, we live in a culture that seems to do nothing but try to turn it off. It isn’t surface things that turn it off. when I was a party animal, it was just as there as it is now, but it is rather a much deeper issue. it is said that there is only one un-pardonable sin. now, when I read this, it didn’t make sense at first. it is said the only un–pardonable sin in a modern translation because the bible speaks in words that sometimes aren’t so with it is turning off your soul -- unplugging. it says you will doubt, you will sin, you will go through times you don’t know for sure or even times you think you may not believe in God or anything. and that’s all good. no big deal. no one cares. sure, you may have some issues. you know if you kill people, you are going to pay the price. karma -- things go around and come around.

So now why? Well it is very simple. without the soul, God and the spiritual world are dead. the soul is the translator between earth, sky, nature, you, other human beings and heaven. if you turn it off, you may as well be a machine.

So many people are becoming machines, robots. then they wonder why they're not happy. well ummmmmmmm you kinda cut off the center of all you are and all you experience. no wonder you're not happy. well, why do people cut it off? Because, well, let's bring the path into view. a spiritual path is a path of growth and constant renewing of the mind/body/soul. it is a path of struggle but a path that is on a quest for truth. the path of destruction is a path running from truth. without truth, you are on the path of destruction which will lead you to destruction from the inside out.

The path of truth has its struggles, but they are there to teach you. the path of illusion or of destruction is often easier on the surface or, for the short term, but long term, it will suck all of you into the ground and leave you rotting away. So now recovering your inner self is a process. You have to listen.

Music, people, nature are all good teachers.

Anyways, more later

2003-05-29T01:16:00.000-07:00

Days slip by so rapidly, so quickly. They pass each day and at the end, like now, I look over it and say, "So what did I do? Did I give anything back? What did I say? What were my actions?" I look back, I listen.

Today I woke up and I wrote two piano pieces. Then, I got ready, made a bunch of phone calls, went into the city, talked to my therapist and had a break through. For years, I blamed myself for things that happened to me. I thought if I wasn't outgoing, if I wasn't sexy, if I wasn't so open, then bad things wouldn't have happened. For the last few weeks, I have been asking myself, "why I am hiding, why I have been hiding." Digging and pulling, I found that I was hiding because I thought if I come across as okay, and as not so sexy, not so outgoing, as closed, insecure, and unattractive, no one will want me and bad things won't happen.

Well, she looked at me and said, "That is the biggest myth and a very dangerous place to be and believe."

But people told me that if I had done this or that or followed these rules or so on it wouldn't have happened. They don't get it. It's
not you. It's them. If someone has the mind to do it, they will do it. It doesn't matter if you're ugly or pretty, old or young. If someone is out to hurt and you're in their way, it may just happen. You can't control it and you can't hide from it.

It's not you; it's them.

A light bulb went off. For years, I have been hiding because I thought it was me. So, I spent years looking at what I could change and what I did wrong. Whatever does it matter? The reality is this: When people abuse you, rape you, beat you, rob you, lie to you, and leave you, it's not you -- it's them.

SO get over it already. As I am. Over it.

Next: lunch conversation with rob, plans, making ideas realities, then I dropped off my comp card.

It started raining. I was walking in the rain, walking and getting soaked. I stopped at the coffee shop and got more coffee. I think I am back to my habit of coffee. It could be worse -- like cocaine. I worked on my website...the last pieces.

You have 24 new messages. This is what happens when I start to come out of my shell. Now I try to find a way to keep up with it all. I try to fit people in, fit meetings in, fit photo shoots in, fit video projects in, fit music writing in, fit yoga in (it's been ignored), fit vocal lessons in, fit piano lessons in, fit writing in, fit reading in, fit doing all the work on this website in, fit painting in, fit creating digital art in, fit castings in, fit phone calls in, fit eating in, fit sleep in.

New projects -- old projects -- new ideas -- come as soon as I finish doing one. They never stop. Now, I give them away to those around me. Sure, I inspire people because, well, I have too many ideas. So I try to give the ones I can't do away.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Then G meet me. He has being reading my journal. It didn't scare him so I suppose he has an open mind. This journal does all the work for me. It's much easier to start a working relationship creatively with someone who knows you for more than an image because I don't have to sit around and explain things to him or anyone else I work with. They usually get it. Or they don't. For him, he got it.

He left with 10 tapes in hand. Poor man. 10 hours of me and I just got started. I don't think he understands that me with a camera is dangerous. Then I went to shoot with Jeremy. Boring headshots. Boring. I couldn't take it. We have to make art, so the next thing I know, I am in t-shirts with writing and ripped up stockings as a shirt and then we started.

We are dangerous with a camcorder. I think we are going to make some statements.

Ideas. How can we make people pause? Stop? Think? Remember? Breathe?

Yes, stop the mind. The thing that never is still.

Now we made art, lots of it. Art that when people will see it, they will go, "Wow, that's neat!"

We didn't even think about it. We ate a salad, sat on the floor, talked about love, life, moving forward -- the usual deep conversations. Then, I took a car home. Now I am here, hardly able to see. Feeling worn out. A good worn out.

Because I look back and I see that it was good.

P.S. I was bored. So I gave myself bangs.

2003-05-27T07:34:00.000-07:00

We all have personal demons. In my experience, they go away when I spend time with God or open to God. Then again, I believe in God. Not because anyone told me, but because I’ve never been able to run away. When I do, the same thing happens.

When I turn my back and walk the other way, which I did and still do sometimes, it's usually out of guilt. I used to say that if my parents can’t even love me, then how could God? I was never good enough for them or for the church, and if I wasn’t good enough to deserve their love, how could God love me? That kept me running from the possibility of God for a long time. But, the more I ran, the more I searched and the more I tried everything else and the more I learned.

When I stopped running, and just said, "okay, sure you’re real. sure, you love me, flawed and all," then all of a sudden things that used to have me freaking out all the time all made sense. In fact, when I stopped running and saying "You can't love me; no one can" is when I realized the only thing that kept me haunted and tormented was my own personal demons who for years had me in their hands and could yank me like a puppet.

I would do well and then they would smash me. The reason they could smash me though was because I was doing well. I never always do well. I was always falling, and then once I fell or slipped, then I would feel like I wasn’t good enough and then I would feel despair. Once caught in despair, I would be their puppet, ruled by fear and doubt.

Then one day, I slipped and I was there on the ground with them and their sledge hammer tactics and something snapped. Wait a minute. I thought of it like this: I am a artist; I love creating; I love the creations. If God created me, He knows I am going to mess up. He knows all of me. In fact, if He knows all of me, well He knew I was going to do this. So if He says that He loves me regardless, then maybe He does. Maybe He is unlike my parents. Hmmmmmm concept.

From then on, when the personal demons would come around, I would just look at them and say, “you lost. God doesn’t care if I sin. It's not about sin. It is beyond that, so you can't do anything to make me feel hopeless, or worthless because He loves me no matter what I do.” Then they were gone. Poof! Bye!

Then I had freedom -- real freedom -- because it wasn’t about good and bad. Then a funny thing happened. Because of love, I wanted to be better and I realized that I could be better. I could be more than I was. The possibilities were endless. So the world became one big playground. Granted, sometimes I still don’t go out as often as I need to, but. . .

Another light bulb came into my head last night (or this morning), but that is a story we will save for a later day.

So, the moral of the story is simple: If you really believe you are loved and one with God, what can ever touch you?

Poof

2003-05-23T00:56:00.000-07:00

i wrote this
as i passed out
in front of
this thing-------------trying to finish a new creation--------------------

its a poem-ish thing

i write at three am
sitting staring at the stars
far from all the places
i used to wonder
by the water
in the trees
where i used to lay down
to sleep

a million words have now
passed between these fingers
and they keys
maybe a few million more in
this life time
i stare outside sometimes
remember the simplicity of life
which i now try to
recreate
in a concrete city

filled with millions of lives
each one with its own story
i look at them and marvel
maybe souls are my stars
thats why i came to the city
pulled in by the energy
or dreams and possibilities
of what could be if someday
everyone remembered
how to let go and shine
how to open up and dream
how to be
free

i curl up on the floor
there i lay between
heaven and earth
what was
what is to be
is all the same to me

just as each human
is a story
no matter how many i read
they all seem to
catch a peice of me

maybe thats because
they are like the stars to me
i look up and i see beauty
even in
the things
others say
are worthless
or broken
useless
or nothing
but then again
i read the storys
under the eyes
cause thats where the truth lays

as do i
on the floor
between heaven and earth
in between
i 've wondered both places
most of my life
going back and forth
i go there when i need
to remember beauty
is in all things
when i need to remember
what love is
when i need to find myself
then i lay down
close my eyes
somehow my heart
falls open
out into the sky
transcends past
all the walls
between here and there
here is there
just as you are here

the sky has always been my sanctuary
as has the the subway
there in no diffrence
its all the same
its just the way
we see it
or if we can believe in anything
besides dirty concrete
cheap wine
and paper with faces
that seems to control the race

here i sit and stare
i am here i am there
i am in your room
i am in atlanta walking down the empty city streets
i climb into your room
make sure your asleep
then i am in LA looking for my lost sheep
standing on the edge
trying not to jump
i reach out
from afar
i know where you are
maybe you can see me
but i see you
i wonder the into her room
see her curled up in the corner
crying cause someone died
i reach out
from my corner in the city
between heaven and earth
all day long
its like watching tv
only the programming is
humanity
the souls are the channels

so many think its strange
that i can connect
but its really
only a matter of understanding
the soul knows no time nor no place
it is free to be
anywhere
everywhere

i listen
sometimes
i dont know what to do
or if to do anything
at all
but
if you think
there is no one
listening
well
there are many more besides me

i meet them now and then
they have marks
on there hearts
they have eyes in there souls
that roam
that watch
that know
that see
that feel

they are like me do what they can when they can
to try to be there
to lift up
to inspire

its always been that way
something's never change

i sit here
and i listen
to the songs of angels
inbetween
the wispher of
all of you
out there

2003-05-22T07:19:00.000-07:00

to everything there is a season
a time and a purpose for everything under heaven
a time to be born
a time to die
a time to kill
and a time to heal
a time to lie down
and a time to build up
a time to weep
and a time to laugh
a time to mourn
and a time to dance
a time to embrace
a time to not embrace
a time to gain
and a time to lose
a time to keep
and a time to throw away
a time to be silent
and a time to speak
a time to love
a time to hate
a time of war
and a time of peace

if we fight the flow of life, we cut ourselves off from renewing our minds and souls. things happen to teach us lessons in life. if we listen to our heart, our true self, which knows all that will be in our time and is just trying to make sense of the chain of events, will lead us.

it is like a radar detector. if you're in the right direction, it will let you know. if you get off track, it will let you know.

to listen to your heart, you must clear your mind though. this is the struggle that all of us face and have faced since the beginning and it will be so till the end.

----end of transmission------

Jillian Ann

-------------------in the dark the eye begins to see----------------------------------free----y-o-u-r------m-i-n-d----------------

2003-05-21T03:02:00.000-07:00

it is 6 am and i can't sleep, so i will write. i am writing because it is what i feel i should do.

i was lying in bed, seeing the destruction of humanity. i see it even though i try not to watch the news, try not to dwell on it. i am always aware of the bombs, the planes, the deaths, the suicides, the countless amounts of harm people do to each other. for what? for ego, for greed, for money, for morals.

i used to question why and now i understand when hearts and souls go cold. it seems they only care about what they can do to fill their needs. they turn to things which then control them. once their cravings control them, they are like little puppets and will do anything to feed that craving, including killing people

when i was a child, i used to talk to david at 5 am when i couldn't sleep. now i talk to the world or to myself. i would call him and talk to him about these very things. when we were 15, we talked about the now and we talked about if we could stop it.

" we could take out all the power plants"

well, needless to say, i know that, in truth, that will never be. but, when i was 15, it seemed like the only logical solution to end the rapid war. the war isn't about countries or oil or money or terror. the real war isn't even visible on the surface. in fact, most of the world is dead and doesn't even know it or feel it or sense it.

life is peachy and will be peachy as long as they are distracted.

i remember talking to david about the reality. the now, the tommorow. people will be distracted, pulled away. the focus will be on anything but the heart and the soul. the focus, the distraction keeps people asleep, unaware of the war that is going on. sleeping like the rest of the world.

as i sit here, i watch the sky unfold. i am happy. i am at peace, even in my worst. the older i get, the less i need, the less i want,
the less i crave. i do crave things like peace and love, but it is more like i crave the expansion of both. i crave truth and understanding -- which show themselves to me when i am silent. within.

as i sit here i see a million eyes and billions of lives. like a tv show of all of humanity that knows no time or no place. it is and was and will be.

if you want to know why i do what i do, it is because of mornings like these. people ask me why i care about music and art so much. it is because it is a way to carry love out across the wires, across the walls. music is the one thing that can keep people feeling, keep people plugged in. it's a tradgedy to see the music bussiness in a state of decay because the further it falls, the more i hear little girls say to me, " i don't have any role models" or " i don't have any teachers that really teach."

for centuries, musicians, artists, poets, writers, photographers, teachers were the ones that kept feeding the soul through their forms of expression. i know there are others out there with me who feel these things, who are aware. so now my challenge is this: who is going to help the artists, the musicians, the visionaries, the teachers get past the wall and get through to the masses?

if no one will help us, we will do as we have done thus far. we will use what we do have -- which is the internet -- and we will keep pushing our little souls out through wires and hope it gets to you.

sure it would be nice if there was another door to reach the masses. the doors are people. they are out there. they know their vocation. i think they are hiding under their beds.

well time to get up. because if you don't, whoever you are, wherever you are, life is short.

use it. don't lose it.

----end of transmission------

Jillian Ann
212.696.7814
www.JillianAnn.com

2003-05-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

Do we live a life that is based on what other people think? Or do we follow our heart and F*&^% if the world doesn’t get it? Who is anyone to judge anyways---------?

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Got an email that was saying I was a bad role model because I went to a fetish ball. I find it very amusing that someone would make the judgment considering the fact that half the people who run the world are into fetish and I am sure there were many so called role models there -- people who are into fetish in one way or another. It’s just someone who doesn’t understand “fetish” and assumes it is evil.

So now you’re speaking to someone who has many friends who are into some sort of thing or another to do with “fetish.” It could be they like wearing rubber. Big deal! Have you worn rubber? If not, try it. You may like it. There is nothing wrong with wearing rubber or getting spanked. How many millions of people like it? It’s really narrowed minded to think getting a spanking is evil. Or getting tied up????? Oh no that’s sooooooooooooooooooooooo taboo. Really? Then how come something like 70 percent of people have done it or wanted to try it.

When you’re a child you explore. When you’re an adult you explore. Those of us who are into always exploring tend to fall into fetish-land. We also tend to fall into yoga, meditating, God, higher spiritual things, Blah, Blah, Blah. We just want to explore

So now, back to my point. I do what my heart says to do. If my heart says go make art, I go make art. If my heart says go to church, I’ll go to church. If my heart says I want to dress up and go to a fetish ball because it is the only place people really dress up any more, then I will go. If my heart says go fast for a week, I am going.

Go paint. Go draw. Go call so and so. Go visit so and so. Go and do this or that.

It’s about motives, which you can’t judge. No one can.

Example, let's use Christ. The guy comes down and says that religion is backwards, destructive and hurting people and he is intent on destroying the system. Then he goes into the cities and hangs out with hookers, thieves and the least of so called society. He gets irritated one day and goes into a church where they are taking offerings (I wont make any modern day connections to any current religious sections) and he says the price has been paid and destroys their little offering table. He grew a massive following and, well, the system didn’t like it, so they had him killed.

In a modern day setting, he would be hanging out with the porn stars and the rockers and the geeks, and all those who the so called "good" *cough* people rejected. He would be killed again I am sure, most likely taken out by a bullet. We don’t have crosses.

Now some say it is all a story so I am using it as a story and bringing it in as an example. The example is that he had one motive -- to show love to those who the rest of the world had spit on, rejected and outcasted. He said he came for the lost. In reality, no one is good. Get over it. Those who believe they are good are living a lie. We all mess up. We are all the same. We are all in the same boat. We judge people by their jobs, their religious beliefs, their past, their sexual habits, their drugs, their clothing. And all we are doing is killing each other. Until we stop seeing people as a list of check marks, we will never see the truth.

I don’t care if you believe in God or nothing. It doesn’t affect how I view you as a gingival. I have friends in all places, in all walks of life, and I love them all for who THEY are, not what they do or believe.

The point is Truth has nothing to do with social circles or if you have had a perfect life or if you follow a set of moral rules. You die to be moral. You die to be famous. You die to be rich. You die to be pretty. You die to be accepted. You die to fit in. You die to be a part of a world that you will never be good enough for. You will have to be more moral, prettier, richer, smarter. Need I go on?

I have been on the ground with nothing and no one and I had peace there because it was then and there that I learned that peace. That I was and cannot be based on other people or the world, but, rather, based on truth. The truth will set you free. It is the only thing. The truth is planted deep inside of our souls.

You have to tear down the layers -- the layers that keep us from truth. Layers that separate us.

2003-05-17T12:06:00.000-07:00

6 AM wake up, drink a banana and coconut shake. Think of how I missed mittens' warm body in the morning wrapped up around me, the smell of his skin, the tea in the morning. then I rush to the stairs, down and then in a cab. no time for shower, so I must still smell like sex from the day before.

then I was in transit and I remembered that I left my phone in my rush of getting up and getting out.

so now two sugar free red bulls, talking about religion, sex in high schools. I interviewed a 16 year old. amazing. I sit here between shoots. It's good to be back in my little underground network of free minded artists. It’s a huge network.

It's nice to get out of New York, to get out of the circles and go somewhere else and expand my mind. That’s why I loved modeling. It was the people I met, the stories, what I learned from people. Like today I learned about a place in India where I can go and live for a month on 200 dollars. Amazing. So I will maybe go for a month, hang out, do yoga, eat vegetables and write an album.

That is if I can upgrade my system so I can go on the road. I love New York, but I have always been a bit of a gypsy.

Back to shooting.

2003-05-16T18:36:00.000-07:00

here is a thought: do you believe we have a purpose?

the whole big bang theory doesn't make sense to me because the more i learn, the less it makes sense.

i have yet to find anything that doesn't have a purpose and if everything has a purpose, why would we be if we didn't have a purpose? which brings me to this -- it just doesn't make logical sense that all of this has no purpose.

i have a purpose. everyone i know has one. some choose not to see it or they go against it or run from it.

like love. there is love everywhere, but you have to believe in it. and that now brings me to this -- if a tree fell down in the woods and no one saw or heard it, did it fall?

is life what we believe? or, if we believe in nothing, is life merely a state of, as so many say, just trying to get by. and if life is only about getting by and you have no dreams, no purpose, why live? or, maybe that's the reason so many are unhappy. they feel they have no purpose, no reason, no meaning. no meaning except whatever we can get here -- sex, drugs, money, power, cars, boats, morals. hmmmmmmmm those things are like chasing a bird by running after it. it will always have you running after it.

so if you base your purpose in life on anything here, you're screwed because it will never be enough. so then what do you base it on? this is the question they have been asking for years and the answer is simple yet everyone avoids it. like i am even now.

why? because if you don't know, you're avoiding it too. so i could tell you or just say you know if you listen.

so i went to the black and blue ball last night with mittens. it was amazing. i was in heaven. i had a beautiful boy who had me on a leash and collar. we went to cyber punk super freak heaven filled with lots of people who love opera, latex, spanking, rubber and stuff like that. i wrote a whole essay you'll get later about the world of fetish and sharing it with others and how it is a very positive thing if done right.

wonderful evening
wonderful morning
wonderful day

now i am working for the next several days solid. off to shoot and to shoot and to make music.

and so i leave you, but my thoughts are with you

2003-05-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

Make an island unto yourself!
Strive hard and become wise!
Rid of impurities and cleansed of stain,
you shall not come again to birth and decay.

Dhammapada 238

2003-05-13T08:03:00.000-07:00

The possibilites in life are endless
Yet we often limit ourselves
Life is a mirage
Reality is only within the decisions
You define yourself with

Open your mind
To the endless options
The possibilities in what it true
In what to believe
In what you are
In what you can be

or here is another example
what is God
who is God
why have a closed mind towards God
why believe he is only what you have been taught
or shown by some man
who is not God
for if God is real
don’t you think he would want you to find him on your own as he is rather then believe what they say
someone says they know me
they tell you I am snob stuck up and I hate anything that is imperfect
so you believe them
for years
you really believe I am as they told you I was
so you fear me, you don’t like me, maybe you hate me

then one day your on a subway and you drop your bag
I pick it up
We start talking
We talk for awhile you then ask my name
I tell you
Your shocked
I wasent what you thought I was

Last night I got on the train two old men sat next to me, smiling laughing old Italian men
“don’t worry no one will even think of messing with you now”
thanks I said, the entire ride I sat there invisible they didn’t say another word to me, they really did sit there not to hit on me but rather acted as a wall. From all the ones in the train who looked at me and thought of me as lunch meat, being able to read peoples thoughts is a pain in the ass.

That is all for now

2003-05-12T11:50:00.000-07:00

The sun comes up. I slept in. 4:30 am I went to sleep.

You want to know what I fear? I fear my imperfections. I fear people won’t love me because I am not good enough. Now, I know I will never be perfect, so I don't usually try to hide my faults, but I am afraid that people won’t accept those faults.

Because, you see, if people accept them and help you see them, then usually you can change them. I have always wanted people in my life who would point things out so I could be aware and change them. Yet, when they do point them out, there is always a little fear in my head that goes running down the hill.

Example – when david told me I was addicted to money a year ago, first I got defensive and then I was afraid. Afraid he would stop being my friend because of it. So I asked him, do you still love me? Of course, he answered yes and so, needless to say, I faced and worked on changing the flaw.

But for a moment I felt insecure, and then the door opened and out came the big negative voice. “Come on in,” the loud speaker said. “you are worthless....you are useless... you can’t do anything right....you’re not good enough"

Like a loud speaker in a fair announcing an evacuation because there is a bomb scare and you’re on the roller coaster, all of a sudden your heart drops.

But this brings us to love and types of love. Unconditional love which is true love which evolves and grows sees someone’s weakness and has to bring them to the surface. Like what Mittens did. the things I do which are habits, bad habits, that I need to change -- he brings to the surface. Which I am thankful for because if he didn't say something when I did something that annoyed him or hurt him, I might continue doing it. As together as you may think I am, I am human and mess up all the time. Like a splinter that wasn’t removed, it would grow and get infected and then the next thing you know, you have to cut the finger off.

So I am glad he points things out and if he didn't, I would be more upset. Because if someone is unwilling to tell you the truth, then well they really either aren't honest with themselves or don't really care or they want something from you. What annoys me is all the people who I know or knew that would kiss my ass, always kiss my ass. I was like the little perfect girl. Granted none of these people ever got to know me very well because I don't like people who treat me like some goddess doll who is perfect. It does me no good to live in a world of flattery. I am an oxymoron because I sometimes feel like I am not good enough and yet I can do anything I put my mind to doing. Sometimes I have a hard time believing in myself because I am my own worst critic and I know I do things wrong, and I want people to tell me.

Yet even though I know what I want, it is still like when the loudspeaker comes on in my mind. My therapist tells me the loudspeaker isn't true and it’s years of incorrect treatment (abuse) by people. Yet it still comes on. Now I know it’s not true. I know it's the past trying to latch on to the present so I do my best just to turn it off, not react, and it goes away.

Then I look back at what I need to work on and it is all the same thing – paying attention, being aware. I used to hide in my head. I could float through life and never really be there. I would come out when I was alone or when I was with people like david or dawnn but the rest of the time, I was watching tv. I was in the tv, it was a big show. I was just playing a part. I could read people well enough and was smart enough and read enough. I could speak to everyone and usually have a deep introspective conversation, but meanwhile I was in my head writing a new piece of music completely in another place. It was a defensive mechanism just as my never being in one city for more than two weeks, or never letting people get to close were defensive mechanisms.

Because I would start to really care, and when I really care, I am one of those people who would do anything for people I love and go to all ends of the world if needed. Now, I love many people and want to help a lot of them, but I figured out I can’t save the world even though I would like to. I am not superman (or an x-man) so I am kind of stuck. So now I do what I can when I can but if I don't stop and meditate, and am aware, and clean my own head, I end up slipping.

Slipping is like being on a hill. we all do it. Life is like walking up a hill and it’s raining, and it's a hill of dirt and you have to go slowly and pay attention. now more often than not we are doing really well but then we get distracted. something grabs hold of our attention. Fear, doubt, insecurity, feeling worthless, one of those or others or just being selfish and we stop paying attention to the world and the ground around us and then all of the sudden we slip. Then we fall down the hill, and not only did we fall, but we are all muddy and made a mess. Then we see ourselves on the ground muddy and then usually our natural response is to sit there and mourn and be upset and feel like we can’t do anything right and beat ourselves up.

I have the habit. I mess up and I feel like the end of the world is here and no one will love me and I may has well lay down and die. Now I know these emotions are way over the top and it is not the end of the world and people will still care even though I mess up yet it doesn’t stop my emotions from saying those things. We all have the negative and positive voices within and we have to choose which ones to listen to. If we feed the negative, it gets stronger; just like if we feed the positive, it gets stronger. Now maybe I should say we have the truth and the lies. That's what I mean by negative and positive.

The truth says people will accept me regardless of my imperfections. The lies say if I am perfect, no one will love me.

The truth says people who love you will help you change and grow and will help you see your weakness. The lies say if you don't change over night and are not perfect, they will all abandon you.

The truth says life is about learning and growing and it has its ups and downs. The lies say life is about being perfect and if you’re not perfect, you might as well go stick a gun in your throat or go eat bon bons and watch tv and kill yourself.

The truth says that I am okay regardless of my flaws. The lies say if I am not perfect in every aspect, I am a worthless human being.

The truth offers hope and a chance to change. The lies offer you a dead end wall.

We all have these battles. I know I am not the only one who has this struggle. I can’t be and if I am, well then maybe, I am a freak or I just think too much about these things. But I don’t think that is a case. I think that the state of hopelessness I see sweeping people who give up and once people give up they become soulless. Ghouls walking around New York City. Ghosts with empty cases for hearts. The heart is there but it fell down the hill a long time ago. they fell down like I do. But like I have and like sometimes I do for a brief amount of time, they give up on themselves, on humanity, on hope, on love. And they lay there and they are covered in rain and in mud and then they sink into it like quicksand. I see them all. these people with their heads popping out of the quicksand and then they want out, but they lost their bodies, they lost their energy, they lost their hope. Now, we all fall and we all can get up or we can choose to fall into the quicksand and drown.

I see people and I try to get them before the quicksand. Because I have lost some to the quicksand. I venture down the hill and reach out my hand to those when I see them fall and say, “come on, get up, get up, it’s okay, we all mess up, you have to change, you have to keep fighting keep walking, don't lay down, don't die. Come on, here is a hand.”

As a friend, as a lover, as anyone to anyone else. When you see someone fall, help them understand why they fall. If I see you fall, I will tell you why you are slipping or say you should work on changing it, and try to be the positive voice in realtime. Granted, it may hurt me when you fall. you may grab my leg and drag me in. It hurts because I care though, not because I don't think you’re good enough or so on. If you always are dragging me in the mud and aren't trying to change, then I may have to have a heart to heart talk that consists of, “look, you have to change. I can’t change this, you have to do it.” Now most of the time I have found if you really try to help someone with truth, and speaking the truth over time, it sets them free. it fixes things. But there have been times when people choose the quicksand. They give up. they lay down. they let the quicksand cover their bodies and they choose to be hopeless. This is the only thing I fear because once a person’s body is submerged, it is very, very hard to get them out.

So I fall all the time. Every day. But I get up and go on, and get up over and over. Life will be about falling and getting up. About messing up. You will love; you will cry. You will feel pain; you will feel joy. But if you lay down and die, you won’t feel anything at all.

I went with mittens to meet his family. it made me miss mine. I was thinking of my grandmother. I remember she was the one who taught me how to say, “I believe in you” and now when those words leave my mouth, I remember where they came from, what those words mean and how much they can mean. Love will change people if you love someone and believe in them and have faith in them. It helps them believe in themselves. Love makes people change. Positive words go much further then negative. He looked at me and he was right with everything he said, and he said it because he did care. if he didn't, he wouldn’t have said it. He is trying to help me see when I fall. Not many people did that. As I said, they would either beat my head in the ground with how bad I was or they would kiss my ass. Neither one does any good. The only way to help people change is when you see them falling down the hill, you reach out and tell them why and help them see. If you don't, you may as well be pushing them down the hill. If you yell at them and tell them how dumb or stupid (or the other thousands of negative names you can call them) they are, the only thing your going to do is make them fall further and if you ignore them it is just as bad.

This weekend I spent with Mittens. On Saturday, we got out of bed at 4PM. Neither one of us seems to want to unwrap from each other in the mornings. Although I am a bit of a cuddle bug, I love being in bed with him in the morning. There is something about the morning, the sun rising or not, the horns honking (just kidding), skin to skin, warmth. We got up and went to have brunch with his roommate and his girlfriend who are both warm people. The tribeca film festival was going on so there were all these little kids running around. So much to absorb. We are out at brekfest and talked about life, work, love, the usual.

Then we went walking through the city, to a small low key bar near the water. We sat, had a glass of wine and spoke some more. After that, we went to a friend’s place and we sat on the roof. A beautiful view of the city. Sarah and I talked. its funny how two people from two different parts of the world with two completely different ways of life can have so much in common.

Then we had sushi, and now that I am writing these things, I see how my short term memory is lacking. Because I can remember the feelings, remember the action, remember some bits of conversation. But not all of them. now I know they are somewhere in my mind and I suppose I remember the things that really stand out. Yet this, right here, is my very issue-being aware because so much was said, so much passed between us yet I don't doubt that the wine may have caused a slight memory lapse.

Or maybe it is normal. does anyone remember all that was said? How does the mind chore what it clings to and what it puts on the back burner?

Then we went back. felt a bit off. I think it was chemical. it may sound dumb, but I have a super sensitive body, and if I go too far from what is normal, my sugar dives and then I feel shaky and emotional. In fact, the reason I am a vegan and did what I did as far as changing my diet was because if I consume to much sugar/caffeine/wine/ and not enough veggies, I get off balance and then I get over emotional. it sounds dumb but well I am studying chinese medicine and it is all about that.

And I am done for now. No more writing. Back to reading. Web work. And so on.

But one last thing: If I died tomorrow, I would be content because I know what it is like to be in love.

2003-05-11T03:58:00.000-07:00

(Friday, May 9)

lift your heart to heaven
skinny girl
walking down 7th avenue
one day i will buy a pair of expensive shoes
and a fur coat
and pretend i am better then everyone else
it seems to be a perfect thing to do when you walk down 7th avenue
with a nose in the air
proud you are there
silly old queens i see them inside i see them late at night drinking to much wine and then hiding in the bathroom
with there nose in the air
with a tear sliding down there fur coat
so the more they feel un worthy
the more they buy fur coats

into the subway people in suite with mind in circles of what to do
" the rents late"
" I want a new girlfriend"
" why do I have to be sitting next to them"
" I wonder if my stocks will go up"
banker broker budist busssiness men business women
old women fat sweating eyes like little peas she looks at the floor she eats mcdonalds and potato chips she reads fashion magazines
hate the models wants to be one hates her body buys more potato chips
the smell of sweat and grease make my tummy turn

out on to 7th avenue men walk fast look at me undress me
no other thoughts they think of on thing me naked in bed or me naked next to them or me naked
naked
naked
silly strange men
then they think of why I ignore them
they think they are too ugly
to fat
to old
to poor
or they may think I am a dyke
on man hollers why are you ignoring me
I am taken I say and keep walking
Walking around this city is like a game of pac man I am trying not to get eaten
Strange city
To the gym
The boy smiles behind the counter we talked once about caffinnee about add now he gives me free coffee he is happy
Always making wheat grass or carrot jucie for big men with big muscels or little women or big women all kinds of people pass by. I go up stairs there I am in a room with naked women all over all types. I never got to see naked women till I left home then it was hard for me not to notice. Not because I am a perverte but rather I am fascinated with there bodies, there breast there hair there skin there shape, they are all so different I try not to wonder try not to look but I cant help wondering cant help wondering if they are married if they are single what they do how they feel ------then I go down the stairs to yoga I sit on the floor. I breathe in and out
In and out
The mind starts

SHUT UP this is yoga
It dosent listen
It has been a long time
My body is being a brat
I try not to loss connection
Oh wait I lost that when I was a kid and used to be beat
I am trying to reconnect
Ok connect
Legs I know you are there
Hello
I struggle I don't feel
I feel like a flicker
There you are

She sees me
She sees me struggle
She comes she touches little things and I feel huge amounts of tension fall
She touches my heart and I felt something pop

Pop
Pop
Pop

Wait
I let go
There it was pop pop the body breaks out
And I felt it
Then it goes back to mind
Struggle
Sweat
I forgot how to feel
For years my body was a machine it worked
It worked to survive
It was beat it kept going
It was bruised
It was hit over and over I just kept going
How
I turned it off you can do that you can turn it off and well now I don't need to be off
Off is only when well you can physically deal with the pain

Pop
Pop
Yoga over
I wanted to talk to her
To shy
I left upstairs
Naked women
I take a shower I set out
A big women looks at me
She wished she was skinny
I make eye contact
I say no you don't
Be happy
The way you are
I go into the bathroom
Bathrooms are hard for me steam rooms
There is something there that eats me
I found it today
I used to hide to cry in the shower in the bathroom it was the only quiet place
And so now years latter I go there and the mind used to old tricks slips back
Then of course the tape comes on, of the words your fat, ugly why don't you---------
Enough tape
Silence

Out of the steam room the phone rings
Musician
We talk
About collberations
Meetings
I get dressed
Head down
Back on 7th avenue
Pac man
On the phone again
Get a juice
Wonder
I go to the cathedreal
Quiet
Peace
No pac man
I hide in a corner
I bury my head in my lap
I go dead silent
I sit
I feel love inside
I feel love outside
Love ripes open old wounds
Yes where is the achohol
Out
Your clean silly girl out with all the past

In comes the love
And it replaces all
And then the heart opens
To the sky
To the heaven
And I leave
To the agency
To have a juice
With david f
We speak of love
We speak of life
We speak of truth
We run
To free people
Free from rules
From limits
From ideals

Train
Here and then
I most go
For more of a day

Say
I
Love
You
Mr
M

2003-05-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

so this is something i did out of my email box--------------------------------------so i used it to do more--------of to yoga

I was wondering how you feed your soul...I am very spiritual, but I really want to know from you. I am a model on OMP #. My life has always seemed like a hamster wheel always going in circles. Stuck in this town feels like im in the movie the living dead. I always wonder how you made it to new york with money, courage, etc. Please email me back with some kind of advice:)

Thanks, Apryl

Well -------Lets begin

---------------Life often seems like a hamster wheel going in circles because our minds are completely over exposed over saturated and cluttered. Due to this you feel overwhelmed you feel like your being pulled by a million things all the time.
The first thing you need to do is begin to find balance. This is not easy nor is it a simple task.
The mind/body/soul are all connected if you ignore one all will suffer.
So to begin the first thing to do is to look at what is coming inside, what do you absorb from the world? Do you feed off TV that is negative do you watch lots of dramas, talk shows, even the news which is nothing but the downfall of humanity exploited, peoples pain blown up, anger, violence, hostility. TV is not bad but what you watch can be. So the first thing to do if you are watching those things is stop. It is not needed it only makes you feel worse and more depressed. If I watched it I get depressed. Good movies (like the matrix) are one thing they are helpful, sometimes inspiring. If you are going to watch TV watch movies, or discovery. What you take in influences you.

Also look at the music you listen to what is the message what are they saying, if they tell you to go jump off a bridge and kill yourself and life is worthless. Or worse that money is all that matters then I would say go get yourself some new tunes. Massive attack / Enigmia/ Dead Can Dance / Depeche Mode / Coldplay / Linkin Park/ And there is much more if you want a list I can mail it too you of music that has a positive message or at least a soulful message can help you.

The body/ Lets talk quickly about this let me put it too you this way if it comes from the ground and is not processed and is natural it will help you. Help keep you alive and well. Fruit/Grains/Vegtables/ Nuts/Seeds
are the only thing you should be eating/ best if you can get organic/cut processed sugar use maple syrup not honey if anything. Food that is full of chemicals and additives will make you moody/depressed/and give you cancer. Drink Soy Milk or Rice Milk replace meat and cheese with soy meat/soy cheese or sustitues made out of rice/tempea etc. Meat these days is so full of chemicals and poison it will kill you. It int like these animals are raised on a farm eating grass. They are more often raised in holding pens feed with a chemical creation to make them grow fast. They feed them hormones to speed up there growth. These hormones are then in the meat and you eat it which is not good for you. Caffeine in moderation is fine/as long as you drink lots of water. Most emotional and moods can be fixed with diet and by going from unnatural foods to natural foods. To learn how to do this go get the Book Fit for Life 1 & 2 invest seven dollars and change your life.

Now exercise is Vital/you need to walk run for at least half an hour everyday if not your energy doesn't move, you need to move. Yoga is also amazing and if done can help you drastically.

Finding balance in your body will then help you quiet your mind. Many of the issues we have can be directly linked to the body. Yet our culture is not pushing that down your throat the truth is the more imbalanced you are the more you need pills/highs/drugs/entertainment so of course they wont tell you most of your problems can be fixed for nothing more then some time and dedication.

Now Lets get to meditation, Learning how to meditate is something I learned through practice and guidance of a few friends. Learning how to quiet your mind is vital. Why? you ask because confusion and distraction is what prevents most of us from really doing anything we are always lost caught up confused or as you say the hamster wheel. To quiet your mind I would say start either by going out to nature somewhere where it is quiet and or in a space like your room. I live in the city so it int so easy. Once you are there sit or lay in a comfortable position close your eyes and focus on your breath. Breathing in and out. You will notice often the mind doesn't want to be still. It will often run in circles. Thing will come up, ideas, dreams, fears, thoughts, emotions, now dont try to fight them just focus on your breath and let them come be aware and let them go.

It takes time and practice it is a practice a never-ending always expanding practice. This helps you be aware. Now if you do this everyday or try for at least 10-30 once or twice a day it will help greatly.

Now once you mind is still, you can listen. It is said God speaks when man is silent. Granted some believe in God some do not, I happen to believe in God but not a systematic kind of God. God is the first creator a source of inspiration and a well of understanding.
The mind will learn knowledge
only a soul can grasp understanding
In order to understand you most hear with the ears see with the eyes but listen with the heart.
Understanding comes from the soul, the soul is the link between God and man: Feeding the soul means opening the channel the door plugging in the plug. This world in its current state is pulling the plugs out. If you are not plugged in if you are not still if your mind isn't quiet you dont hear God. You dont hear your soul. Your soul holds a road map it knows the truth. The so called Spirit of God ( holy spirit) was also and more often called the spirit of truth, that knows all things, and understands all things. Now understanding all things is not possible without understanding. We cannot grasp understanding without our souls. We can have knowledge we can have intelligence but that is not understanding.

Throughout my life, the thing that kept me alive and got me here was listening to my heart. It was tapping into the understanding. The understanding/the soul has always been looking for truth and continued to seek truth. When I find it I apply it. The thirst for truth causes me to search through books, through people through life. By always looking I learn many things. If you are not open to learning to seeking you will learn nothing. Within the world of music/modeling/art/ a world that deals with soul/emotions and creativity finding truth has been the reason I have gone from where I was to where I am. Even though I took a path through the dark and continue to learn from the dark as much as the light. Both light and dark are a part of our world. Both are equally important, dark doesn't mean evil, dark is just as much as a teacher as light. Light can appear dark as much as dark can appear light. So in saying that the truth is the most important thing because without it seeing through the smoke in the mirrors is often difficult if not impossible.

Which brings us back to the soul which is the third eye, the eye that sees all sees what is unseen what is under the surface?

I do not believe in a religion
I believe in God
Yet I have taken time to explore different ways for me to communicate with God, he is everywhere so it doesn't matter. The only thing you have to do to communicate with God is seek truth and open your heart/soul/if you seek you will find. Forget churches (unless you can find a good one) I will try to make a list of books to read------granted the bible is loaded with truths-in fact most of eastern teachings is the bible without God/Christ yet the basic principles are the same. Let go of ego/Dont cling to a worldly idendity/understand we are all one/ we are all connected/ to harm another is too harm yourself/the bible is often misused many (hell fire churches) use it to scare people by using stuff out of context. It is a book of lessons/of parabels/of phabels/of stories within those stores are lessons/
Proverbs is good practical advice/ psalms shows a moody artist and his ups and downs and how he deals with it. David always made me laugh cause he was a sheapard who became a king who was so horny he had a man killed so he could get with his wife. Yet he was still a man after Gods own heart, he also though was about as moody as me one day he is " God life is amazing " the next day "God please let me die" so we know it is ok to have ups and downs and doubts and fears and mess up and so on.

So I say erase all the things you many have had pounded in your head about this God and start fresh look for him in your own way listen with your heart. Most spiritual teachings need to be heard with the soul not the mind. Reality is not tv and suvs it is more then that is you look.

Now as far as getting out of hell
well you can do whatever you want if you learn how to believe in your dreams
dont cling to identities
nor rules
there are no rules
there are no limits
you can do anything you want if your willing to work for it believe in it and have faith and dont give up
its kinda like God helps those who help themselves. If you sit around hating the world and life and dont try to do anything you are not opening the door. Or maybe it is more like if you cant change the world change yourself.

The book the ARTIST WAY is packed full of good insight and guidance
I would check it out
also if you read my journals there is my struggle back and forth for years
and sometimes you only need a mirror so you can see pieces of yourself. That is another thing try to find people who will tell you when your slipping up, who can see under the surface. you need friends who will be honest and real with you and not just tell you what you want to hear.
You also need to learn, what do you want to do? What are you good at? once you decided open yourself up and go and try to learn to understand to explore it to the fullest extent. Do your homework do your research. Knowledge with understanding is unstoppable. Except by a bullet or death or you giving up.
In other words you want to move to New York what is stopping you? only your own perspective and fear and false sense of what you can and cant do.

That is all for the moment
Off to yoga

Jillian

2003-05-08T22:39:00.000-07:00

Thursday May 8th 2003

Sitting in café number two
This is the life
From now on I am taking my work to cafes as much as possible
It is refreshing to get out of the house
As soon as I get a better laptop
Music will be done this way as well

The forced vacation has already enlightened me
I have a camcorder
A new web designer
A staff of photographers
And creative energy to match

The first enlightenedment was simple

Do not cling to an identity
I am not a model
I am not a musician
I am nothing
I am I
I am I
That is all

What is I
I is a soul

Without soul you are mearly an actor a model you are nothing more then a label
Burn the labels labels are what prevent us from changing we get stuck
I was getting stuck I was bringing to base my worth on being a musician
I lost me so then I lost music to find me

I am nothing
Therefore I can be anything
Anything nothing energy all the same

Sex with your eyes open
Connect in the eyes
Connect in the soul
Or else you are just
Connecting with the body
To connect the eyes and the body and the soul is far more powerful then any sex I had before

I feel like I lost my virginity
Everything else was nowhere near what this was---didn’t come close. Its like discovering a whole new world of making love.

We exchange words like cats
I roll out of bed late
Always when I am there
He made me oatmeal

I left and went to practice with Joshua
Music is natural we don’t have to practice it is always in my heart in my head in my throat

Then we walked down Bedford he asked how I did it
Years and years of work

I went to a café I sit have a coffee
I am back in coffee mood
Who is going to blame me?
I feel like it
I will start and stop
Stop and start

Now I am in another café
Creating
Working on
The next phase of life

So I say

Goodnight for the moment

Now I am back
After the train
A cheap salad
And another thought came to mind
The most important thing in this world is love

Nothing else really matters

Your love for each other

And God

But what if you don’t know God?

God knows you

What if you don’t know love?

God knows love

Therefore

Love knows you

Someone said God can’t know me or love me
I cursed him out
I locked him out
I told him I didn’t love him
I don’t believe in God
Or a god
Or anything

God is not a religion
Or a church
Or a system
Or a set of rules
It is in all things
All things have traces
Pieces
The sky the sea life beauty

One big art piece
Life is one big art piece
This is one big art piece
Each moment
Is another bit
Of a masterpiece

The mind is only limited
By our own limitations
Our ideals
Our concepts
Our perceptions
Of god
Of love
Of possibilities
Of truth
Often keep us
From seeing
Anything

We get locked in a box without windows
We turn our back to the door afraid to open it
Afraid to expand our minds
Afraid to let go

I know many who have open minds to sex to drugs to music to life in general to accepting humanity to accepting each other to accepting pain to accepting war anger rage love joy yet when it comes to God the very mention turns them into ice

Yet speaking of God about God to me is as natural as the desirer the need the craving the reality of sex

Yet I can often speak of sex easier to people then God--------this is because of as I said ideals---ideals often created in the early years of life
By people who to me and I may be wrong represented God not as an artist a creator who created us and the world in his own image------which means God in that sense is a vast amazing ever changing energy that can shift forms and can be everywhere in all things at once----no rather they presented God as the one who made life impossible opposed to possible

The present he as the thing that prevents us from pleasure and love and joy opposed to the one who give us love and pleasure creativity and joy
They present him as a man who as soon as you mess up will never forgive you unless you do this or that -------as soon as you break a rule you are SHAMED
They are not of God
They are rather lost just as lost as any child molesting or rapist or murder or thief or hooker or you get it
But they hold themselves higher and put down all the others
They put down there follower
They put down the children
They tell them over and over if you’re not good if you don’t do this do that do all these things God won’t love you and you won’t go to heaven

They lie, they don’t read the books, they don’t listen with there souls, they do it out of ego, out of greed out of fear
You don’t have to go to a building to find God he is all over the place in the bathroom
In the car
In the bar
In the strip club
In your bedroom
And if God really was as bad as everyone makes him out to be
He would have blown the earth up a long time ago
I mean look at what we have done to his art piece
We have filled it will with smoke
We are killing each other
We are selling our souls for cars and machines
We are raping children
Shooting each other
Living for money

I think God is a bit more loving and caring and wanting us to do better then they tell us

So now
Here is the point
Erase all you learned
Erase all the rules
Erase all the things they told you about
Following a set of rules
Or how God doesn’t love sinners
Erase your concept of God

Now
Go outside
Lay on the ground
Silence your mind
And look at the sky
Open your heart
And listen

Start fresh
If you seek truth
You will find it
From within
From under the layers of logic
And the mind
And all the walls
You built
Out of fear and guilt and shame
Break them down

Let go open up find a new way

2003-05-08T09:06:00.000-07:00

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM JIM HUNTER
about a model i have worked with in the past

I have an urgent plea for help for Shade Paine, bondage model extraordinaire. As some of you may or may not have known she has been very sick for the past two years, she was on her death bed twice during this time. She is fairly well recovered from her illness now but due to the nature of her illness and treatment she has been left with staggering medical bills. This crushing debt is taking a toll on her recovery. The stress, worry and anxiety she is now living with because of this debt is sapping her strength, passion and zest for life. Her husband tells me she is dying in front of his eyes.

Shady has been modeling for over 10 years now and has given all of us so much pleasure by sharing her passion, beauty, charm and fantasies. Fetish and bondage modeling is a freelance business with no security, health benefits or insurance. Shady has always been a fun loving, sweet girl filled with life and energy. And I know how badly Shady wants to get back into modeling but until she gains her strength back she is unable to work. If we can help her by lifting the burden of her financial woes I know her recovery will be rapid and she can once again grace us with her unrestrained passions. Here is her website so you can see some of her old work. http://www.shadepaine.com/

I have set up a fundraising system using paypal, and through your generosity, I hope to raise as much money as possible. Please donate what you can. Every penny of your donation will go to Shady.

Please go to http://www.hunterslair.com/shade.htm

As an incentive we have some thank you gifts for those that contribute larger amounts. Please go to the site for more information.

Thank you for your help.

Jim Hunter

2003-05-06T06:52:00.000-07:00

Good morning!

Writing you from gray skies hanging over New York, straight from the bed because I always write from my bed or the window sill, and direct from the heart. Okay, so is that poetic enough?

It is funny because you see everything I am about to write has been within for some time. In fact, it is the same with music. I hear it inside. It bubbles up and then the hardest part is taking the time, energy and dedication to get it all down. In fact, most of my life was like that. I have paintings, books, music, words all inside. It is just getting them out that is the hard part.

Depression, anxiety, fear, worry, pain, being hurt, sorrow, or other negative things often show up and stand between my inspiration and getting it out. So, needless to say, I have spent a good deal of my life trying to learn how to use those things.

There have been times when I would be sitting in front of the computer or painting, and I never saw what I created because I was like a two year old child who someone had kicked across the floor. But I learned not to stop, to keep going, and to keep beating up against the things that tried to prevent me from learning, growing and creating.

Over the last few days I feel like I have a sniper after me. It is like I wake up fine and am going through the day and then all of a sudden, out of the dark comes really really bad memories of really bad things. So then I lose my breath for a second, and then I try to let go and continue moving. Then, out of nowhere will come the words, "You can’t do this. You're not good enough. No one will love you. How can you think you're worth anything?" Again, I continue on and try to let it come and go.

I could dig for the source, but I already know it. It’s funny though because I wake up, I write, I meditate, and I read. I usually spend an hour or so feeding my soul. Then I start the day. During the day, if I get sniped and can't get out, I force myself back to a state of meditation or I go for a walk.

I’ve learned these things increase the more productive I become. As they increase, so does your lack of wanting to do anything spiritual or to meditate, which means you then feed the negative. Then it grows and crushes you.

Although there are other times I will be crushed, sometimes it is because I see things within myself that I did which hurt someone or myself. The realization of the harm it causes to myself or others, the actual realization is what crushes me. Not the action as much as the becoming aware because when you become aware, your eyes are open and having open eyes is not easy. If it was easy, people wouldn’t have to fight to keep it or chose to run from it.

But your eyes are always closed if your soul is in a box in the corner. The only way to be aware is to have it open and to receive. The soul is what brings us understanding. We can read till we are blue in the face. We can go to school. We can have all this knowledge, but without understanding, it is worthless. Understanding comes from one place -- the soul. The mind is logical. It grasps knowledge; it is the interpreter. From the senses, including the soul as well as the knowledge, it interconnects knowledge with life and with experiences, but in order to really understand it all, it is from the soul.

Example: people who get upset all the time over little things. My father was like this. Every little thing made him freak out. I am sure you have or know someone like that. Or, maybe you’re like that yourself. Now, when I say freak out, there are two ways. When I freak out, I tend to isolate myself and take out a knife and start carving away at my own layers because I have learned the problem usually is something I can resolve and if I go around blaming other people and/or getting upset and taking it out on people when, in reality, the reason I am freaking out isn’t the reason I am really freaking out for.

I learned as a little child that those who had nourished souls tended not to freak out as much or at all. If someone hurt them, they would usually see the truth of the matter and in reality the truth of the matter is very simple.

If you malnourish your soul, your entire life will slowly fall apart. Slowly, you will lose your sense of peace. As you lose your sense of peace, you will lose your ability to deal with people, and then the things they do become personal, and it is about them hurting you. As opposed to looking at why? And understanding that maybe it is a multilayered issue. Maybe you did something that caused them to react, or maybe you projected your fear on to that person, or maybe they had a bad day or are caught up or maybe they have a malnourished soul.

99.9 percent of the time it is a malnourished soul that causes harm because if you don’t feed your soul, it goes and looks for other food. This gets dangerous because you are then basing your life -- your interaction -- around something without understanding. You then cling to things, ideas, people, relationships, past, future, pain, love, and sex, whatever.

Trust me, I have a seriously addictive personality. The only reason and way I continue to be able to move forward and have an inner sense of peace is by feeding my soul. If I skip a day or two, it usually means I make a mess somewhere because I wasn’t aware, because I was malnourished. And a malnourished soul is like a hungry man -- it is not pleasant.

So now when I look at people, I see one thing -- the state of the soul. Then one more thing -- is it nourished or not? If not, then how can that be changed? Because nothing else really matters. Drug addictions, eating disorders, greed, self-destructive habits, fear, anxiety will all taper away over time IF you feed the soul.

The problem with modern thought is that is is always trying to cure the symptom as opposed to the disease. The Chinese figured this out a long time ago (The complete book of Chinese Health and Healing by Daniel Reid is a good place to start.) Because look -- if people are unhappy, it has to do with the soul. A man with a calm, peaceful soul will be naked, stripped of everything, and everyone and will still have inner peace. He will still be content.

So the point of this is that if you want to be happy, it starts with your inside. Nothing else will make life okay. If you ignore the soul, it will destroy your life. Then you will become dry, empty and dead. Then you will become like those I see -- soulless, dead eyed zombies saying "feed me money, feed me sex, feed me food, feed me fame, feed me morals, feed me religion, feed me." We all need to eat, but a starved soul is never satisfied.

I'm not saying that I don’t have my days because I do. Those days I forget to feed my soul are the days it goes out and causes trouble.

Next subject: Hell is not a fire pit.

Misconceptions abound about that thanks to twisted perspectives and interpretations used to put fear into people. What you cling to on earth, what you chose on earth, what you do here now, will continue past the present state of reality. What you serve here, you will serve forever. Hell is not some fire pit with demons and God looking down and laughing. Hell will be an eternity of your choosing.

So, let’s say you spend your life trying to make enough money to be happy. Now imagine spending eternity in that state of existence. Granted, if you think about it that would be far worse than any fire because the realization inside is you will never have enough so within there is a murmur that never ends, that leaves you always feling hopeless. Think of it -- what does your heart and mind cling to? What takes you away from your soul? We all have something; now if we chose that and that path, imagine an eternity of it. It’s simple -- your way, or the other way. You choose the path and will continue to. It is a choice. The option is you seek truth, feed your soul and follow that path. Or, you turn off your soul and go the other way.

Sin is another huge misconception that is used to control people. There is only one sin that will cause you to be far from God and that is turning off your soul because it is the connection. It is a choice. Everyone has this theory about sin being stuff like if you drink, smoke, are gay, have sex, and stuff like that. Sin isn’t that at all. Clinging to being a moral person and judging those who aren’t is in the same category as being a coke addict. It's not because it's evil. It's because it causes harm to yourself and others.

God doesn’t care about that stuff. It's not the point. Religion has messed up by making it the point. Most religions have lost sight of the whole point of everything. They focus on the sin and the action; they are blinded by a malnourished soul which causes them to then cling to morality. By clinging to good or bad, they often become judgmental. Then they judge what the eye sees as opposed to looking deeper.

This is why people have such a bad taste in their mouth for anything associated with God, religion and so on. It isn’t God; it is people. It's like this -- does Bush represent your views? No, but he is representing my country. Am I happy about this? No. Do people judge me? Yes. So now think of God like America and Bush like religion. The point is that if you are closed off to God because of religion, it would be like thinking all Americans are evil due to one twisted man.

Now back to the point. The NOW is all that matters. Why? Because the "now" is all we have. What you do now matters because there may never be another moment or another day.

People say, "I will change later." But what if there is never a later. A tornado hits or an earthquake or a bomb. Now here this life, this life is the only life you have. What you do now will continue forever. In the "now," you really only need to try to do one thing in your life -- Nourish your soul.

If you do that, it will care for the rest.

Anyways, I have to go drink my ginger tea and answer a ton of emails.

I'm listening to U2/David Bowie/Enigma this morning.

Okay, here is some stuff in my email box I am sharing:

in perspective, the problems and frustrations we have are minor

we are eating. we are loved. we are healthy. we are smart.

2 and a half billion people starve daily. have no running water. no hope. maybe we always have hope, but for many people, not in their lives. only maybe for the lives of their children, or humanity generally. meanwhile, the world's rich throws away more garbage and even food than the poor have. to them, a bottle, a plastic dish is a valuable to save and reuse. which in a way, makes them rich. if to be rich is not to need, then when our possessions and material things don't have a hold on us, we are richer than when they drive our lives with consumption patterns. i'm not saying it's good to starve. but i'd rather be loved and hungry than stuffed and emotionally starved, i really would. emotional starvation is the condition that drives materialism anyway. as if by getting stuff we fill our emptiness. it doesn't work, so we have to keep stuffing ourselves. and that means greed. which leaves 2 and a half billion people starving.

2003-05-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

Emperor Penguin Recordings News
MAY 2, 2003

Extraordinary Women, Balanced Lives Soundtrack decided to consist of selections from Emperor Penguin Recording's second and fourth releases; Marblemouth_Gasoline and Jillian Ann_Neverland. (Mechanica Monsoon_Fall Into A Pill was also chosen but was dropped from the EPR label, late 2002, and thus - will not appear)

Director and Producer, Cynthia Geary, furious force behind Extraordinary Women, Balanced Lives, single-handedly chose Marblemouth and Jillian Ann for her project's soundtrack. As Geary states, "Marblemouth will provide a slightly more aggressive audio
backdrop while Jillian Ann will give the project a calm and serene feeling where needed."

Geary, most noted for her documentary work, also serves as a Member Judge for NATAS (Emmy®) and is a Voting Member of NARAS (Grammy®). Geary co-directed/co-produced Seeking Heat, a documentary on the international artists of David Byrne's Luaka Bop label, a portion of which was featured on the Sundance Channel's 24 Frame News: In Production. Seeking Heat garnered a Gold Special Jury Prize for Documentary at WorldFest Houston 2001 and three 2001 International Monitor Award nominations for Best Achievement in Documentaries, and is distributed by Discovery Communications, Inc.

This information can also be found on the EPR web site.

Thank you!,
--
Wyatt Perko, Creative Director + A&R
Emperor Penguin Recordings
http://www.emperorpenguinrecordings.com

info@emperorpenguinrecordings.com

2003-05-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

Life is the greatest teacher
Although it can also be one of the harshest teachers
Your feelings, emotions, dreams, are your teachers
You most be aware though to even hear these things

If you are unaware you wont even know how you feel
What your dreams were
Much less hear what God, the universe, the higherself, your inner self is trying to say:

In many ways our culture has done a very good job at making this very difficult: In a society where spirituality is left in the closet and by most religions considered too abstract and by most non-religious people unrealistic.

I have had many friends who either were atheist, agnostic, or didn’t believe we had souls: Granted most of them over the years have changed there minds. But the only reason they changed there minds was life taught them.

Its easy for me too gets pulled away: although I am very aware so when I get pulled away I my entire soul starts screaming. Most people can turn it off, because they keep it off most of the time. It is more painful for it too is on then off so they keep it off. They shut it up by not listening. By ignoring it by shoving it in the closet.

If you abuse someone or something they are going to go away or at least not come around too be abused that much the soul is the same way if you ignore it abuse it don’t feed it will become weak.

This is why it is so painful for so many to be awake, or to awaken. The pain is just like the pain of understanding you hurt yourself and others. It is the understanding that is painful. If you aren’t aware and you don’t understand it isn’t so painful.

So just as in the current state of the world if we are unaware if we don’t understand it is easier because with understanding comes the feeling the desire with understanding comes compassion and empathy.

Growing up my best friend used to say “ all people are stupid, I hate them” for the longest time compassion was something we argued on. I would cry for humanity, I would call him at three am sobbing on the floor, and when he asked why I was crying I would tell him how I felt everyone’s pain, I felt the starving children, I felt the women being beat, I felt the people being raped, killed, outcast, I felt pain. I couldn’t and too this day can’t watch TV or movies that bring all of that to the table without feeling huge rushes of pain, and it isn’t mine, it is like I am just absorbing what is going on in the world. Granted when I was younger this caused me a ton of torment, because to me I was aware but what was I supposed to do with this awareness. He may have not had compassion towards humanity in general but he had compassion for me. Why? I do not know, because we loved each other because we connected, because he saw we were the same.

For years he used to think I was crazy for crying over the world for he would find me curled up on the floor in the dark. I would be mourning, not for me, but it was more like living plugged into the world, and being aware of all the beauty but also being aware of all the pain. He learned that was a part of me, a part of who I was and my awareness to these things also gives me the ability to be aware of many other things. Without my awareness, or my live wire, the ability to create, to give back would most likely be slim to none.

Then his life which had been almost perfect was ripped to shreds, he lost everything he loved, all his security and then I was the only one left or so it seemed to him at the time. So he moved to New York and we created beta, during the process he had an awakening.
I remember when it happened, he came home and I felt it. “I understand he said”
Yes…I listened
“We are all connected, there pain is my pain, there sorrow is my sorrow, there hopelessness is my hopelessness, and we are all one”
From there on out his life changed, for he began to understand compassion and empathy, which caused him to change his life. He has been called a shaman a few times by many I speak to since he returned to Atlanta.

What happened? His heart opened and he no longer ignored it when someone reached out a hand or needed help or nurturing or support.

I was walking around a bit torn over my life, I know the direction I am going, and I know it is where I need to be. Yet to go there I have to give up something’s. Yet to not go there would cause me to go against my soul which means I would have a screaming child inside who does not like to be ignored.

Yet I have my fears, the last time I went out to do this, I got my share of counteraction. Enough to drive me into isolation to recover reflect and learn. Now I have to go back out. This time I am a bit more educated, prepared, and have learned the rules of survival. So this time I know the chances of things repeating them are a possibility but that is a risk in life.

I lay in the park on the grass, listening. To my heart,
“The fear is trying to hold you back and keep you from going out there”
“Love is stronger then anything”
“Nothing will happen you won’t be able to deal with”

Open up and get to work

so then as a reinforcement to the command to not sit around and hide in isolation over the last week or so my dreams, and even day dreams have been like watching the news only it is the un-edited version.

Which usually causes me to write music?
But the midi port to my triton broke and so here I was plugged into the world and usually that drives me to create, because it is something I can give back it is I suppose my way of doing something.

So anyways
Now this morning I was listening and it said, do not complain,
Ouch
Ok your right
So I know I was removed from my channels for a reason, maybe the reason was because I also am driven to the point of working 18 hour days and not stopping
I push myself till I burn out and crash
But I push myself because it pushes me
It’s always there

Although the inside says I have to rest too
Rest
It is hard for me to rest
Because it is always there it is like a never ending little force of electricity that pours inside. I am learning though, learning that if I lay down in a park
Or go to a book store
Or lie on the ground and listen to music
Or spend time with people
That the current just applies itself to whatever environment I am in or sometimes it just is calm.

It is funny I always had a huge amount of energy, creative energy. So looking back over my soul mates, they are usually water or earth signs,

Anyways
Now I am back to normal
The lessons have been learned

The first one is
If you have a calling follow it and you will find peace in your life because if you follow your true calling your soul will be calm

You see for me if I even think about going away from my calling it causes my soul to be disturbed, so I rarely get to the action part.

The second is try not to complain
Once again for me these are more mental battles, for you will be provided with all you need, if you complain it means you are wanting, and wanting means your not accepting, and to be unhappy and not satisfied with life is something that has to be changed by you, so therefore complaining does nothing except continue to drag you down

The third do not let worry consume you

Its hard too, things go wrong, ( your keyboard breaks, they don’t have DSL and you run a website) so what do you do let go and look for a solution change it if it is out of your control it is happening for a reason
Most anger comes from people who worry, stress out, and then explode
So as parents, lovers, teachers, when you worry, let go don’t stress then if you do that if we all did that there would be less tension less anger less hate less drama more peace

The fourth don’t let doubt consume you

Doubt leads to fear, doubt also is like feeding a negative energy, the more you feed it the stronger it gets, if you are always doubting you are opening a door to that fear that negative energy
Life comes
Life goes
Doubt is just a friend of fear, doubt is trying to sabotage the good things, like, love hope, dreams aspirations

We are all going to worry to doubt to fear
That is a part of life
If you are aware though you let it come, let it rise up, see it learn from it and let it go and continue moving growing

If you cling it will destroy you, or prevent you from moving forward.

If you are on the path these things will be rocks in the road, you will see them, you may stub your toe, and you may even have one fall and hit your head or knock you down
But it doesn’t mean you stop moving, it doesn’t mean you give up, the pain will come
The pain will go
Pain is always there, but so is love,

“The spirit of a man will sustain him in sickness and weakness, but who can bear a broken spirit”

Ok that is all now I am going back to creating and reading and learning

jillian

2003-05-03T17:50:00.000-07:00

there
is always
ways
to expand
your reality
like exploring
the world
go outside
take a walk
go buy a cd you never heard before
go read a book you never read

there is so much in the world
we never see because we get stuck in circles
expand the circle
explore the world
it will make life
richer
fuller

do something your afraid of
do what you fear the most
afriad to sing
sing
afraid to say i love you
say it
afraid to do something
diffrent
wear something that makes you look like a peacock
on acid

afraid to believe
to let go
to jump

do it
you wont regret it
the only thing you will regret in life
is all the things
your heart told you to do that you ignored

inside we all have a voice
given to us
it is the roadmap to a rich full life
most of us ignore it
because the voice will often tell us to do things that we are afraid of
it will push us to our full potential
reaching that full potenital takes a life time
of listening
i am pinching mittens's nipples..

we went walking around
it is a beautiful day in new york
or as he would say
one of those days when your just glad your alive
sunny
green trees
soft breeze
coffee
long talks
of dreams and aspirations
inspiration and ideas
lessons learned and lessons to learn

exploring new york with him is an adventure
past the euro trash cafes on broadway
all the models and boys in expensive suites

into the recordstores filled with music from europe
recorded live
stolen
italy has no copyright rules

then back to a cafe
for another cup of coffee

new music of the day " the the" album " dusk"

love is stronger then death----------

and

if you cant change the world change yourself---------

thats something i learned a few years ago
tormented by the realization i couldent change the world
but i could change myself
and i think that is something
we could all do
and if all of us did that
then maybe it would change the world

but the world is made of indiviuals
like me and you and everyone else
and we cant make someone change
we can only change ourselves

which brings me back to the inner voice
we all have a calling
we all have a gift
everyone has it

i was having a conversation with rob about his kid, and about finding the kids gift
and nurturing it
by nurturing the gift
it helps the child
or anyone
move forward
because in reality the reason most of us fall are depressed or feel worthless is because we fell we arent good enough or dont have anything to give
so the inner voice
will usual
push you
pull you
drag you
teach you
and show you
the path
but you have to listen

1-2-3-
breath
dig
listen

----------------------------------------------
so now that is my thoughts for the moment
on deep stuff------
so now lets talk about sex
soul
sex
sex
soul
love
life
death
birth
-----------------
so this morning
i laid in bed
wrapped around
intangeled
intertwined
we didnt go to sleep till 6 am
----------
we were both working-----both inspired-----life moves forward----we flow with it----
life is like a river -- you just have to let go and flow with it
----------
like sex, you just have to open up and let go-------if you dont
you may as well use your hand
----------
anyways
thats my thoughts for the moment

i suppose

jillian

2003-05-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

the only guidance was the drug dealers who got caught in greed and destroyed the scene.

Because no one educated the children on the reality of doing drugs with music. no one told them that if you take too much, it will kill you. No one stood up and said, "okay, so here is how we do it." The promoters didn't try to control the drugs in a safe way; they only controlled them to make money. E alone if it had been given to children with education on how to use it, (like don't use it more than, use it with, remember that you're going to be open and become vulnerable, after using it take 5htp to restore your levels of serotonin so you don't crash) and on and on, then countless lives could have been saved.

So now there is a door for a new scene. The timing is correct because, well, the old one is dead. The rave world is filled with bad drugs and bad music now because it was all done, all done well. And guess what? There isn't anywhere left to go.

So back to Europe where it is brewing. IDM was nothing. it was an idea. then, as usual, people like us push it. where could it go? and with technology advancing, we found it.

Live time, it's about music with soul again. it is about raw emotion. it is about an orchestra of musicians who have found a new music, a new music in combination with visuals to create an experience that you feel and see. Drugs won't be required because what is to come will be the combination of visual and emotional. Granted, I don'¦t know how much dancing will be going on. some, yes, of course, but it will be more like how raves were at 3 AM when half the people were talking in circles and the other half were dancing. it didn't matter.

The rave scene was the closest thing to reaching higher around. As usual, it got destroyed, but it served its purpose. Music lifts the soul and connects it to heaven. there are thousands of people looking to connect, and for whome religion (or at least organized religion) has turned off, who are searching.

So think of this: 2 billion people make less than a dollar a day. Be thankful for what you have. We have more than most. We are very blessed. Those people may have more of a soul than us though, so maybe we should remember that It isn't all about money because money isn't real. I mean do you know how in debt America is?

So if my writings are scarce, it is because I am working. Because I have something to deliver. It's like having a baby. It's growing and I just have to keep eating and sleeping and taking care of my soul.

Speaking of which, I had a strange experience two nights ago. I have had them a few times in my life -- these bizarre out of body experiences. I never try; they just happen. I call it education. it's like something far greater than me reaches down, rips me out and takes me outside of my world, out of the comfort of the things I know. I went and I was taken to the far corners of the world and I was shown the things people don't see. The things they won't put on TV. the things that are going on across the world. The state of humanity was brought to my bedside. The news is only telling you a small truth. You see the spirit, the soul, if you open; you can connect, can be connected to a timeless state of existence. The soul is the wire between God and man. Most people have cut the wire. I have spent my entire life protecting it.

God's way doesn't make sense. ask my mother. you see, I always told her that you just have to have faith and it will all make sense in the end. Because in reality, it is the truth. Sometimes things happen, sometimes they don't make sense. Some of my friends have been freaking out a lot, worrying, stressing, and I see it. But you see, I learned a long time ago that things all happen for a reason. God and I started a dialog when I was a wee child, but God spoke to me through music, trees, art, and in meditation. I read the Bible to get to know God better. I never trusted the interpretation of religion because they always were twisting things, which makes me want to break things. You see, if you read and study what God left behind, you'll learn real fast that most religious systems have polluted and altered the message and the truth and turned it into a way to control you.

But you see most people don't study it on their own or search. they just accept. I always search. I always try to rip things apart.
I did it with God and religion. But I got to know God over years of seeing him work in my life and around me. Or by watchng the world bend. God's not happy with the way He is being represented.

So anyways back to worrying. I learned that everything that happened, happened for a reason. Life had its course and I was just on a ride. That is when I let go and then it all changed. it didn't matter what happened. when bad things happened, I knew they happened for a reason. It didn't mean it was painless; it didn't mean I didn't cry or hurt. I just knew that in the end, it would all make sense and that gave me hope and that hope kept me and continues to keep me striving, fighting and not dying. But, in order to experience the freedom of that you have, you have to let go and, as someone told me, give the wheel over to God. we often want to try to control our lives. we think we are in control but we aren't. We have the ability to choose. Letting go allows you to reach your full potential because you're open to seeing with your soul. For the soul brings wisdom and understanding that is limitless and timeless. Logic takes it and applies it to the world.

Without understanding from the soul, you can be the most educated, logical person and yet you will be unhappy and always struggling. You're always struggling and unhappy because you are trying to control the world and you can't. So, when you feel like you're losing grip, let go and don't be afraid to fall, or feel pain, or sorrow, or joy. life is full of ups and downs. that's what makes it beautiful.

I sit writing to you from a beautiful place which was given to me. Looking at a beautiful sky which was given to me. In a beautiful world which was given to me. With a body that feels and enjoys and which was given to me. With the ability to understand which was given to me. Creating music art and other things. And that gift was given to me too. I sit here and I look around and all I have
was given to me. And I have all I need. And I sleep in peace, except when I am being educated through dreams and visions. And peace is happiness and happiness is peace.

It doesn't mean I don't hurt or fall or cry or get depressed. I do. But even those things are given to me to make my life fuller, richer. And these things aren't just for me.

Music of the day: Required. and I want reviews.

My advice is to listen lying on the floor with headphones. Treat it like a precious gift. Let it fill you and lift you. Close your eyes. Let it take you away and connect you

2003-04-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

listen

life will teach you

everyday

open up

make your mind stop
being on a hamster wheel

and then you will hear

the soul

which is a very good teacher

i am sleepy
long day
wonderful evening

more on that soon enough

too tierd to type
without coffee

2003-04-27T09:09:00.000-07:00

the morning comes
last night my computer became possessed
it refused to translate
my music

so this morning i had it out with the machine

you know they are making chips
that will be able to translate our thoughts
to a machine

great just what we need so when some freak wants to take over the world
he can sit in his living room and send machines out to do all the work
oh wait
the machine already are doing the work
i almost forgot

the can make the machines out of all the metal left over from all the suvs and cars
that are going to be worthless in less then 12 years

i doubt they will refund you for the investment that will be deemed worthless

you know france has bought the largest amount of water
which isnt good
because we just boycotted them
so in the future when we need botteled water
cause there isnt going to be as much water
they will be the ones smiling

i have friends in france
i can barter modeling for shipments of safe water

also the smart card is being used in maylasia
funny everyone told me
" you know jillian they wont ever put chips in everyone, cause the third world countries wont do it"
well ummmmmmm i will beg to differ
the third world countries all want to be like us or better they will do anything if it is cool
cool what a word
once upon a time i wanted to be cool......now what people think is cool to me seems heartless souless and so i would rather be

a tecnological geek who drinks green tea and who wears the same clothing i did when i was 15

and this SARS thing
come on
ok look if it breaks out in Korea next
I wont say anything
but lets see

how many people die from cancer from all the mass produced fat suger carb combinations
which they constently fill our eyes with
telling us it is GOOD
lets see allot more then SARS
but no one says anything about the fact that kids in school are feed
stuff which turns them into fat hyper active moody children
but wait
then they put the kids on drugs
and put them in front of a tv
and give them suger
and then more
drugs
and tv
and video games
suger
tv
video
games
and then parents wonder why there kids are mis behaving

stick a rat in a cage
with radiation
feed it suger
and fat
and see what happens

but no one says anything about the fact there are thousands
and thousands of children
being turned into little drug addicts

" its legal"
ok yes it is but does it make it good,
then people wonder why there kids are addicted to drugs
like cocain,pot,meth,latter on in life
its so easy to see
yet for some strange reason
i am the freak for thinking
that stuffing little children full of junk food and tv and video games is wrong

a little sugar cool
a little tv is good
videos games for an hour a day
ok fine
harmless

but all day
thats it
come on
but wait
mommy is watching
soaps
and game shows
and talk shows
and daddy
is downloading porn
and they only talk
when something breaks

hello welcome to the year 2003
we are offically
plugged into machines.

its amazing
its like no one notices how much the human race has changed

now i love machines
but they work for me
i am there boss
they do what i want
i dont do what most do
i use them
all of them
i take care of them
but they are my slaves
i will not be theres

machines can make you do many things
you couldent do
the problem is
most people are used by machines
and dont use them

i have three machines
they all work for me
by the end of the year i may have five
people say how do you do it all
i know my machines

you see through tecnology
machines have given me the ability
to use them as an extension of my soul
as wack as it may sound that is all they are to me
a channel
a way for my soul to speak through words through images
through art through music

machines and i get along for the most part
i learn programms pretty fast

i was lucky
being honeschooled allowed me endless hours to learn whatever i wanted and so i learned what i needed to know to do what i wanted to do oppossed to being forced to learn who the fifty presidents were, who cares it is all in the past i mean really how does that help you in life?

so now with tecnology i can hear anything from anyone, I have acsess to thousands of songs, with tecnology we are no longer forced to listen to crap look at crap or buy crap yet most people arent catching on to it yet.......wake up silly boys and girls there is more out there then 50 cent, which I have to say just shows how retarded most people are. I walk through the projects and hear it everyday,
i walk up 5th avenue and hear it
and everytime i hear it it makes me sad
i dont understand an industry that puts out crap
over and over and over

' PEOPLE WANT IT"
people dont know what they want, YOU TELL THEM they will buy anything dont you get it..........I wish someone in the music industry woud use there power to try to change things to try to make a diffrence to try to put music with some meaning and soul, I mean your teaching all these kids to go around and do drugs, and treat women like objects and live and die for cars and houses,
I am glad COLDPLAY IS doing so well IT SHOULD IT HAS SOUL, people want SOUL but they dont know how to get it they buy what you tell them to....

you know its balance
an hour of tv a day or a good movie is one thing
One word about news
CNN AND FOX NEWS LIE
it is now becoming a populer bummper sticker in atlanta
beware if you put it on your car
you will be pulled over twice as much
so what about our bill of rights
oh wait it only is if you arent a _____________
and since anyone can be one now
i suppose
it is all subject to perspective
great

just like religion
i meet a director
we talked about religion
he said he is agnostic
i said i believe in God
he said if there was a God why is the world a mess
I said look at the trees and the sky and the ocean
it was beautiful
we mess it us

if God was a big mean bully
the sky would have fallen
a long time ago
cause I'll tell you something
he cant be to thrilled with the way we treat each other these days
but whatever
he sees the world the way he does
i see it the way i do

but we are the same
we are in this place together
who cares
about stuff like if your catholic
or buddist

i went to a place of meditation
there was a school of children there
the teacher told the little boy to sit for a second
he looked at her and said i am catholic

the point is the seperation
the bible states clearly the church WAS NOT to BE DIVIDED
but it also said anywhere there are two or more in my name it is a church in a way
and it also said we are all the same
and to love our brother our neigbor all humanity
as ourselves
yet somehow the leaders seem to have to forgotten that

they bent it
" love everyone as long as they are like you or do wat you want"
but if they worship in a diffrent way
or have a diffrent name for God they are evil
i dont know but i think the real evil
is making that judgement

there was a man named hitler
who decided his way was the best way
the only way
and people believed him
and because of it
lives were slaughtered

there is a movement of music coming out of Germeny
if you have time go to soul seek
www.slsk.org
download it
donate five bucks
send me an email
i am going to give you new music everyday if you want it
the first thing to check out is LOVEBOMB
do me a favor if you get this music
to listen to it
WEAR HEADPHONES lay done
and close your eyes
this music will show you what is really going on over there
that our media wont show you
or me or us
this music is the cry of reality from the otherside of the world.

it made me cry
it also opened my eyes

you see the german people have seen the mass destruction that can happen when people go around saying groups of people are evil
they have seen the horror
the pain

they dont want to see it again
the music says
more then i can

--------------
-
-
-
the movement is spreading
its happening in atlanta
happening here
slowly
people are coming out and saying
we are sick of it all
we want a better way
we will make our own scene
our own music
our own media
cause the populer media is so utterly shallow these days
-----------
-
-
the matrix is an example of something WORTHWHILE
go check out the site
look at the aniMATRIX
it rocks

ok
here is a bit to think about

THERE IS NO MUST IN ART BECAUSE ART IS FREE

2003-04-24T18:42:00.000-07:00

life is like notes

you have so many options

thoughts are like notes

it would be dull if you only heard one note
over
and over
yet
we often get obsessed
consumed
thoughts
tie strings around or mind
and keep us
from all the other notes
all the other options

i am worn out
tierd
i ran around
in circles
up the stairs
down the stairs
to 5th avenue
to be told I have to cut my hair cause i made the mistake
of not taking care of it
back home
wrote a song
a strange pretty insane song
then back to the city
i can almost hit the highest note on the keys
then to the gym
then back on the train
reading about meditation
that and the beat movement
as well as the artist way
and some musician magizines

went to the grocery store
there are lots of artist around here
wondered around spent ten minmutes trying to decided between soy ginger or tahini dressing

talked to God
waited in line
counted the people who said hello to me today
at least 25 active day in new york
its funny
they say hello and have a nice day
strangers
they smile
wave
is this normal
did i take acid and forget

i got lost wondered around found a house of glass
amazing
insane
beautiful

back to the grocery store
got spinich
carrots
apples
ornges
soy milk
tofu
and dressing
yes
the usual

as i walked home
i love home
it is home
so home
it is always peaceful
i love it here
walking from the store
i see the sunset over the city
and it is beautiful
everyday
it is beautiful
and i love looking at the paintings in the sky
it is one big canvas
we forget the sky
we forget to smile
we forget life
we get caught up on one note
and it is usually a bad one
now i try to see that note and stay aware so when i start to get caught i stop

super was outside loading boxes
i stoped to talk
we talked about the war
music
life
working hard
playing hard
i sat on the ground
worn out
tierd

then here i am back in my coccon
my little peace of heaven
it is always peaceful here

i called a director
who got my number from a friend of a friend of a friend
about some film
it is a comedy
i will read the script
you never know it could be good

made a salad
and a soy shake
and now
my head hurts
i am worn out
i am about to pass out

i didnt do vocals to the song
i wanted to but i dont have the energy

i miss mittens
i know he is around
on the otherside

strange dreams
bleed into my reality
the reality
is now
this moment
as i type
when you read it
it will be past
just as all you read
and i am moving ahead

i jump
again
the doors open
i take a step
more is shown to me
i understand more then before
but will never understand
it all
but then again
what is the need
just be here
now
and let life
teach you

dont get stuck
on the same note

2003-04-23T23:04:00.000-07:00

today i woke up

not enough sleep
i am working trying to finish
many
things
so many
things
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i am a geek
i have a computer in my bed
and an external hard drive
they work while i sleep

new agency
long story
many things to do
music
shoots
music
practice
music
learn
read
build a website
write
research
arrange
meetings

so many things to say
but i said them allready

to my art
to my piano
to my computer
to my thearpist
so much to converse

lets start here
think about this

music
creates and envoriment
music is suppossed to reflect a culture
our music hasent changed in many years
why?
there is tons
huge amounts
of amazing music out there
why?
are we being forced to listen to the same song
over and over
why?
there are thousands of amazing artist out there
the music industry brings us 50 cent and one maybe two other pop stars
i hear it over and over
" thats what people want"
that because they are conditioned
to want that because they have no other choice

yes land of the free
you chose pepsi or coke
mcdonalds or taco bell

yes land of the brave
i wont even say anything

brave we are a bunch of babies who wont even try new food or music for crying out loud
why?

i am listening to all this amazing music
allot of it is from germany
allot of it is talking about us
and what we are doing to the rest of the world
and the pain it is causing

yet here we only here how GOOD we are
or at least thats what the tv says
and it dosent lie does it?

you know my friend mikey in atlanta a fellow musician artist visionary
put a sticker on his car that said FOX NEWS AND CNN LIE
ever since then he is always getting pulled over or hasseled
why? dont we have freedom of speech

well we did until just about
well never mind
in fact lets forget all about it
lets just focus on a new car
yes a huge big suv
so we can be hip
we all want to be hip
we all want to be like the hip people we see on tv
and they all drive suvs

yes lets buy one
and then if everyone in america buys one
we can use twice as much gas
yes so we will run out of gas in 7 years instead of five

so now i wonder what they are going to do with the millions of new cars that in a few years arent going to have any gas

maybe we can make big art metal sculptures because there will be little else to use them for

we could be like europe and have small cars but no we want to use all the worlds resources up faster we dont care about the world the children will live in we only care about here and now

granted being in the now is importent

which brings me back to music
why are we still in the music of then
not now

the music from germany
and other countrys reflects the true state of the world
and it makes you feel
it takes you there
you hear the truth through it
it is a wittness
we forgot
what happened
the last time
one man tried to play mr. police man
they havent
it is too close to home
so to speak

music is there messager

if you want to help the world
it is little things
like really listening
like only taking what you need
like walking
like not wasting food
or water

its about living
not living to consume

2003-04-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

some days you try to do something and no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to do it.

Or you lose something and no matter how hard you try to find it, you can’t.

Many people lose it when they try to do something and they can’t. Alternatively, they lose something and they cannot find it or they do something and mess something up. Or, they break something.

All these things are often the things that cause people to lose control. The smallest thing takes possession of our mind and it consumes us.

Earlier on Wednesday I was fighting with my computers. I have been fighting since I moved.
I am usually pretty good about learning how things work and being able to solve problems. In this case, I am dealing with a million different possibilities and I do not know how to narrow it down. David gave me a crash course in production. However, the focus of the crash course was not how to set up the studio and make sure everything was proper. The crash course, rather, was in how to program -- how to use software, how to record, how to lay down tracks, how to take ideas in my head and make them sound 101.

So I have used what he taught me. I had pushed my computer. I have learned every effect, every plug in. I have spent hours making noise and that is all I would consider most of it (pretty or not) for learning. Now, while making my noise, I discovered people liked it so I, as always, said, “Screw perfection.” There is no such thing in music because music is not about perfection but it is about expression and I have been putting my mad scientist experiments out there.

However, I began to make things, which I know are good. Not perfect, but good. I had created four or five songs that had stories. They were strange, beautiful, and powerful. I was doing well. You have not heard them. No one has because they are on the hard drive and I want to release a huge body of work at once. Therefore, I was excited about my progress. Then I moved and I spent days trying to get the system back to usual and no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t.

So then, I was feeling a mixture of emotions. Part of me was sad because not being able to write music is like pulling a pacifier out of my mouth. Then I was feeling anger at the fact that I was not smart enough. I was sitting there and these feelings were starting to hurt so I went and sat down in the middle of my floor and meditated.

After I cleared my mind, I let go of my emotions, I picked up the phone, and I called Atlanta,
“David, I need a lesson.”

David is my teacher when it comes to music production, sound engineering, the how to and insides and out of creating music from start to finish. He has spent his entire life doing nothing but learning every detail every tool, every program, ever trick. He is on the cutting edge. He is aware of things that half of the record industry still has no clue exist. He has spent years becoming part of the underground that is controlling what you hear five years later. Most of the music industry is five years behind the cutting edge because the true cutting edge is buried below. He is in the deep below.

So then, it was a done deal. He would be coming here in less than two days with all of the new tools, all of the things which can make music sound so amazing, so interesting, and so unreal.

He and I are, in ways, like Picasso and Matisse. We have always been each other’s competition, in a healthy way. We push each other; we both learn and then teach each other. We often learn completely different things. He spent three months learning physics; I spent three months learning how to feed and nurture the body inside out. Then we meet and pour as much information as we can into each other’s heads.

So he is coming and I will spend 72 hours being taught, learning, so that I can move ahead musically as an artist, as a producer, as a musician.

After I knew he was coming, I wrote several small instrumental pieces. I am spoiled. I love creating new sounds. The midi banks are boring to me mainly because every sound I have heard before. I truly enjoy creating sounds I know no one else has made. “How do you know?” Because I am taking things that are unique and making sounds out of them. Which cannot be recreated easily or at all.

Now let us look at the lesson: I could have wasted my energy on being mad and upset. However, because I stopped and meditated, I accepted my feelings and rather than letting them destroy me, I said, “So, what can I do to change it?”

After that I called my friends and invited them over. They are alike in some ways and all different in others. All of them are important to me. It was nice to be able to interconnect them. I like creating things. Sometimes my creations are me putting people together so they can create or me giving people ideas because I have too many ideas to do alone. Therefore, I give them to others. We had dinner and we all left with more ideas and inspiration than I think we had before.

There is a lot of pain floating around lately. I catch it and I am learning that I have to let it go. It isn’t mine; it is others’ but I tend to internalize things. This can be a good tool, for it gives me compassion yet I cant let it consume me.

Let it go. Let it come. Let it go.

Emotions come. Feel them, understand them, and let them go.

So then taking the train, I went to see mittens. I walked in and it had been too long since I meditated, since I calmed my mind. My mind was dot connecting. As I absorbed information, my mind applies it almost as quickly as possible to as many areas of my current life and, possibly, my future as well. It is hard though because once I understand it, I should move on and sometimes it is hard. It becomes like gerbils running a race in my head. So I arrived and I went to meditate. I had to because I had picked up so many feelings and emotions as well as ideas and information from all the people I had interacted with that I had to go and clear my head and heart so I could be here in the present and not all intertwined in a million other places and times, lives and stories.

I could go on about the events of the evening, but, needless to say, this is getting too long already

The next day, we woke up. He was taking me somewhere -- the second part of my birthday present. We had our tea and fruit and then went to the subway. When we do things, it is always an adventure. The fact you can share things makes life more of an adventure. We arrived in Queens. I like the way Queens looks; it looks industrial. It is not run down enough. I like industrial areas that have character, that look worn and used, like Detroit. We go inside. He took me to see Picasso and Matisse.

That is a good gift. It is a gift you can share, a gift of inspiration, a gift that will last. It is a memory, it is an adventure, it is a journey into another world. The art is amazing and it reminded me of how much I loved to paint. My grandmother was a painter. I had the ability and the capacity to do it, but the paint brushes and canvas have been dormant for years. Seeing the work of Picasso and Matisse inspired me to pick up my brushes and find some canvas and paints.

Why not? What is stopping me? Walking around hand in hand through an exhibit of beautiful paintings was a beautiful experience. To be able to share that with someone is a beautiful thing. The memories from that day are going into the precious and beautiful memory compartment of my heart.

Then we went back downtown so we could go back uptown. I was taken to have Passover dinner with some of his family. A very enjoyable experience on which I could write an entire book because, I suppose, there were a million small lessons within an evening.

I truly enjoy people and being around them. People are amazing, lives are amazing, the way we are all so very different, yet so very much the same, is amazing.

Back downtown again. Then we sat in his room and the doors opened. I love it when doors open.

Most of the time in our lives there are things we wish we could say or want to say but are afraid to say. Because they are not easy things. When you see something in someone else, that is holding him or her back or hurting him or her or wearing him or her down, it is hard sometimes to bring it up. Often, what destroys many relationships is the simple fact that there is something the other person is doing or carrying or avoiding that you see and you see it hurting them or it is hurting you, or just annoying you, but you do not say anything because you do not want to hurt their feelings or risk them getting upset. Therefore, you do not say anything and then it becomes like an infection and it spreads. The next thing you know, you do not want to see them or talk to them or be around them and you close off. Then the other people close off and then you end up with two people who are together but who are dead to each other. Eventually, someone blows up; someone cries; someone runs away; someone lashes out. Then many times things fall apart.
There is a proverb: Faithful are the wounds of a friend but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

That means a lot to me. Anyone who really cares about me will be willing to wound me, to tear down my walls, to tell me if I am on the wrong path or am doing something that is causing harm to me. I have no respect for anyone who flatters me, who tells me my wrongs are okay because this or that happened. In fact, it plain out right annoys me. I only respect people like mittens, like David, who will call me out, not anyone unwilling to speak the truth to me. Someone who does is a real friend.

Mittens opened up something and the walls came down.

I do not like walls. It is difficult not to create them though; it is a continual process. The process of being aware because if you are truly aware of your feelings, your body, your thoughts, if you are really plugged in, those walls don’t exist long because you catch them before they lock you in.

That is all for awhile.

J

2003-04-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

April Tuesday the 11th 10:28 am

I adore living by myself the freedom it gives me is amazing. I have learned a lesson, I can only live with either someone I love or alone. Living with roommates makes me go into my shell. Why? Because often what I do makes little sense to anyone till after I am done doing it. People looking inside from the outside without knowing me find it easy to judge me. I can feel when someone is judging me, looking down on me or what I am doing or thinks I am doing bad things.
Or I have Bad friends, just because my friends have blue hair or do porn or are fetish models or are old or are loud or appear to be dark. Dosent make them BAD in fact most of the time these people are my friends because they are honest, deep, loving.
It was my friend with the blue hair who helped me move and who calls me when he finds fax machines on the street. It was my friend who looks like a vampire who made sure I kept my feet on the right path.
Apperances can be deceiving, judging a book by its cover is just as bad as doing a porn movie.
Yet its easy to look down on people who are open about there lives. Its easy to condeme people when you think they are dangerous.
When they make you uncomfortable.

It takes allot to make me uncomfortable, in fact as I told my friends on the phone
“ you can tell me anything I have heard and seen it all” and its true. You had sex with your sisters boyfriend, you had an abortion, your addicted to cocain, you’re a stripper, you are a compulsive liar, you want to kill people, you do porn, you attempted suicide, you were raped, you were molested, you were abused as a child, your boyfriend hits you, your girlfriend cheated on you, you are an achoholic, you are a bulimic, you have eating disorders, you ran over a puppy, you killed an ant, you like to talk about people behind there backs, you don’t believe in God, you are addicted to video games, you are addicted to strippers, your addicted to gambeling, you are addicted to one night stands, you are addicted to money, you like men, you like women, you like women and men, you like to dress like a girl, you used to be a girl, you want to be a boy and you’re a girl, your mother was a call girl, you’re a call girl, you were a priest, you lost your virginity, you took someone elses, you like bon bons and jenny jones, you are obsessed with being thin, you have a sex addiction, you are a nympo, you like having sex in churchs and public places, you burned down a church, you were a leader of a church and had sex with someone in the church, you were a minister and cheated on your wife, you are a priest and buy porn, you are a drug dealer, you do drugs, you like to sleep late and not work, you like to pick on people, you put people down, you like eating mcdonalds and drink coke, you like to do nothing but eat, you are addicted to self help groups, you like wearing makeup and short skirts and making men or women come after you just so you can turn them away, you like messing with peoples minds, you like controlling people with power,
you like having sex with elephants.

You get the point
Now when you see someone who is one of the above or does one of the above it is easy for us to say “ well we are better then them because we don’t or haven’t done ______ so therefore I am a better human “ so we put them down to make us feel better.
Why do we do this? Because frankly we know we do are not better and frankly people are mirrors.

Mirrors we all reflect one another, perfect example in the subway no one will look you in the eye because when we see each other through the open eyes, if our heart is open we will feel something we will find something. It may not be pretty. In the Subways of New York there are many types of people but we are all the same it is easy to look down on each other but we are all in this together. I have lived on the A train and the L train the A train is mostly people from Brooklyn, the A train is known as a rough train, I like the A train because people there tend to be more raw, more real, people who don’t have anything don’t have anything to lose therefore there concern is not if you are hip enough but if they will have dinner or if there lover is ok. The L train is too hip these days, full of hipsters looking hip acting hip.

Hipsters who look at people like me who dress like a bum half the time because if I put on heels and makeup I become a walking magnet for constent remarks or people hitting on me or people asking me for autographs or stopping and acting strange. So I dress like a bum most the time if I am going out alone and it isn’t for an audition where I have to dress up chances are I am wearing jeans a hoodie and no makeup. In hipster land I would get the glances the your not hip enough for this train glances. Hipsters do that they really believe that what you wear effects how “ cool “.

If cool is defined by a label that cost five cents to make then alls you need to be to be cool is buy a box and stick them on everything.

So I left hipster land, I left because it was too hip to pretencious, it was feeling like a never ending tv show. So I moved.

Now I feel free, I walk around for hours on the phone down a desolte part of the city, it is industrial or 9-5 I love huge office building at three am there is no one there.

So I am walking around last night and as usual the phone had been ringing all day. I want to take all my conversations and put them here because I wish I could be there for everyone and help everyone understand. They are not alone and someone does care. But I am one person and needless to say I have to sleep and work and as much as I would like to help everyone individually it is impossible. So at the end of the day when I needed to move to prowl to walk I took my phone and called four corners of the earth.

The first phone call was to Mittens, who is sick and I wish I didn’t have deadlines I wish I didn’t have limits as far as when I needed to deliver the music. Earlier during the day I wanted to call but I am very tunnel vision. It is a curse and a blessing when I am doing something that is usual where I am focused. This allows me to finish things but I wont pick up a phone for twenty four or forty eight hours and those who don’t know me tend to freak out. The truth is if I stop and move my attention my mode switchs so in this case I should have called earlier, because unlike some people he is amazing at not trying to keep me tied to the phone. He understands some don’t, anyways needless to say I became aware I was being selfish- artist selfishness- the isolated artist kind of selfishness where I am soooooooo into the art or music or whatever that I forget there is a world outside of the box. You see around the time he called I had a feeling I needed to call him, but in some ways I have a strong anti phone streak. It is from years of it never stopping, on a good day I get only ten to fifteen calls, on a active day it has been in the twentys, there is no human way to deal with all of it and work and have a life so needless to say I have developed tha habit of turning it off and hiding it under the bed until I am done. I need to get another phone for people like him and my mother. People who I would like to and love talking to the problem is when I am working I don’t like being interrupted and people like Mittens and my mother and my assitant are people I would and need to pick up the phone for or return calls. Ok so now hold on I have to make a note of this, now I get it, now I understand why him and others said change your number, I am stubborn and I am attached to my old number for some reason, oh well if people need me they can find me-----here on the internet I will always have an email.
Ok I sent my note

So I called him and he is sick and I want him to get better----I wish I could make it better---but I cant—I made a mistake grrrrrr -----its hard adjusting to people who care about me, I am still not used to it, I am used to being alone or running with good reason from people who are after me.
He is neither,

Phone phobia, he told me that months ago as usual I listen but it takes time for it too make complete sense. Because life has to teach me, I take what someone says and apply it or try to apply it to make it make sense.

So then I started going down the list, and one by one I left messages I called people back and I was on the phone for hours.
The tounge is the most powerful force, I suppose that is another reason I am not into chatty gossip stuff, if I am talking to you I see it as a gift, and if I am not in the best mode or of spirits I tend not to call people for chat unless I know there is something I need to say or needs to be heard. I suppose, because if I called to chat I would never work.

So then I talked to two of my adopted sisters I have lots of adopted sisters and brothers I have a huge adopted family spread out across the world and through wires we connect. Lately lots of them have been having things going on that are painful, deaths, lovers leaving, sickness, lack of work, lots of hard bad things. Many of them feel alone.

It blows my mind how we can live in a world, where the one thing I hear across the board is over and over when I ask why?
What do you mean why? Well when they tell me they are out drinking everynight, or doing drugs, or sad, or having lots of sex, or getting involved with one thing or another that some see as bad and I am like an investigator I start digging as I have been lately

Why
Why
Why
And then it always comes out they always say the same thing “ no one cares” “ it is hopeless”
They are hurting, and no one cares to understand, no people judge them, blame them, outcast them, or push them away.

Why?
Because as I said we are like mirrors and when someone has some pain or feels sorrow and you open up to them, you feel it and you become one with them and that emotion that pain that fear that hurt you feel.

Most of us don’t want to feel it we have enough of are own we think and so what do we do, we shut off we shut down and we ignore there pain, we ignore the hurt and so in order to ignore the hurt the pain the truth the reality we all feel that stuff we have to put a wall between us and them. We have to dehumanize them we have to objectify them we have to make them seem less like us so what do we do, we find fault in them, we look for how we are better how we are GOOD and they are BAD.

Therefore distancing ourselves from connecting and feeling the pain. I was on the phone till four am, and I am now sitting here a bit tired but I learned a very important lesson. I learned something very important, because it all makes sense to me now.
The reason most people end up in dark places or at the end of the line or falling so to speak is not because they are bad or we are good. But because they feel life is hopeless and no one cares. Care means you stay on the phone till four am even though I was falling asleep, care means taking the heat when people look at me and say “ how could you be with them” care means I don’t care if I am looked down on by my parents or others who feel they are good or better then others.

During the conversations I saw a huge hole out there a huge hole filled with people who feel no one cares. Now how do you help them out,
You reach in your hand your heart you open up and you let them pour there thoughts, there fears there emotions, into you and you accept it, you listen you hear the why, you hear the truth you don’t shut off because it makes you remember those bad times in your own life.

When I listened I remembered being them, alone, feeling no one cared, people dying, people promising roses, people telling me everything I wanted to hear. People using me, and me believing they cared and I was more then a pretty piece of meat.
( went to make tea) I am back
Clocks by coldplay is amazing I hear it and I think of Mittens everytime, he is like a rockstarJ I wonder if he will ever play-----

Anyways so back to above
They were like seeing myself all over again, what they said where the same things I said when I was there and I was there I was in there shoes and so for hours I listened and then I told them the things no one else would.

Because most are trying to use them, for there looks, for there energy, to fill the space, to meet a need, most want something from them. They offer affection they offer praise but in reality they are using them and when they are through they will throw them away and there will be another broken hearted little girl that feels no one will love them or care in the hole of hopelessness.
There is a fire started and I am happy about this one, there are other models writing books, writing about there experiences in TRUTH. They are women who have been around various aspects of the modeling world the fashion,fetish,adult,art,glamour, you name it and now they too are reaching out reaching down through words through conversations.

When people would question why I do this, why I am willing to talk about these things, why I am putting all the bad and the good online is frankly for one reason. If I help one person see the otherside of the hole, they it is worth more then any contract or amount of money so frankly I wont shut up or sit down. The girls are both beautiful, both smart, both have ability to do many things, most people have the ability to do many things, it is just for one reason or another we fall into the hole and feel life is hopeless and no one cares.

The thing is you cant count on the world, you cant count on other people you cant count on fame you cant count on anything here to make you happy. If you want something if you have a dream the only thing between you and it is fear, and doubt. You have to jump, you have to let go to have faith in what is unseen.

Faith is believing in something unseen…………
Faith is jumping
Faith is willing to fall
Faith is willing to be alone
To be hurt
Faith is love that continues regardless of pain
Faith allows us to forgive to move on
To go beyond the limitations

So the conversations will never end the chord wont be cut, I may not hear or see someone for months, days, years but there is a chord there, there is a string, and if someone needs something I can give I try to give,

I do have my own personal thorn, I like being isolated I like hiding I like being alone, I like silence, I like music and headphones, and nature and sometimes I get into a state of silence of meditative aloneness and I don’t want to come out. I built a home that is a sanctuary a calm quiet peaceful sanctuary, the good thing is because now I have ample energy because it isn’t being used for my own protection, cause I just came out of a huge phase of having to clean out my own heart and for the first time I took a good chunk of time and carved it out to heal. Granted I am still in the process but the bulk of the work is over so now I can go back to work-------

Anyways
Speaking of

I am going for a run and then to sing and make music and other things

j

2003-04-12T22:18:00.000-07:00

The time always seems to come when life is taken apart and re-created.

The move happened so quickly. one door after another. then i was there, alone in my apartment
looking out the window.

i look for a needle or a pin to pop the balloon. life seems unreal, but it is real.

imagine all your dreams are realities and there you are sitting in your dreams, only now they are no longer dreams. now they are realities and the dreams are like ghosts sitting on the roof of your reality. you wonder, as i wonder, what is next?

because for year reaching here was the dream, but the dream has many layers. the first night, i was home in my new home it happened. in the middle of the night, i felt a feeling i feel so often
or sometimes the feeling of feeling all the feelings. like the world is one big feeling and the feeling is all the feelings of all the people all over the world – the love, the joy, the sorrow, the hope, the pain. one big huge feeling. and it came and was there. or maybe it is a muse
because it is the ability to feel those feelings -- to connect to whatever it is that causes me to get up out of my bed and walk to the area where the music gear was and there i laid my head down on the floor, between the computers and the keyboards. and everything up until here seemed like a far off distant dream. It was like looking back over a far away place.

everything i did, all the things i worked for, all the hours i kept going regardless of pain,
of fear, of walls, all of them seemed unreal, unimportant. and now i am here and i am alive
and i am healthy and still kicking.

out on the other side of the maze so to say. and there, between the keys and computers, the loft by the water, the sanctuary in the sky, the people in my life, all of it was a dream i had. and now it is real.

or is it? and why? why am i here? why did i survive?

and then i felt it. like a force moving around inside – music is for the people.

to do what? to express. to feel what they feel. to give what i can. to relate. to say you’re not alone. we are all in this. we all feel this. it’s okay to fall, to feel, to cry. in order to heal, you have to feel, so then and there, it all made sense. and i cried, but not because i was sad, but because i made it here. the dreams are realities and nothing stopped it.

and so now, i open up to a whole new set of dreams. as we all should. let a dream come and
become real and then more will come. life is short. passing by. and tomorrow may never be,
so don’t forget your dreams today.

i suppose that is why i create as i do. because it is the way i can give back. i can leave my heart behind for eternity and that is what i can give, what i can leave. that is why i create i suppose –
to leave behind and to give. it doesn’t matter to me now. the only thing that matters is learning how to communicate the feelings in the soul into sound and words, art and images.

so if i could, i would give the world a little bit of my energy. i suppose.

more later.

2003-04-08T19:42:00.000-07:00

i will be away from all communication or at least internet access for several days. when i come back, i will tell you why :)

so don't worry about me

i am making changes
================

2003-04-06T13:14:00.000-07:00

So as I lay in bed this morning it came to me as it usually does
Many things come to me, why?
The mind is an amazing tool if you use it in fact most of us only use around two percent.
Granted I discovered that fact when I was eleven or so and I made it my mission in life to learn how to use more of it. I discovered that the mind needs to be feed as well as released just like the body, feed it and then it is used and it makes us strong and gives us energy.

So I have now been digging into many forms of research for say 11 years on how to utilize the mind, to push it to use it. Granted my idea of research is to make myself a human guinea pig. Sometimes making myself my own guinea pig got me in a bit of trouble.

One little known fact is that people who have lots of interaction with other people who are not like them tend to learn much more about life and living then people who are always around the same people all the time, who stay in the same group who are only with people of there type.

Yes I know its safe, yes I know it’s easy but it will make you all become a bunch of little copycats. The copycat epidemic has been feed and has grown at a rapid pace that is both mind blowing and also amazingly fascinating to watch.
The epidemic has been speed up by two things, the media and the huge corporations. Which have basically gone from city to city town-to-town and have wiped out most if not all of the once family run, or mom and popshops. Now all the small business are being absorbed by the big business and now when driving through the place I grew up all the old building have been replaced with Walmarts, Starbucks, McDonalds, Gaps, Taco hell, (that wisent a spelling error) and now all the little shops are gone. Empty or dying.

So now people have no choice, but to buy what those places have. While in the middle of nowhere for the holidays I went looking for fresh veggies, I found what may be considered vegetables, but am so full of chemicals, and preservatives I was frightened to eat them. In New York there are farmers markets and organic stores all over, I was spoiled rotten.

Back to the epidemic so now you go out of the major cities and people are all clones. They have the same hair, the same shirt, the same hobbies, they watch the same TV shows, read the same papers, eat the same fat and grease mixed with salt and packaged as “ good food” that causes cancer and destroys the body from the inside out. The children are the ones I worry about the most, the epidemic of obesity, is not getting better. Now lets get real you have all these fat kids (I was one of them as well as a kid for a bit) who are picked on, who are made fun of who are made to feel like they aren’t good enough. Who turn on TV and see all these thin perfect ideal people. Who feel that is what they should be but can’t be and how can they when their parents are FEEDING them French fries cokes and sugar? Then wondering why there kids are depressed or mad or hyper or angry. Why are parents feeding their children this? Because of convince.

Back to the epidemic, so kids grow up in front of TVs, they are entertained, video games Internet, it all keeps them busy. It also removes there ability to think I am sorry but scientific studies prove that being in front of a TV slows down your brain, puts it in sleep mood. Proof of this is because I never hardly watch TV, I get sleepy, when ever I am around in, unless I ignore it don’t look at it block it out. Granted movie theaters don’t do this I will figure out why latter. But anyways my point is you slow down the mind to the point it only observes it doesn’t interact.

Interaction is one of the largest keys in development of the mind. Now lets go a step further, so school, kids go to school and guess what they are told what to do, again, go here do this, go there do that, believe this believe that. Once again mostly told what to do, and those who question the system are usually beaten outcast or out comes the hammer that is pounded on there so called hard heads till they fall into submission. Or it makes them feel so outcast and worthless they end up spending the majority of their lives feeling worthless useless outcast.

Those who don’t fit the mold are rejected, are pushed out, are punished by teachers, by peers, and are always on the outside looking inside. As a child being rejected and feeling outcast either influences them for years that they are worthless, useless and never can be loved and people who have that kind of experience usually end up one of two ways either they really believe it and they become those who spend most there lives trying to die, in a self destructive nature, who really believe they are worthless useless and un love able or
Somewhere someone comes along and says

Guess what, being a gingival being unique being different, going against the flow is NOT A BAD thing. In fact individuality is what makes humanity so amazing. The reality that no two are alike or ever will be is amazing the fact we are all unique and all are a slightly different piece of art is fascinating. Or at least to me.

So what makes us unique? What is the core? What is the source? Well what is the source of everything? Your soul?………..now lets go back to our current western world, when is the last time the TV feed your soul? When is the last time you heard the word soul in school? When is the last time your child said I want to feed my heart? When is the last time you feed your own soul? Where is the soul in this PERFECT WONDERFUL WE ARE ALL RIGHT AND ARE GOING TO RULE THE WORLD current state of whatever you want to call it?

The soul has been wiped out, from the schools, from the majority of prime time TV, where is it? Well I’ll tell you I give respect to any director, artist, musician, ceo, or anyone who makes an effort to bring it back into the light of the mainstream media. Because LESS AND LESS are and it’s funny because the music the art the soul is more seen more visible more there in the dark shadows then the light. The light is an illusion shallow material based messages that appear harmless are really the very thing that are dragging people away from the truth.

Granted back to soul, I look for it, I listen for the language you here it you see it you can sense it. Movies like, “ The Matrix” think about it in ways it is a very realistic take on what is happening, most of the advanced or so said portion of humanity is plugged into a machine, which controls them which tells them what is real and what isn’t. Movies like “ stigmata” “ the crow” “ the pianist” “ dark city” and more I cant think of all have a deep underlying spiritual or a message about conserving life.
Some artist and there are many musings who use there lyrics to enlighten, I respect them as well, if they speak the truth, from the soul that is what I listen for I look for. I don’t care if it is a rapper, or death metal, or hip-hop, or pop, it’s the message, what are you saying.

Its hard because if you speak the truth if you step out you will have something someone try to buy you out shut you up sit you down, crush you.

Just like when you were a kid, and you questioned something, you would get someone or something telling you just to accept just to observe just to sit down shut up behave.
So I know it’s hard for artist musicians to step out to cause we live in a world that tells us to believe in our TVs in our media and not to question anything.

The very nature of the soul is the question everything to seek the truth. The soul will tear things apart and try to put them back together, the soul will take all the pieces and put them on the table and look at them.

So now back to the epidemic you tell me where and how our government our TV our educational system is trying to help or feed or nourish or encourage the soul and I will stop but until then I will continue. Cause I looked and I searched and I haven’t found it. Most religious societies churches can be compared to social clubs that are like dry toast energy less, lead by leaders who like to control people with guilt and shame, and tell people once again your worthless useless and blah.

I think someone forgot that if you put people down all the time they aren’t going to flourish, or grow or use more then two percent of there brain in fact between the different ways of destruction and I have only touched on a few people are becoming walking zombies, soulless, zombies, there soulless because if you starve it for years it will shrink into next to nothing and then your search for truth shrinks and you become a sheep.

People look at the world’s problems; we pay attention to all of them except the spiritual ones. The problem is all the problems can be traced to the state of the souls of humanity of all people of the leaders of the children. You wonder why your kid is in trouble maybe because his or her soul is screaming and dying and nothing is feeding it causing pain.

Pain where does pain come from? Violation of the soul causes pain. Too much violation of the soul and guess what it screams and cries and the more you ignore it the louder it screams till eventually you push it down and shut it up and lock it out until you cant hear it. Why do you shut it up? Don’t you know the soul is what allows life to be real? What allows you to feel? What allows you to really love and really be loved? Don’t you know that the soul is the very SOURCE of your life your energy and if you kill it you become a walking zombie.

The soul is energy that causes things to happen, energy that moves things energy that if unleashed can spread like a virus and cause hope and inspiration to spread like a disease

Its no wonder that the system from churches to schools to tv to even allot of music is all about filling your life up with junk food…….guess what spiritual junk food will kill the soul just like fast food kills the body.

Well what kills the soul, the soul is sensitive when you are born it is at its most pure state. Now lets expand, if humanity was left in the state we should have remained in the soul would be nourished naturally, the soul like nature, the sky, animals, reading, creating, expression, love, a challenge work, productivity, the soul likes to explore to learn to go outside and play. Now until a tv people explored through other people through books through experience, then all of that got replaced by a box and the thing is in small doses the TV can be a very educational tool, but not in the doses most absorbed nor the content that most absorbed.

So now lets see the soul doesn’t like seeing things that hurt, other people, humanity nature, and so on. As little children when we see someone killed, or someone raped, or beaten, or an animal run over what does it do, come on remember go back there remember the first time you saw that cruelty that death that destruction go back remember, remember the feeling remember wanting to turn away or crying or feeling sad. REMEMBER that innocence. I remember the first time I saw pornography I was eight I found a magazine in the back yard and I remember looking at the people and feeling sorry for them feeling sad because they didn’t look happy it didn’t look like they were in love they didn’t look like they really wanted to be there, it looked like a lie an illusion and it made me feel sad and my stomach went to the bottom, yet I looked anyways out of curiosity out of a strange dark thing telling me to keep looking even though it was disturbing. It left me uneasy, but at the time I didn’t understand. Needless to say I had nightmares for years of being eaten alive physically, as a child I had dreams of things feeding off my body, well years latter it all makes sense why I had those dreams, they dreams became a reality and I remember in the dreams, screaming and crying and trying to get away and I couldn’t and trying to die and I wouldn’t I just lived through it all. Very frightening dreams for a little girl.

I remember I saw one horror film and it made me sick and I could never watch one again because as much as I was drawn to some of those dark things as I always have been very curious if it had too much just outright evil attached to it ever since I was a child it would physically effect me.

Example was after I had left the rave scene and it was a year after I had left. I went back to see what was going on with the people. I went to a rave in Atlanta there was over 10,000 children there. I remember walking in and feeling sick, I was sober I had been fine, I had eaten I was in perfect help. I walked around and I looked at the children passed out on the floor, hardly no one was dancing, I looked and there was a room with thousands of people sitting on the floor in the dark, and I felt the destruction I felt what was happening. The children were doing so many drugs they couldn’t move or walk or talk or dance, and they wanted to, they felt the need to and I remember walking around and then some reached up to me from the floor. My heart was bleeding they asked for water, they were so long gone they couldn’t get up. I then felt this huge weight against me, something trying to force me out. I walked looked for those I knew from when I used to be one of them, I went back to try to reach in to drag them out, I was on a search and rescue mission. The next thing I know I am feeling dizzy and sick and I black out, I had friend there, and I came back and it was there again, the same force the same under current the same energy the energy that was killing these children and it was there church, it was a place where life was drained opposed to up lifted. I got up and continued looking talking trying to inspire to give people a few word to try to reach in for a second to show them you can get out. Because I was one of them I almost died I felt that lost that hopeless I was them, and I always said if I got out I would go back I wouldn’t forget and so I did. But something didn’t want me there and it wasn’t playing, I wasn’t as strong as I am now so I was still learning about all this stuff, I saw children die, I saw them remove them like animals, they just let them die in the corners on the floor, no one there to try to love them to help them. I was there for 8 hours and for eight hours my physically body was being put through hell, I black out over and over, it didn’t matter what I ate or drank, it wasn’t that it was the fact that I was in a dean of destruction and wasn’t wanted. I also as I said hadn’t understood the reality that the spiritual world is real and can affect you not only spiritually but also physically.

I left as soon as I left I cried for days I cried not for me, but for them and I didn’t black out again and to this day people ask what drives me what pushes me what makes me a workaholic, what makes me not care if I sleep enough or eat enough, or have new crap, what pushes me what breaks me what makes me work as I do is because I know the pain I know what’s going on out there I feel the sound of millions of souls starving dying crying out and that sound is a murmur that never dies and I spent years trying to stop it to shut it up

I tried to shut up my soul I tried to turn it off because I like you like everyone knows its easier not to see the pain not to be that deep or sensitive because if you are this world is a bit disturbing.

You see if your soul is on you see the pain in the eyes of people who are lost who are dying who are hurting who are hungry. You watch TV and see you see that allot of it is wrong and bad and harmful and it is either destroying human worth or de-vaulizing what is important, not all but allot, or it is making life and death entertainment. Death and destruction should not be a past time yet at this very moment millions are feeding the energy of a war that is all about death and destruction Americas eyes are glued to a TV and what is it doing, it is making it ok, making it a game show, making it entertainment.

So now lets touch the next subject, so you’re a kid and by the time you are in elementry school all those things that make your soul fall to the floor have been pouded into your head through a box, through the tv through the internet. Human life has lost its value, sex has lost its value, nothing matters, nothing except what you can get. Sex becomes a game of how much you can get or who you can get, and not about love, it becomes a game and has no meaning, the problem is sex without meaning drains you it takes away it leaves you empty, sex without meaning is like putting water in your gas tank. Humans become things to use to get things, not to enjoy or love for the simple fact they are beautiful unique amazing creatures.
Children these days aren’t even given a chance at developing their soul; their sixth sense is driven out of them at a rapid sense. So not only have they forgotten but also more likely then not that think I am crazy for talking about the soul.

So they grow up and when the sex and the TV and the junk food becomes boring they venture into drugs, alcohol, and more and more extreme versions trying to find that high that sense of meaning that energy. So people try to replace the energy that is naturally given to us through the soul. But since we have killed it we feel empty all the time so we move from one form of trying to fill it to another.

Money (money is a tool and it should be used as a tool when it becomes an obsession or what your life revolves around it is a soul filler), power (power by destroying others by chipping them down by manipulation or fear is another drug or soul filler that will keep you a slave for as long as you serve it), sex (as a game not out of love), pornography (replacement for sex and love stop watching porn go have real relationships people aren’t so bad we are all the same) sex is amazing in the right place in the wrong place you may as well go use your hand, I don’t think the sex is what is wrong with pornography because I don’t think it is evil, I think the negative is it takes the soul and the mind out of sex and I was on both sides of the fence and sex with soul is a million times better then sex just as a way to fill a inner hole) drugs ( drugs are not evil or bad alone it is the use and the motive, example at this stage in my life I will only drink or use anything that opens me up and alters my perception of reality with someone who I can fully trust because what drugs do is they rip open your walls and leave the soul open and unprotected, many people fall under the influence of darkness/depression and destruction when they use drugs not because drugs are evil but because of the reality that your soul can be and will be influenced by whatever energy you invite. If your soul is empty it is open to be filled by any energy, drugs tend to bring in negative energies unless used in a very protective manner, I know some who used drugs to be more aware and to connect with others on drugs, If someone who is a feeder (someone who tries to help feed people spiritually emotionally and so on) wants to use drugs to connect to those they are trying to feed, two things if they do it alone they will get sucked in and the second is if your soul is fully on and in good healthy shape it has a third eye that is more powerful at opening up the walls and peeling the layers then a drug) so drugs are only negative when it is used to fill a need to fill a void or to escape reality. Then it is destructive because you are trying to fill a need and in reality it is only draining you and taking from you making you feel emptier………..

The list goes on, what blows my mind is with each passing year the walls are torn down more and more. Drugs are being created by our government that will make acid and e and crystal meth look like Childs play, these drugs are still far out of reach to most but that will change. The new drugs will destroy large portions of humanity once they are released and spread; because the thing about drugs is think of the impact of the rave scene

The impact is there are millions of kids whose prime years of growth and productivity were replaced with a drug that’s after effect is the lowering of seratonin levels. Now if you don’t know what serotonin is it is the chemical in your brain that makes you feel happy that allows you to feel peaceful, happy and so on, it also influences your sleeping patterns and your appetite. Cocaine, meth, and all the other drugs affect this. Now I wrote an essay on this so I wont bore you but basically so you have millions of people who now have lowered forms of serotonin, causing them to be depressed, unmotivated, fearful, restless, unable to sleep, and have a higher then normal appetite.

So now lets look at the BIG picture, so what happened to all the ravers well they grew up to be Prozac users, therefore feeding the pharmaceutical companies, as well as unable to sleep so they buy sleeping aids and happy pills. The good thing is believe it or not a good diet of mostly raw fruit and veggies, 5HTP, and regular exercise, a few good books, and some meditation and light can fix all those things over time. Nature has created a fixer for the mess but most people don’t know about it cause for some reason the they keep it unknown, maybe because Prozac is not only addicting but it NUMBS you and people who try to go off of it become even more suicidal, coming off Prozac is like coming off heroin.

So now anyways the cycle the circle, ugly-------
And back to my point

It all goes back to the soul
Its simple
Feed your soul, put it first, and the rest will fall into place…………..

Its simple very simple, a way of life that is simple, easy effortless,
Free

Ok-------------
I have to run
Eat something

Learn more below beautifulJ

Learn about seotonin
http://apu.sfn.org/content/Publications/BrainBriefings/serotonin.html
http://www.phc.vcu.edu/rag/serotonin/
http://www.nature.com/cgi-taf/DynaPage.taf?file=/npp/journal/v28/n2/abs/1300036a.html
http://www.csuchico.edu/psy/BioPsych/serotonin.html

Learn about 5htp
http://www.netpharmacy.co.nz/5htp.php
http://www.indstate.edu/thcme/mwking/nerves.html
http://www.thehormoneshop.com/5htp.htm

2003-04-05T15:24:00.000-08:00

I had one of those things hit me on the head. There are many kinds of people, but there is one huge separation: CONSUMERS and PRODUCERS.

Consumers work to consume; work to be entertained; work to buy movies, to watch TV, to buy things to consume.

Producers produce and tend to consume less.

Consumers tend to talk about the things they consume -- money, cars, movies, clothing, politics, TV, music, clubs, gossip;. about other people, about what is going on in the news. consumers talk to kill time because it is a pastime. consumers don’t question things nearly as often. They tend to accept what is in front of them as what is true.

Producers tend to talk about things in relationship to creation or they listen. they absorb and then generate. they talk about things to learn. producers tend to ask the question “why?” all the time. producers tend to not accept what is in front of them making them want to make something or change it.

Consumers tend to spend all their free time watching TV, or buying things, or talking about things. it all revolves around consuming.

Producers tend to spend all their free time feeding their energy in information, knowledge, human interaction; feeding their souls, or doing nothing at all and meditating, opening themselves up to more ideas.

Most of the world population is made of consumers and has been forever. that is the way it works. about 2 percent or so are feeders/producers.

They feed everyone around them, besides them. they tend to be the people at the head of things creative as well as business. most of the CEOs of huge corporations who I know are also creative and producers.

I am a producer and i always have been. it makes life difficult for me sometimes. For example, I have tried a few times to live with people who are consumers, or who said they were producers, but it was really a “want to be a producer.” they, for one reason or another, were not real producers. this would work for awhile -- when they were in the fascination mode -- but it always goes away once they see the hours and hours and the not so glamorous side of my work.

Also, energy producers tend to have lots of energy, this energy can be down right annoying to people who just like to watch TV or play video games all day, granted I know I need to chill at times but 6 hours a day isn’t happening

So now I have learned my lesson, I will never ever live with a non-producer it isn’t working, in fact looking at all my good friends the thing they all have in command is they are all producers yes they go through phases I have been hearing I was going to burn out for years

That is why from the get-go I decided to prevent burn out. I would do what I am doing
multi-display, from photography, music, acting, writing, web designer, singing, dj’ing, doing makeup, and on and on. as long as it is creative, I am usually into it

why? so I don’t burn out. if I don’t feel like writing music, I write; if I don’t feel like writing, I make pictures; if I don’t feel like making pictures, I work on the site. needless to say, each feeds the other.

and then, when I am not doing one creative thing, I hang out with people who make me think, who are real, who talk about more than so and so and what movie they saw and the other superficial stuff that means nothing except I don’t really want to talk so I will go blah
blah all day long

so anyways I tried to hang out with people who don’t do anything and I understand it but when they moan about how depressed they are yet don’t do anything to change it, i want to say, “then do something. stop moaning and get up and do something.”

anyways, look, consumers are good, and not everyone can be a producer, but consumers can produce. maybe not all the time, but now and then. and many do and it makes life better.

Hobbies or creative outlets will change your life if you give it a try. But yes I know the TV is easy. It was made to be easy. We don’t want people happy because then they won’t be buying as much stuff

Okay. Point over.

Back to creating.

2003-04-04T10:39:00.000-08:00

you have to see this------------

http://www.newamericancentury.org/

www.newamericancentury.org/RebuildingAmericasDefenses.pdf

i believe there was a time
in the past were someone decided to say
things like, we are better, we know better, our way is better, they are evil,
needless to say its a bit Erie

did everyone see the pianist
amazing movie

j

2003-04-04T09:06:00.000-08:00

So many things have changed
I found a dream in life
Or it manifested
It depends on how you look at it

I have to write music so I am going to be short and simple

So here is the first this
Take a look think about it that is all I am saying

http://www.asile.org/citoyens/numero13/pentagone/erreurs_en.htm

OK so that is the first thing
Now I then I read this

This article from NYTimes.com
has been sent to you by foundmodel@aol.com.

A Threatening Mystery Disease

April 3, 2003

if the nation were not distracted by the war in Iraq,
people would certainly be obsessing about SARS, the
mysterious respiratory illness that has triggered a global
health alert. This week a plane from Tokyo was briefly
quarantined in California after some passengers and crew
showed SARS-like symptoms. The disease, for which there is
no known cure, has turned out to be more easily
communicable than health authorities originally thought.

So far, there are few cases and no deaths from SARS in the
United States or Europe, so the risk of infection in these
areas is very slight. But whether the illness, severe acute
respiratory syndrome, will burn itself out or will take off
like wildfire cannot be determined from the available
evidence.

The disease appears to have started in southern China and
was carried to North America and Europe by airline
passengers. As of yesterday, more than 2,200 cases had been
reported around the world, including more than 75 deaths. A
vast majority of the cases have been in China and its Hong
Kong region. The United States has reported 85 cases; most
patients were infected in Asia.

U.S. health officials have told members of the public that
if they want to avoid contamination, their best bet is to
avoid traveling to southern China, Hong Kong, Vietnam and
Singapore, where the disease is prevalent. Some
international corporations are recalling employees from
their Hong Kong offices. Tourists and business travelers
have canceled flights to China. Hong Kong officials have
made the disturbing discovery that the illness spread very
rapidly through an apartment complex, suggesting that the
virus can remain suspended in the air in small droplets
that disperse broadly. For unknown reasons, some people are
supertransmitters, while others do not seem to pass on the
infection.

For now, health officials are doing their best to identify
and isolate the sick and are alerting airline passengers to
potential symptoms. Their best advice to the ill is to stay
home and adopt hygienic measures to limit the spread of the
virus. Medical researchers are struggling to find a way to
treat and control SARS. In Hong Kong and other affected
areas, that is the war that has people waiting nervously
for good news.

Now lets play thinker
Connect the dots
Just read it and let it roll around in your head
So isn’t it a bit odd that here we are and it has been stated and I think all the thinkers out there where did this virus come from

Well back in the day
Amongst my connections
I knew someone who worked for the government who worked in a place where all these strange viruses are kepts locked away
Or so they say
But then again they are easily accessible to people high on the food chain to use

There is no greater way to weaken a country to make them powerless then to make them afraid
Example I went to the circus and it was shocking, it sells out every year and now, my precious, it was one third full

Why? Fear, the media, the propaganda the fear keeps you home, keeps you in a box, keeps you cut off from each other.
Then what do you do you watch more TV, surf the net more then what happens you forget you, you forget life.

So now they are in the works of forming a one world government/union/collective, it is happening call me crazy tell me I am insane go ahead see if I care, I don’t because my entire life it all was real, people would say I was mad then two years latter then would come back, “ your not crazy you where right” granted I am an artist I am allowed to have wacky insane ideas it is my duty to think outside of the box because someone has to.

Someone has to talk about something other then what so and so did on TV, I suppose to me it makes me sad when people only live to watch TV, but that is why I packed my bags and did whatever it took. I was living in a place where people think its fun to sit around and see how dumb they can be and how much they can put each other down, a place where food is fat and sugar in a box with a pretty label, a place where life revolves around what so and so did on jenny Jones, a world where the most exciting thing was who made out with who on last nights sitcom
A world where people are like little cattle, being herded being pumped full of fat and sugar which will make you lose all your energy, give you cancer, make you sick, make you feel sick, well that’s just wonderful then you’ll be fat and sick and depressed so then what do you do you watch more TV and eat more bon bons and complain and moan and then blame your wife or kids or boss or mother or father……….
Then you go to a docter and your SICK from eating POSION and sitting STILL and you were NOT made to do that but wait they DON’T TEACH THAT IN SCHOOLS, no in school they FEED the children the poison, hear eat your food its good for you…
Sure that’s why kids are add all of them WAKE UP cut the sugar and TV, and the add will go away-----but wait then you may have to talk to your kid, you may have to help him find hobbies, or read or think, and that takes effort, nope no effort we want to be relaxed or should I say lazy

So then your fat, unhappy, depressed and you turn on your TV and you see all these beautiful people having fun, making love, living in New York, going out and doing and being all the things you want to be but don’t think you can
Why? What is stopping you?

Fear
Yes fear of rejection fear of failure fear to bend the rules fear to not be NORMAL if normal is eating fat and sugar and being unhappy and popping pills and watching TV 6 hours a day I will be a happy outcast of normality for my entire life,

Fear why fear? What is going on why? Well let’s see how do you control people
Wait…………let me think………..example “ you know son if you don’t I will take this away /beat you/ punish you etc//////////
So fear now is based on what

Well let me think
You couldn’t lose your security
Your financial security
Your TV yes no TV
Your credit cards
Your fast food
Your fancy cars
Your things
What if you don’t have the new car?
Or the right clothing
No one will like you

Oh my so I most work, work, work to get those things so I can be LOVED so I can be accepted so I can be WORTH something

Yes and so you work and you buy and you work and you buy and the more you have the more you work the less you have till one day yes you have a pile of things and houses and cars and all this stuff and then guess what you die
And none of it mattered in the long run

But wait
So what matters?
What last
What is important?

So anyways back to the point of fear once you get a world full of people who are afraid of everything
Then they will gladly do whatever you say

Anything

No questions asked

Except

Can I keep my TV and McDonalds?

Food for thought
The only thing that will remain is everything that had to do with the heart and soul all else will be ashes and dust

2003-04-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

Cameras on the street corners
They are new
They are everywhere start looking you will see them on buildings on telephone poles
All over the world
Cameras start looking you will see them they have been doing it since the early 90s its just strange to see them everywhere-----------------------

He went away to meditate for three days, if you want to know what attracts me to men there is nothing more then a man who feeds his soul, who understands life is more then what is on the surface that digs under the layers, that has integrity who speaks the truth even through it may hurt or may not be pleasant.

Good men are hard to find these days, it seems to be or cultures nor to view men with spiritual and or sensitive sides to be considered by the popular vote as weak and or un-manly. For me at least if someone wasn’t willing to be open on all levels including a spiritual level with me there was no chance of me being able to be completely myself with them.

Because if I cant connect with someone’s soul if they cant connect with mine. If people are closed to it, it causes me to be less open and less aware. Less open and less aware and less in tune and being less aware less in tune in this day and age is death for a soul . Now you have to fight more so then possible in the past to be in tune, in touch, to hear that inner voice that intuition that soul.

So when mittens first popped into my world latterly through an email I almost didn’t get, the only reason I got it was I listened to life and the people around me brought me what I needed to hear, granted he would have never emailed me if I hadn’t been following my heart for years, in fact if you want to pick my life apart it would be very interesting timing is amazing.

So then we met, the moment I saw him I felt my heart expand open, my heart is like a radar detector. It tells me many things, like when I meet David from the start I knew we had music to make together, I had a vision a very clear, very detailed, very precise vision, and for years I poured my soul my energy my love into that vision. The vision with David is not done, but it will come to completion in time. But for years my heart was always pushing me to do and say things, the vision burned inside of my head.

As a small child I had lots of dreams and visions, and I knew when I was very young I had to be in New York it wasn’t an option that was where I was told to go? Granted I wasn’t given a road map, rather each day I was given a little more, and then a little more. Once I finished the task I was given, once I had poured my soul into completing the vision then sure enough as always another would land within my head.

If I stuck to the vision to the heart I was fine. Every time I wondered away or let others come in and alter my course. My life would always over time fall apart. Because I was not on course. Which made me unlike most in the business I would listen to everyone, I would ask lots of questions, but I wouldent let anyone own me. I wouldent sign a contract, I didn’t want one, I needed it was a requirement to not have strings to things to people if I ate from there table they own me.

So now as I advance, they come out again, “ hey little girl we can make you a star” “ just give us your soul and we will take care of you”

Sure you will until your bored, until you have used me, till I stop being your puppet, till I go against your rules. Liar, they speak lies, beautiful eloquent wonderful constructed lies on how it will “ help me “ “ how I need it” “ how my work is not good enough”
Granted many really help me, granted I always am looking to learn to grow to expand to learn from my elders, from the older and wiser.

BUT I said LEARN not be OWNED big difference. So now I learned a lot in my many past lives, people always came after me in modeling, for acting, but I learned in that world that I could do more single handedly then most do in a lifetime. Now I am switching to music, and I am starting all over, I still will model but only select projects. I will act if someone writes a movie that has some soul.

So back to how this and love and mittens and life and soul relates
For the same reason I wouldn’t let anyone own me in a work way, by being managed or controlled or tied down, was because of the soul. Because the soul speaks and unconventional language with puzzles most but makes perfect sense to me. But it puzzles most because they believe in lies, layers and layers of lies years and years or lies.

I avoid people who wont open there souls, who are soulless, not because I think less of them but because often they try to make me forget mine. But I give everyone a chance which usually means I pry I go in with a knife I cut away the layers of walls, if they slam it shut and turn to ice or try to lie to me I see and then I will step back, go back, keep them at a distance.

Randomly I will go back in sometimes and see if they have opened up. I have found over time if you keep at it, most will eventually crack and break. Then real communication happens. Granted I got good at cracking people out of a means of survival. Being a girl who was largely objectified because of my body and looks I discovered that if I could get people to see me the person and see them the person and not us as mearly objects that are there to satisfy some shallow need if I could get there hearts open then I the relationship that may have started out as someone after me for dinner to become someone protecting me.

Because even the hardest most jaded prick, has a heart somewhere in there that loves and dreams. Its often buried under layers of lies of anger of bitterness. I got burned a few times when I was really young because there are some that are so far gone that they don’t feel at all, the only voice they have is feed me, then if they do drugs that feed me that shadow side that need overpowers there ability to see me as more then an object getting me burned a few times.
But I learned fast, so then if I noticed people had cold souls or dead ones I would keep my distance not out of anything other then I didn’t want to get eaten. So when it came to men and dating the usual games the usual ways never made sense to me. I didn’t date, I didn’t look for boyfriends, rather I focused on growth, on moving forward on what I had. I developed an alternative family because mine was distant, this alternative family was people who like me where missing the family connection.

Because my father was gone I was searching for a father, because I saw what happened to most girls who didn’t have healthy relationships, I avoided the boyfriend father replacement. Instead photographers, the old ones, who had warm hearts, who never had children, became my father figures, I meet hundreds and hundreds out of them I found three. With warm hearts and who respected me who treated me as a human. Who didn’t ever try to cross the line? So for the last three years I have had several father-ish figures, who yell at me, who send me books, who made me learn how to be responsible, who get onto me when I am out in outer space, who are there when I need to ask advice on things, who tell me about art and culture and who taught me, they taught me how to make WebPages, how to take pictures, how to run things, and it wasn’t until yesterday when I sat across from my therapist and asked her why I have all these older guys around opposed to like normal people hanging out with lots of people my own age.

You were meeting your needs, she is correct my need was for a father figure I never had for someone I could have a relationship with that was like a father figure. Granted there were many things I never got from my father so I found them elsewhere, and unlike my father (I love him so don’t think I don’t) they were open, they were willing to step out, to call me out but in a kind way. Granted I adopted father figures who were brilliant, creative, and spiritual people, who are all mainly Jewish which doesn’t surprise me. They would push me, I would not always like it or listen. Usually I wouldn’t listen and then as time passed I would see they knew what they were talking about.

They believed in the music in the art in me, more then I did. Then became the guard dogs as I call them. Whenever I am unsure about a situation that seems questionable I have my people so to speak who I trust to help me get to the bottom of things. I am pretty good usually but sometimes I get mixed signal, usually from those who are mastermind manipulators. But even they are easily disarmed with the truth.

So the good thing was I never got into the I have to have a boyfriend mood, in fact I avoided boyfriends. I avoided clubs, I wore hoodies, and baseball caps, I hid, I didn’t want to be seen. I worked on music I worked on the vision. The thing is I cant be really close to people who turn there hearts and feelings off cause it is stagnate energy, no growth will happen so therefore since more and more people don’t believe in souls or feed them the hope of me ever being with anyone was far away—because I suppose on a purely physical level I am often desired. It amazes me the big powerful men who have tried to obtain me with offers of money or houses, fame, or whatever. It amazes me because if they had taken two moments to read what I had to say they would have figured out money is a tool, I use it to make things, houses, cars, mean nothing,

My ideal envoirment would be a large open space with offices set aside two of them and then an area enclosed for music. Minimal, plants, candles, music, books in scene, very minimal very open, sheer layers of cloth could enclose a bed area, or be used as dividers, very Zen. Very little, in fact I just got rid of two thirds of what I own and each week I get rid of more, less is more. Lots of light, lots of space a few couches a nice rug, very simple. Big houses filled with lots of things make me remember starving children in Africa, just like when I would be at dinners and the tab would be hundreds of dollars I thought of all the people that could feed.

Then again I look at a horse and wonder if it is feeling ok. So anyways back to men, so I ran from most, they would come I would run, I would hid, I lived in BED Stu because I knew I would be safe in the ghetto. Safe from the things I really fear, apples of temptation with strings that will kill you.

So I hid, and in ways I always will and if I ever start to lose my soul I do what I always have done I remove everything if I feel I am losing my soul I shut the door turn off the phone, I go into isolation, I go and me and God have it out till I find the root till I find what took me away. This happens allot, it happens everyday, everyday something comes along to steal my soul and I have to see it and turn the other way, energy suckers, the world is full of them it is sickening.

We live in a world and your homes your office is full of them the streets the trains you can’t get away. I got really good at blocking everything out, because I wasn’t strong enough so I just removed the temptation. I cut off my hand so to speak. Like with food, I am a vegan for spiritual as well as health reasons, I had food addictions, I had eating disorders then interfered with my soul so I elemintated them all together giving my soul more space. I cut off my hand

I had a drug addiction that hurt my soul, I stoped doing drugs because it hurt my soul, because it blocked my soul, it hindered my connection, my vision IT TOOK MY ENERGY

I had a money obsession and addiction so I stoped by striping my life down to nothing to learning how to live on nothing in new york, I learned how to eat healthy for 20 dollars a week, I learned how to have fun to do things without money. I did it out of choice for my soul, for money controls many peoples souls.

At one point I had a drinking thing so I stoped all together and now only drink wine once in a while.

Relationships were other soul killers, so if people where what I call vampires, who were always trying to get me to shut down or tune out or not pay attention or not be open to the soul I would as usual run.

I would distance myself from people, those who were open and real and honest regardless of there work or there fame, money, power, looks were the ones I was truly comfortable with. I have found a handful in my life.

They are my friends; my adopted father my creative collaborators.

But the boyfriend/relationship/ involving a deep fuse of not only the mind, but the body and soul had been left vacant, and I had considered a life of celibacy but as I told my mom, “ God gave me a huge sexual apiece, do you really think I am supposed to be alone my whole life” but I had come to the realization that a relationship that hurt or drained or ignored the spiritual side would never last long term and I am not one for short term not saying I never was but I learned everything the hard way.

So then when we meet the heart rader said he was a live wire, his soul was there energy was there and lots of it. David and I walked away looking at each other, so were aren’t alone are weJ for such a long time we had never meet anyone like us. But as always we were like brother and sister skeptics “ is he real?” so I learned actions speak louder then words and peoples true colors will always show themselves if you listen if you watch peoples lives unravel if you watch and ask a few questions.

What attracted to me was the soul he had, and then through little bits and pieces it showed through more and more, and it was consistent, for we all are emotional we all have bad days we all have pain anger sorrow fear, but it is the underlying layer of that ultimate question

What do you want to do with your life?
For some it is to give for others to take ----------givers tend to be people who have live wires, because you cant give if you have a dead soul on a spiritual/emotional/nurturing level, you can give money, you can give gifts, its hard to give love if you are a void------
I also had a rule about not being with people who weren’t like me in energy-ish ways because I have this magnet thing, and I refused to use it to take advantage of people sexually because I had been on the otherside of the fence and I remembered the pain it caused---------so I would try not to be a magnet. In a sexual sense, at least in life, ---

So now I suppose if you want to know what attracted me to him why is his soul his heart the thing deep down under all the layers………………………
Because I am attracted to his soul to his heart to who he is, it doesn’t matter what he does, what job he has, rich, poor, it doesn’t matter if he is always perfect or happy, the outward things people usually require are all a bit stupid to me.

Like when women make a list on what they want in a man, I remember stupid interviews would ask me and I would always say a soul and they would look at me like I was crazy----women go on about money, cars, and success. Power, sex, protection, brains, and yes all those things are lovely, but guess what if you don’t find a soul connection get ready for hell.

In fact the reason half of America hates there wives or husbands or are divorced or are at each others throats or cant have good sex is because they are in a relationship because of superficial needs, not out of a soul connection/ aka love/

How can you have love if you have a dead soul
How can you feel love if your numb
So therefore I am saying if you have a dead soul and are looking for love you are going to get McDonalds for the heart and it will make you sick and fat and unhealthy and eventually kill your soul if you aren’t already dying

So many boys were McDonalds and I see lots of junk food with gold chains-------makes me less hungry,

I also capable of providing for myself and often others and God has his eye on me, I’ll never starve, I know birds will feed me, maybe in a modern way but it is all the same. By having security spiritually it allows me to be more open and able to give and love it is not easy it is a constent struggle it is always up and down , up and down, I fall everyday. So I am no saint I am always have been always will be a black sheep.

So anyways he left today to go feed his soul, there is nothing more attractive or sexier to me then a man who is strong enough to open his heart and who fights to keep it-----it is a fight these days--------
It isn’t easy
Its hard
Cause so many so much tryst to take it away

So now you know more on what turns me on in men soonJ and how it relates to spirituality………………

Well he is also smart, and attractive, and creative, and fun, and a good listener, and beautiful---------on top of the good soul-------and he cares about humanity and truth--------which seems to be a dying topic of interest amongst mass society

Jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

Says

Chow

Bella
music of the day dj shadow and brian eno

time to go make music

2003-04-01T08:27:00.000-08:00

I collect information, I collect music, I collect software, and I collect tools to create.

What makes me content? Creating, breathing, existing, nature, sky, ocean, pianos, pens, paper, paint, canvas. When I create in writing, in music with digital art I am channeling the energy.
By channeling the energy it is productive, it is positive it is used.
When I stop when I block it when the energy doesn’t have a channel I feel like the world is falling apart.

The truth is yes I need to rest I understand that I am not talking about resting I am talking about going against my nature. My nature, my natural state is very creative, always has been as a child I was either painting, writing music, singing, building things, playing the piano, helping people, or running and exploring. I was very happy in my little world, clouds would come and rain on my parade and I would just then go and be even more creative.

Because if I just let the energy sit I felt like I was blocked inside and out. Granted then I didn’t know why I felt bad, or dead or lifeless or depressed then I wasn’t aware enough to see that by going against what my soul wanted to do, my natural state, going against the vision I was causing my world to come to a stand still.

When your not listening to the soul it has a way of letting you know. In fact the reason I have been a part of seeing peoples lives do 180s on a regular basis since I was a kid was because the soul is the center. It is control central, it is headquarters it is where everything comes from your soul is the source of your energy it acts as a magnet or as a wall depending on if you are open or closed.

So I became aware at a younger age then most on when my soul would be open or closed. I can’t feel it at this point, latterly feel it, or maybe it is a lack of feeling when I am not open.

I also discovered the soul didn’t like things, like violence, death, abuse, or maybe I should say negativity in a UN healthy way. Example I saw maybe one horror show my whole life I had nightmares for weeks, I felt sick for hours, I just felt off. So I decided not to watch horror shows. To this day I can’t watch films with lots of death or violence in them, I latterly get sick. I kept my eyes shut through half of the movie the pianist that is a good film but seeing the death burned in my head. I cried afterwards, it was a natural reacting to seeing a movie about such a huge horror, a huge massacre of human life.

I am very aware of what is going on in the world, I know there are deaths, and wars, murders, and lots of other bad things. But my soul told me a long time ago why feed that energy.

Feed it? What are you talking about?
By watching, by spending hours sitting there staring running those dark, depressing, violent, sad, things over and over by watching TV shows or the news or talk shows or even listening to music you are feeding that energy, you are giving your energy to it in essence you are working with it to continue the destruction.

As human beings our tendency is to be drawn either to light or dark, but more towards the dark. Dark? Negative? Its information? Its entertainment?
Being informed is important to an extent, but spending your whole life being informed on everyone else does one thing keeps you from living your own.

Entertainment lets see throughout history in any culture was there any form of entertainment that kept people sitting glued to a chair not communicating with each other not doing anything but watching. Souls are numbed over time, because there is no interaction. It is a one-way street the TV tells you what to think to do to buy to wear.

The Internet consumes people in a much different way, think of this. You sit here in front of me where is your heart? Directly in front of the screen. The internet is feed off of millions of hearts. Now lets dig what is the Internet mostly? Fueled on well pornography.
If you ask anyone what they really want in life the answer is the same love and happiness.

So now the reason pornography is massive is a multi layered multi issued situation.
First there is the fact that we all have sexual urges, we all have dreams, we all have fantasies we all want to be connected to something. We all have this need of being loved being accepted being wanted.

Many men and women across America are in relationships and they don’t communicate. I remember being shocked when I would see people out on dates not speaking, not communicating, like to aliens put together on a strange trip. They were together but they didn’t talk. Both of them felt un-loved, because there is no real communication.

There was surface communication, “ yes honey I am good how was your day?” “ really you know ted and his friends got a new dog” “ jo and them got a new car” “ did you hear about this new movie”
Example
About lack of real communication, not once do I remember the words “ so how do you feel” coming out of my parents mouth, most people avoid that question, run from it

No we cant feel, no feeling comes from the soul no we don’t know how to deal with feelings. Because we have spent so long only observing and not participating actively in the world with our souls. Our minds yes, we are a very mind oriented culture, I meet people who are walking books, but yet with all there book knowledge I can usually make things make sense of a much more simple philosophy.

People have told me I need to study this or that and I do I study what I need, I learn when I need to, but life teaches me in a pretty amazing way most the time if I open up and listen.

Back to pornography and relationships, sex and how it relates to the bigger pictures.
Pornography is huge because of lack of true intimacy amongst couples, married or none. You say how do you know? Well because unlike most people I always dig into people’s layers. I was told not to, by many, because I would see things and do things like tell people the things they hide from everyone else that they think are a big deal or a secret.

Example: when people tell me they are ok and they aren’t a lot of times I look at them and tell them there lying. Then they either continue to try to lie to me, and I get to a point where I tell them whats wrong with them, and then say “ don’t lie to me” granted this has caused some to think I was a witch others to run and hide for a bit, but most people get over the initial shock of how did she know and see it is just something that is.

The truth is how I know is if I open my soul it is an emotional radar detector, it feels whats going on. Its like my soul comes out and goes and puts a hand on the others and it is connected. Just like when I put my hand on someone’s chest I feel his or her heart beat. If I open and am not closed I feel what those around me feel.

It is natural, it is in all of us, we forgot it, we sold it, and we crushed it. So back to using pornography as my example, it is huge because people use it as a replacement, for sex for intimacy for interaction. Its sexual junk food, lots of salt and pepper fat taste good but will if that is all you eat it will destroy you.

I talk to the other side of the screen; spirituality and sexuality has always been a huge portion of the slice of the pie that makes me. Spirituality and sexuality are very close, sex if in a healthy intimate relationship is the exchange of energy, of love, of nurturing, it is two people pouring their hearts out into each other through there bodies.
If used properly it fuels, it feeds, because two become one and each exchange energy.

For me I had a lot of energy, I was a magnet for sex because people were attracted to the energy. My energy was cause my soul was alive and usually pretty charged, even when life was chaos it was pretty high on the scale. People picked up on energy, people do it weather or not they know it, your soul works without you if you ignore it you just don’t hear what it tryst to tell you.

I always wanted to open people souls and get them to really connect with me because to me speaking and dealing with people without a soul connection is like dealing with a TV.
Granted we live in a repressed society and so people often took my trying to get them to open up as something to do with sex and not soul.

So the problem with pornography is not the sex, in fact we should all someday have healthy open sex lives that could if seen by the world be considered pornography, the problem with pornography is they have separated sex and soul. Sex has become a sport, which people play like a video game.
Sex without soul without a full connection is empty, and usually will damage and hurt one or both people in the end.

Someone will feel used, then feel worthless, and then feel like the only thing they deserve is to be used. You go out on a Friday night you see the people all looking for a connection, what they crave is a real connection but they have forgotten what it was like to really connect, so they go out put on there heels and suite and drink till they cant see straight then they meet someone they go home have sex wake up and go about there normal lives, sometimes they stay together but a relationship based on nothing but physical attraction and needs usually falls apart before it can grow.

Meaning you get all these people who go around, connecting there souls, un connecting re connecting with someone else, it isn’t good for the soul to do that its like an animal if you take a cat and switch its living situation every week your going to get one messed up cat scattered unsure insecure, so then what happens the cat becomes numb, cold, stops really connecting.
As do most people

Then after becoming cold, numb and disconnected over time it makes them bitter, yes I know them all to well I have encountered probably a few hundred in my lifetime, they would come after me if they picked up on my energy, thinking ah hah dinner, re-fuel. When I was really young I didn’t know what to do I would feel bad for them and want to fix them, I would see that deep down they were starved animals and they just needed love. Granted the problem was most people think sex = love where usually for me it was love=sex to me I had to love someone to want to have sex with them, I had to really appreciate who they were and admire them. Now there was many times I got in trouble because I was in dangerous places with powerful empty soul-less drained people who had become as I have now deemed vampires, because they feed of the energy of others and feeding is all that matters. They are the ones that go hunting late at night for young ones who are easily manipulated by money, fame, power, need, they say what you want to hear they have been around they know how to play the game.

But they are really just people like me like everyone else you just were lonely and feeling unloved who turned bitter and angry and then decided since no one cared for them why should they care for others.
I learned out of survival out of understanding that being in the industry I was in as well as the fact that I am a women who plays in a mans world in many ways how to protect myself. I learned after years and years how to calm the hunters; it was very simple yet it was hard because here I was this child like creature who was being looked at as dinner. Most of the time.

I learned that if I could get them to open there souls, to remember who they are to see why they were really doing what they were doing if I could strip away the layers, remove the lies, if I could strip them down to who they were deep inside under all the bitterness, if I could melt the ice, then they would feel again, and once they felt again I learned I would be pretty safe because then I was no longer an object I became a human, I became like them, they saw themselves in me, so then what usually happened is the very ones who may have been looking at me as lunch meat became my protectors. Because I had to learn in order to survive, granted I also spent years going from city to city from shoot to shoot always dealing with new people. Now I usually can hold my own, I have also learned how to run though. Because I have encountered some that no matter how much I tried to get them to be human again would remain ice, as long as people are ice, shut off cold, disconnected to me they are a bit of a danger, because they are controlled by only there physical and mental needs.
Your soul isn’t going to say go and hurt another soul, it may say it was hurt, hurt turns to anger, when it is not resolved.
Resolved means to either confront or deal with it or to forgive and let go of it.

The problem with pornography is not the sex it is the soulnessness, which is breeding a world full of people who believe sex is only about the physical aspect. So all these kids think sex is just a physical act and forget that bodies are the carrying cases of souls. The most incredible sex is when your soul, body, and mind can all connect then sex becomes a spiritual and sexual experience. Which is what it was supposed to be.

But you see then people would be satisfied, if they got that connection, yes there would be ups and downs and problems and it will be a roller coaster but that is life we live in a imperfect world we are imperfect but you wouldn’t have that torn feelings of why am I here and is it worth it all the time. I don’t know how many times I hear from people that they are mad, upset, hurt, angry at there boyfriend, girlfriend, wives, husbands, and it amazes me when I say “ well did you tell them how your feeling” “ no” “ well why not?”

Granted I am working on this one myself, you see I am the opposite though for me the problem is I ignored my needs for years completely so its hard for me sometimes to even know them. The one thing I know I need and thank goodness I found was someone who could call me out, someone who could tell me when I was in the wrong.

Being an object makes life difficult, being attractive you may think is sooooooo wonderful and you wish you could be me, I get letters and remember the grass is always greener over here then over there. Because beauty is a curse as well as a gift, because it in our world it is valued, I never had money, I came from a lower middle class family the reason I was able to move so easily so quickly from place to place city to city was because I knew beauty opened doors, and when I was 17-19 that was all I had to open doors, that was what I had to use. I had many other gifts but I was more protective over them. My music, my writing, my creative energy I wasn’t about to sell so easily, taking photographs to me never made me sell out my music or writing. In fact the reason you are reading this the reason I am able to say what I want, I can write what I want I can make the music I want was because I used my beauty to create a way for me to be able to maintain control over the other aspects of my work.

Some people women older ones say it is wrong to use it, but my attitude has been if you have been given gifts and you don’t use them it is just as bad or worse. Granted I made some mistakes many mistakes along the way. But for me creating a picture was a much better way to create a road then to sell out or to do as many do and try to sleep their way through life. I know many girls who do this who go from one boy to another to another, whoever can feed them or give them a break, I could never do that, I had people tell me the reason I wont make it is I wouldn’t play the game. Well I would rather make my own way then play that game, so that is why I am here. I have freedom here, yes that is why I love the Internet I don’t have to play the silly games here.

Silly games based of fear
Rules are often based on fear
Religion is a perfect example
Because if people really knew and accepted the truth the church would not be the powerful instruction and system it is so therefore they use fear, to keep people walking in line.
Keep people afraid and asleep and they will do as you say they will follow the leader without questioning them. Wake them up and then they may question things and find it wasn’t as they said it was.

Basically
We live in a world
That somehow has turned into one big thing trying to unplug us from our natural state

You see it everywhere

It’s easy to stop
Just turn it off walk away and start by looking inside
Rather then outside

Music of the day

David bowie
Brian Eno
Phillip Glass
twin peaks soundtrack
bjork
sigur ros
portishhead
gggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
mozart
beethoven
the cure
depeche mode
ok so thats some of it

Any more ideas

On four hours of sleep
And green tea
I like the state of lack of sleep it is a bit like being high

Ah hahJ
I am a drug addict
Yes yes I am not downloading hundreds of songs
Oh my goodness I am never going to run out of new music yippppppppppppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I love technology

Music is good for the soul by the way

2003-03-31T00:12:00.000-08:00

i am writing in a real journal
sorry
today
it was raining
inside out
outside in

digging digging pushing pulling

i find it
i see you

life is what you make it
or dont make it

for me life lately has been me dealing with emotions in the real world outside of art
took a bit to re-adjust

during the re adjusting all my focus went to me
people kept telling me

" just focus on you"

i disagree if i just focus on me i get all tangeled up

i used to basically put myself aside all the time because i learned that if i didnt i would get wrapped up ( as i have for months on end)
so bad stuff happened so what join the club----it dosent give me a right to become only wrapped up in me---

so lately i have been feeling a bit stuck
what next where next
now it all makes sense it is time for me to stop
because i used my being to young
to messed up
to destructive
to this
to that
as a crutch
nope i cant do that see i have a broken leg

now i sit at a wall
again
jump
again
am i ready
i look back
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm well i cant go back there so i can only go forward
granted
i am 6 months ahead of what you see as always
your behind me a bit
i keep it that way on purpose--------

so i sit again and see again where i got distracted again, the good thing is even with my distractions even with my little issues i still manage to get allot done
but not as much as i can or could
because i was created to create i have ideas visions that i 90 percent of the time carry out ----each time i finish one bunch i get another so for years i have been following the leader

then it got to this year
no your kidding
i cant do that
nope
i am too weak to frail to messed up and yet i kept moving forward i had to i have to if i dont i die

so i learned how to keep drugs away, achohol, eating disorders, blah blah
but i forgot about the biggest one
my ability to become self centered

guess what
selfish makes bad art
makes hollow crap
nope
not good energy
nope not at all

so i saw it and started trying to undo it
i go i sit i watch people
i put myself into there lives

try to reconnect to others so i can listen so i can put them first
not me them

people tell me i need to put me first me putting me first only got me in messes so i am not listening to that advice, i wont be a doormat but i am making an effort to put others

i didnt see it now i see it everywhere----ugh--------i know how it happened years of having to survive alone, on my own, but i was always feeding others. i was always happy feeding others, it made me happy to give, not to get, now it is the same,
i dont need things, people asked me what i wanted for my birthday---i wanted to say peace on earth but i know i am out of luck---i dont want things---things take away my energy my time---less is more-----

i dont want gifts---now back to being self centered-------i remember when i was younger and i developed the way of thing happened and you just kept moving people die people hurt you , you forgive , you let go you move on, and i did
then i stoped
took a good look back
and and acknowledged it all
ok so i did that
so now in thearpy every week they keep dragging things up
i am going in there next week saying i am sick of digging up caskets
how can i improve me now
who i am now
how can i work on me
instead of talk about them
i cant change them
i can change me

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
look i am going back to work
the work i love
the work i want to do
the work that inspires me
that work is creating and giving
and bouncing
and going and spreading
learning
and sharing

-----------------------------------
ok so i recovered i am over recovering or are we always recovering and growing
--------
being sad is normal
being happy is normal
there is nothing wrong with me if i cry
or if i laugh
its all me
-------------------------------------------
as a child i could love everyone else so easily
i had no fear no need for them to love me back
the act of loving of giving made me happy
nothing changed except i forgot that
when i forget that it messes up my whole world
cause taking always leaves me empty
makes me self centered cause you can never get enough
---------------------------------------
its just like do unto others as you would have them do to you
i wrote a song about that
funny now my life is about that
-----------------------------
but i have to do it too
if i want people to care about me and step out for me and be honest with me and open i have to do it. i also hide many parts of me
my art my writing is a huge portion of me yet it is something i hide
i show you but i dont share it
i always wanted to
i have shared it
------------------
my insecurity keeps me from sharing it
yes i am insecure with my work
its never good enough ---------i am insecure because i am being self centered
you say how?
well its simple if i was truly self-less sharing would be a no brainer
but the reality is the insecurity is a form of being self-centered
so now i look at the gifts i hide- the things i could give---there are lots of them---i am insecure so many ideas many gifts i dont give to people---insecure afraid of rejection---but being afriad of rejection causes us to be self-centered preventing us from being able to really give----therefore it is a block
-----------------
block must go
where is the chainsaw
i wonder whats next

by putting others people
and the work i do first
the rest falls into place
---------------
its when i start putting me first
things fall apart
not saying dont take care of yourself
not at all
thats a given

-------------------------------++++++++++++++++++++++++_______________________++++++++++++
more
latter
bed time

2003-03-26T23:08:00.001-08:00

2003-03-26T23:08:00.000-08:00

i wish you could make aol show something besides war on it

2003-03-24T09:19:00.000-08:00

this world is amazing
yesterday i was trying to avoid taking my daily rest
no God I dont want to stop working I need to do music
outside
no I want to work
I argued I laid down vocals to mute I started working on them and then the computer crashed
what?
why?
it hasent crashed in two weeks it has been perfect
" no God I dont want to stop I am creating I dont want to rest"
i re booted the computer my way of telling God I was ignoring him
two seconds latter it crashed for no reason again
i did it too more times
" fine i will stop"
becareful what you ask for i asked God to be very direct with me so I got the message cause I am hard headed as we all know and i ignore them sometimes

so it is not the first time it happened today i will turn on my computer and it will be perfect
thats what is amazing

so i went out open open open
ouch too much energy
breathe
peoples feelings are like waves that pass through me i feel it in my body and needless to say the subways are a bit overloading
what to do
my whole life i was like this my parents idea was to kill the feeling the sensitiveity ignore it shut it off i tried i tried for years i have come to aknowledge i can not turn it off i try and it finds its way to be regardless so now now at 21 years old i have laid the drugs which didnt work anyways aside
i laid the pain aside
i turned off the tv
i have quit cutting
quit all my numb nations
and now i go out and i am open and i am not numbing it and its not easy
ok out stay conected
the energy is out of the box and people feel it i cant explain it but it is there------so i discovered in other cultures this energy this force field these emotions this sesitivity was prized , it was respected it was nourished
not here in america the world of NUMB NATION one nation under our god of tv and money
mute blind deaf unplugged from souls plugged into tvs into drugs into working all the time into all kinds of things which kill your soul

so now i detach myself from all the crap most live on
i unplug my pacifers
its amazing becoming alive again
its amazing feeling tingles all over
i take the good with the bad
the awareness gives me the ability to see
to see to feel to feel to create to express to dream to fly to soar
in the subway i am inside of them
we are all one
i move and i feel what they feel
my soul goes out and feels there souls
many are unhappy
lonely
depressed
bored
restless
hopeless
angry
bitter
some are happy i see the lights in the old indian people
who smile
i think of there dinners with there rice and long talks
the red dot on there heads
they all smile
warm
like curry
he he
then there is the big boy with the accordian
i have seen him a few times
he makes an honest living
from the bronx
better then selling dope
he smiles
he trys to uplift the people
some glare
some say shut up i am misreable
some smile
some accept his love
others tell him to go to hell
he walks by i smile
connect dot smile leave exchange
then out i go up the stairs to my secret garden
i walk through the uptow bed stu
like the place its raw real i like real people sit around on street corners dancing to boom boxs boys play basketball talk about a dollar fifty ball
girls wear heels the boys cat call
want a working man
under the bridge the birds fly with me around me aware of them they sing they dip out of nowhere
to the gate inside the garden

peace swollows me whole
deep and i sink into my skin i feel the sun the grass here i am most comfortable here i am real a real girl maybe i was a cat in my last night i prowls the gardens i enjoy seeing the flowers about to bloom not yet but soon
soon they will and it will be beautiful i go prowling
i look over i see a small squirl it stops looks at me
i wonder up sit on a rock
pearch like a bird high above i look over i see it again
the squirl looks at me " eeeee" it was talking to me, it kept talking to me, i having an insane rang of vocals can speak back, the note is really high, in fact i dont know if everyone would hear it, then again being a musician my sense of sound is more then usual hyper aware
so then we talk
amazing
you have no idea what it was like, it was better then drugs, better then tv, not better then sex with mittens but thats another story
so then i see things , falling into my soul little beautiful words, truth brought to me by nature, here it is peace, here it is natrual here there is no war no bombs no people yelling killing cutting hurting each other -----------i sink into the rock i feel the energy pulsing around inside
as a child i grew up in a war zone
so i lived in the woods
there i would recharge
there i would reconnect my soul my body my mind i never feared nature
nature was heaven
i remember when my aunt was dying one night i went roaming no map no light no guide in the 500 acers behind us because there i found peace no peace at home no peace but there
i would lay in the water for hours for days and it would wash over me and it was heaven i would lay naked in feilds and soak up the sun and dream and read and have visions nature would teach me, i would climb the trees and pearch above and observe, i would communicate with deer with birds with snakes
i had my dogs who would roam with me protect me, from humans cause nature never harmed me

so where along the line i got sucked out of my world of nature and thrown into the concrete jungle i was like an animal my sense were like an animal, as a child i felt my parents moods far away i knew when i had to hide to run to be afraid, i sense them and so often i would flee
in the real world i was the same i would sense peoples feelings and could feel what they felt
it was devloped in the woods with the animals because it is how i communicated through feelings with my pets, with nature, with deer so of course i thought humans were the same
but they wernt
i would sense there true feelings and they would be speaking lies and i would then tell them i knew what they were feeling this freaked most people out isolating me further so i began to shut up to hide it to not say anything
it broke me cause i always knew and often would let people hurt me anyways because i would see that deep under the layers of anger of pain of bitterness of lies was a soul like mine like the animals a soul that wants love a soul that loves I would always see the little child the little child the little beautiful wide eyed child, I would see it in everyone. So when I left my world of the woods the concrete jungle replaced the trees and people replaced the deer.

I would see the child, the beauty in all things, in all people so I was open to them all, because of this those most ran from I had no fear of, I had no fear because I would see the child in the beast. So I at 17 went in to try to bring the child out, of everyone, of all the beast and so I went in to try to nurture them and bring the child out. Open the box and pull out there true selves.

So I did but I didn’t understand how the rest of the world had become numb and so they didn’t feel. So I went in to help and got eaten alive, because I didn’t know that unlike animals if you reach out your hand to love them, they may try to eat it off.

So then I was in shock, complete shock and hopelessness, I didn’t understand it didn’t make sense. The pain never killed my soul cause I would always see the child so it never became hate, the beast would take a chunk out of me and I would bleed, I would cry I would feel my pain and there pain, I would keep moving.

But it made me lock up, it made me hide my love, my soul, it made me build one hell of a wall cause I was bleeding too much. So I became a wolf, I learned how to appear as them as a hunter as a wolf. I learned how to keep all my energy inside, I learned how to turn it off and become unseen, to survive, so to speak………

I would come out like a deer when I knew I was safe so like an animal some knew me, some saw me, all of me, those who did became often protective, which in ways is the very reason things stopped happening, I was adopted by many who had been around longer who understood me who understood my ways, and then they started to educate me. They were all much older, and had been dealing with this there whole lives.

So between that and books and therapy and the fact that now I learned how to let them know yes I love you but I will not let you eat me. I am not prey sorry no more, now I have learned many things, and trust me my senses are more then before because now I feel those who have the same traits as those who came before. Those with the same weakness that is all it is hunters are weaker then prey they have to hunt to exsit they have to feed to survive, they don’t understand that all the energy is already there cause there souls are dead,

So when I feel a dead soul usually I feel compassion, but when I feel a dead angry bitter I will eat you soul it is like I get sick inside- the problem is there are allot of dead bitter angry souls in new york that eat people and its hard because it has been overload for years. Now at last I have learned that they cant eat me, but its like being around sometimes feels like I am walking with the wolves

So anyways after the park I was sent back to the world
I was in the train
Picking things up
I now don’t reject it I take it in I’ll use it for music
Take all the feelings make them sound

The man sat across from me
Bleeding soul
Eyes red medication in hand
He is dying
Inside and out
He is slipping
Fear hopelessness
Ouch
Ouch

Something says talk to him
I cant I am scared
Still not there yet
Scared of what I asked myself getting off the train
Scared of what?

Then I thought of it, there is nothing to be afraid of if I had reached out gave him a smile something it may have changed his hopelessness
But I was afraid
The world conditions us to be afraid
To reach out to reach in to speak from the heart
The world steals our feelings
YOU HAVE THE SAME THING I DO
You just turn it off
We all have it

In time I will be there again
I went to meet dave
We went to hear the teacher
The only one in new york I’ll listen to
Most are hyprocrites and liars
Most make me sick, he dosen’t
He speaks the truth

Bush needs to shut up about God
He has it all wrong, he is giving God and his real children a bad rep
He is making people hate God and Christianity
Between him and the priest molesting little boys I am surprised people aren’t bombing churchs and burning them to the ground
Frankly the thought has crossed my mind a few times but that is because the God I know speaks of nothing but preserving human life, protecting, uplifting, breathing hope, love inspiration, creation into humans, not murder, not greed, not anger, not JUDGEMENT------WHO are we to JUDGE who are we to KILL who are we to DESTROY who are we? We are all the same we are all fallen Bush is not following God he is following the god of gold of silver of money of power, he is not acting like a child of God
His actions will not go unseen there will be consequences they will not be pretty, it makes me sick I wont even listen to him speak because it is lies , lies and anyone using God as a reason to KILL is seriously mislead the word says turn the other cheek love those who hurt you, it says PERSERVE LIFE AT ALL COST but here we have our leader speaking of God and Gods will and he is lying it is not Gods will, it is YOUR will Your EGO your greed speaking, ---------------------and back to this who are we to say anyone is evil --------so I watch the world it is insane, the man has lost his mind, he is not right. WE ARE NOW INTERNATIONAL CRIMINALS we are now basically acting as Hitler, Bushs way or no way, why don’t we just bow down and serve you, so now lets think ahead
Whats next
Anyone who dosent play bushs way yes why don’t we just face it Bush is trying to help the one world government along --------who is the leader who is the king of the hill well lets see-----so lets see there will always be an excuse, I don’t believe them, the tv is fiction the news is fiction prove to me any of it is real and I will shut up but until then just watch I may be wrong but I have a feeling he is playing chess and the goal is to rule the world by money, by business, by economics,
By controlling the money he can control the world
By controlling the goods

I hope he get this he needs to leave God out of it-------nothing makes me more upset then people using God as a reason to kill-------------------

So anyways this is my voice
Take it or leave it
I wont shut up this is my site if you don’t like it
I understand
If you think I am mad
Thank you because anyone whos life revolves around tv is not a life I want to live

Someone needs to say it
I will step up==if we don’t start paying more attention to our souls and less attention to greed money and the tv you will wake up one day dead and not be very happy
Life is short
Don’t stay asleep
Wake up it isn’t so bad

To be real

2003-03-23T08:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I woke up
Feeling better from the night before
Cleansing your body is a quick way to get back on track it is a known practice throughout history in many countries. Fasting and cleansing will usually get rid of or clean out any issues. So I woke up and I wrote and I listened to music I have discovered and underground world of music and now I am like a drug addict between making music and listening I think I am traveling the world around in circles. I take a stroll by the ocean in la I ride to the top of the sky all without leaving my room which may or may not be a good thing but music is a source of inspiration a source of energy a source of hope for me. I felt a bit uneasy but ok, so before I went I stopped I mediated I remembered why I was going in why I was going back why I was going there.

I left there around a year ago because I had created a monster the monster was like a bad little girl and got out of control, so I had to kill the monster and start all over I had to remember who I was and why I was doing what I did. So the old me died and I have been cleaning house ever since. The thing was I developed two sides
There is me here the heart the soul me jillian the dreamer the visionary the artist the musician who feels like my head got wired into all of yours somehow. But then I got hurt ( life does that you know) I got hurt because I was like a black sheep I wondered out of safty ( hey God I am putting you in the closet and I am going to go play in the world) so because I was hurt confused I became a rebel, I took on the ok I am hurting inside I need release how do I release the pain too much pain overload.
Overload is what happened inside overload
And so then I was taken into one form of release after another, ( God was in the closet ) I would go and try to fix my pain alone, by whatever I could find to release it, it started as a child with banging my head on the wall, then it went to running till I would collapse, or writing, or playing music, but then as the creative outlets were removed the healthy outlets were taken away because of punishment or fear I turned to whatever I could find which was razor blades and whatever abuse I could inflict. Because the pain inside was more then I could deal with and emotions were taboo in the family ( stop crying they would scream a bit of a counter active statement but my parents are human as we all are) so anyways so back to releases then cutting wasent enough and I would do it simply for the release, I would slice and then the pain would be taken away. Then I would usually crawl in the closet and find my little space. Little space was a place I found inside whenever something happened severe wheter it was inflicted by others or myself I would find this sense of peace inside I call it my little space. It was a place where I was feed by some form of energy so no matter how I tried or anyone else nothing would destroy me I would always be recharged, lifted up. So I got used to the up and down of life.

So I left home out of fear confusion pain running cause that was all I knew. Then I went out and the releases became more intense more severe but it was like no matter how I tried to destroy I would be feed afterwards no matter how many things happened it was like my soul was taken and plugged in and put back in place full again. I can only thank the ones above because it may not be clear to you but to me it was pretty clear they took me latterly under there wings.

So the drugs didn’t work, and I pushed drugs, most are pushed by drugs I pushed drugs. I pushed them and they lost it is sad to say but my experince with drugs was more like a conquering. I looked at them, and said so you are what the world is addicted to? You destroy many why? And some of my drugs use of why and I found the only way for me to find the ansewer was through trial and error so part of me dipped my hand in to understand part of me was doing it to numb the pain part of me was doing it to try to self destruct. Part of me was running from God running saying you cant use me see I am all messed up and then I would try to continue to run but again I would go and take twenty four hits of e and consume ghb and meth on top of it and I would watch as I slipped from conciousness I watched as the spirit world became real and I would slip from this world
Ok see God I am dead I am dying nope cant use me see I am going to die
I got so close I got to the connection there is an after life I wanted proof so at 17 years old I found it because you think you don’t believe anything I was ten times worse I didn’t believe anything till I took it to the fire till I pushed it till I tested it I questioned everything I questioned everyone because it was the only way I could be sure my faith was real and I questioned God pretty harshly in fact I don’t know why I didn’t get a lightening bolt instead of a little space.

Cause my whole life religion was shoved down my throat and what I saw did nothing but make me think it was a big country club run by greed and self glorification that used God as a crutch from there problems and to make them feel better. I saw them condemming judging and destroying more then healing enlightening or helping, I was an outcast I was not accepted I was pushed into the corner I was told to shut up and sit still I was told to not question I didn’t see very much love I saw a bunch of people who used Christianity as a way to make them feel better like a pill.

So when I left I had no desiere to ever go back, ok God so if your real where are you? Cause I don’t see you in religion. So I like many others went to clubs dropped e and found God in music in drugs in nature. Cause at least there I felt love, cause I didn’t feel love in the cold system, I felt a system, I loved churchs when it was empty cause it was quiet , peace, quiet……..there you are I feel the connection

So then needless to say I was the black sheep that knew the bible inside out
So it says no matter how far I fall you will still love me ok then I am falling and I fell and fell and then back to 17 , so there I went between here and there, yes there is a tunnel and I get about half way and I hear “ Your not done yet” “ your going back”
But I don’t want to go back I want to be there I want to be safe I want to be in the little space all the time, the world is cold and I am broken I don’t want to live please let me come there I said and I was crying but it didn’t matter

I was in a coma
I woke up almost two days latter I remember I woke up and it was like something breathing life into me, I rose out of bed and looked around, glass on the floor shelves fallen, I was wet, brusies all over I remember my body was tingeling, but it was like something giving life to me again it was pretty insane to experince. So then I walk into my living room and there are three of those who always seem to be around they are the people who are always saving me somehow it never fails that they are falling into my life just when needed.

Then look at me and say “ if you ever do that again” I felt there pain, there pain for me, and then they told me how I was gone and they had to bring me back but then I wasent coming around so they thought I was going to be in a coma. I being underage, them being like me high no one called the police or took me to the hospital but one of them just so happened to be a emt what a coincidence ….

So needless to say the cat got a life back you get seven so be good missy and your using them up quickly

So anyways back to proof that was all I needed after that I didn’t doubt there was a God and he cared, I just doubted me cause I knew I was never good enough.

So back to releases
Drugs went to workaholic went to pain went to eating disorders to drinking to bad relationships, one after another
We all do it
We all have our vice
I have had them all taken them for a ride cause I always do that I push things to the sky all things sometimes its good sometimes its not but it is the way I am when I am not on the floor being wound in pity or self blame or shame or guilt

So anyways it took me 21 years to learn it isn’t about good or bad but rather love and once I woke up to that
The shame the blame the guilt the fear the pain has started to be replaced
Once I learned I wasent loved because I was good but because I was loved
Once I learned I couldent get rid of God or escape his love
Cause it came after me I was running and running and it never left
So when I would stop and look for it I would find it there
As always

I don’t get it look at how bad I have been? You see because I like most bought the line they feed to control you because most religions have altered the message. Cause anyone who takes time to find the message or the truth on there own and test it on there own and question it on there own will find the truth and its sad that most so called teachers are not teaching it. Cause its simple it is about love
You say prove it, there are two passages in the bible that say “believe in yourself” there are 42 that say “believe in God there “ and 710 about love and 492 about faith……..so I suppose that is my point

So yesterday I was took my moment of silence and then out the door
Boots school girl skirt
A bit of a freak
Freak in a good way
Then I check my messages and there was one from mittens he is in LA I miss him, think of him often he is really beautiful to think of his message was a happy little message which made me smile, I’m looking forward to seeing him again here or there or wherever, he sounds happy which made me happy so needless to say it gave me a huge smile.
It was 68 degrees I hear people in the train it was a beautiful day people were happier then before on Friday. So then I am at first avenue I meet rob we get a salad and then there we arrive.
A year a go being at this place caused me to have nervous breakdown cause I saw the truth I had to change I had to get out cause it had become a negitive. So now I go back to see what happened what change took place what effect my work had,

Work? Yes my work which has nothing to do with what you think it does if you really know my work then you are looking past the surface. Cause I wasent called a firestarter for nothing as a child.
I took care of confronting and facing those who I needed to before I saw them I sent the letters I had forgiven I had ripped through things to find the truth so I walked in without fear without any hesitation. They came so many I keep forgetting how many people I know, then one by one I saw it, they had been touched moved affected.

As I listened I saw tears not out of pain, but because I was there because I came back because I love allot of the those people and I don’t care what anyone thinks they don’t know them like I do. So there I find some who I had pushed years ago who have changed there lives, 180s those who went after there dreams those who took my words and now have done things that make me smile. Those who got out and went after what they always wanted. Those who are on there way out, those who stayed but have changed the way they do things, new rules, new limits, respect, those who have been bringing more art into it. So I went back to find that I had a huge group of people who are supportive in ways that are not usual not normal not what the world would expect from the outside.

But it all goes back to love, cause it didn’t matter who it was I was around work or not what mattered was if they were ok, if not why
Back to why
Always why

The things I feared are gone, because those who could be doing something to profit are not, the negitive was turned around
It worked

The conversations were many
Many
Many the projects I am doing next are going to further my work for it is about trying to create safty there as much as possible, for the strong are more aware to protect the weak as much as possible just as the new and young know to go to the older wiser the ones who are in the position of power now see it as a responsibility to watch out for the girls, which is good, it is good to hear that when someone is hurt when a girl is abused that there is that protection,
The black book project will be soon enough
It is coming together
Slowly for part of me going back was to see the state the climate the situation

In the bathroom a girl opens up and begins to cry
Her tears her words were mine I was her once
I want to help her get out she is not the only one there are many
I am doing what I can I know what I can do
we can all transend it isn’t easy but we can do it cause you never fall off the face of the earth

mittens now has a reputation now, all the girls I used to hang out with all the time, drink tea with talk about doing music with, have girl talk with were all there, all the big hearted artsy strange beautiful little girls who all seem to have similer lives ask and we speak, they speak of there lives, I am blessed, I am a very happy women, I adore mittens, most don’t seem to have that, why are you there? If it is love I understand, but for most it isn’t, for most it is like a release a drug a pill a fix

so now he is the idol of a bunch of womenJ I hope he dosent mind, he has fans now. Pretty funny if you think about it, the women who are all mens idols are fans of mittensJ he he
ok enough anyways
well maybe not fans respect is the word

one girl asked well are you still seeing girls too? Cause most knew me in my stage of girls only phase, no we are just with each other,……I know why she was askingJ but she unlike a guys never brings it up againJ

so anyways
most go work on music and cleaning the room and going to the park and talking to God a bit

I took angels to a bondage convention
Most of it was ok
I did feel sad though sometimes for some of them who seem trapped who don’t want to be there--------that’s what I feel sad for-------
I feel sad for the girls who I hear stories from
About fashion photographers being bad-------I hate it when I hear about someone higher up on the food chain reaching there hand into the pile of starving little girls below them and promising them tables of food and telling them lies just to get them in a postion of vunrability. I hate it when I hear people who tall these girls they are going to help them and the only reason they did it was to prey on them because they know they are weaker and they are starving. It is even worse when it is one who I know the truth about I know her life I know what happened I know why she is there, and I know she has a good open heart of a child and so needless to say I have nothing to lose to go back and defend them. I work unseen though that’s the beauty of having a world based on wires. The thing is I go between many worlds most don’t the advantage is I hear more then most because most are stuck in one I have a finger in a few, always did cause they all affect each other. So needless to say he is someone who is in my world, who most likely had no idea she was as most have no idea how many people I know I didn’t know till I looked in my black book, good grief…and it grows and grows……needless to say what he did will come back to haunt him one way or another, I don’t know how but he wont be in the black book project, cause when I see little girls hovering in the corner crying it remind me why I have not just shut away the world I came from.

So I get home work on music talk to a photographer
Who tells me two more girls where raped by so called fashion photographers
Put them in touch with me, please, if they will I know a few people we can see what we can do, at least get them some therapy if they will go.

I see them the preditors, eating the lambs, they are not as unseen as they think they are----bad bad boys better stop cause the light isn’t off anymore its always like this a can of worms…….opens and then it all comes out the light comes on

Words are powerful
Word travels
The internet can be used to protect as well as to harm
Information is power
Wires carry it

Fast

So to create a way to make sure in the future when things happen
Information spreads like a virus
It is easy mailing list and knowing who to inform
Who will then inform the masses

Someone called me he is one of the more powerful ones roaming the earth

What have you learned he asked?

He wanted facts I couldent give him any, told me to work on moving forward so I am, how could I explain I understand how to use the internet now I am going to utilize what I know and put the machine to work

Most work for the machine
I understand how to make it work for me
But that is only because I understand it---------------------------------------------most don’t the internet is unlike tv it is controlled by people

2003-03-21T20:52:00.000-08:00

ok so i was sick
food made me ill
sugar made my body go into shock
then i went and tried to undo it
anything to calm it
to make me feel less shock
there most have been sugar in the fruit
or something in it
i tried eating vegtables
no didnt help
soy
nope
still feel like a cold sweat
dizzy
sick
so then to the bathroom
ugh---------
that wasent fun

that is the first time in a long time i have had that happen
usually my body can deal with sugar
but i had an empty stomch
i was hungry
starving
grabbed some dried fruit
thought it would be harmless

even though i was crAVING rice and advocado
or a salad

this is a lesson to me
listen to your body
sugar is bad
see

ok anyways
now i am still craving rice or an avocodo
but i will sleep it off
start again in the morning
next time no sugar

it happened to me once before
i was in miami
had a peice of cake
ended up feeling like i was dying

ok dont worry--------its just a lesson
be more aware of what is in food
------------

and listen to your body

2003-03-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

i am working on mute
it came to me like a lightning bolt
have way through it the heart spoke
outside to the cathedreal
no i dont
go
ok so there i go it is silent there
no one hits on me
no one talks to me
i share the huge almost building with a few bums
who sleep

the subways were very open rush hour and you could sit down
i look around every other person has luggage
people are all leaving to go away from the city
police everywhere fear haunts the eyes of the people, fear, confusion, pain, anger, all these emotions make me hurt
but i ride i have peace why because maybe i remember the sky the sea the things beyond all this chaos fear war lies
in the cathedreal

I talk to God alone there we talk about everything i bring up the things i see in myself i want to change he brings to me the things i need to see back and forth for an hour bringing up things from inside
love makes sense to me now love that is real love that dosent give up love that has compassion
love that knows empathy

there i mourn those who are being killed because of greed because of lies mourn for those who will not wake up who will never wake up
i go across the street
there in the tower there is a fountin
i had to use the bathroom
and because i asked i found a beautiful indoor sanctuary
wonderful i thought
then i walked

i got some dried fruit
sugar shocked my system
felt ill
talked to mrt in the west cost
he is like me
plugged into this strange current
that makes us feel what we cant see
see what most dont
feel more then we want to

he told me months ago of what is going on now we speak as brother sister

he will be ok
he is going through an awakening

now i am here
feel ill still
uneasy
nothing helps
not bad just sick
it wont go away
bad suger
i think i shocked my system
i think the dried fruit may have been too much sugar

2003-03-21T13:09:00.000-08:00

outside
i look gray skies
the heart says go
i run out as soon as i do
the sun starts to peek out from behind the clouds
thanks it s very nice of you to come out
to lift me up to shine down on me
to fill me with energy
pure untouched beautiful energy that cannot be taken away
cannot be compared
cannot be touched
it fills me from my toes to my fingers
pulsing
exploding
smiles
laughter
this is exstacy only it is free
i marvel at the sky so beautiful so perfect each cloud each bird
a work of art to be enjoyed
as is the body
movement through feeds the source
connected to the source of energy
this is what it is too be alive
very simple very beautiful very easy
all there in front of me
always has been it is just often i forget to see to touch to taste to smeel to experince everything i was given
now i do
thank you i say
anytime the sky says
i kept trying to tell you this life was better
but you were hard headed
yes i was
whats new
but now i understand now i know the truth i continue to learn each day

i walk home
take in the work of art of the world
the beauty in all things
let it out
i walk past the birds
the shadows linger
the smell of pine trees
the feeling of the sun on my face
this is being high
the kind of high
that never ends unless you turn it off
we make that choice

the soul feels sees and experinces the treasures of life
if we listen if we stop if we allow ourselves to be here in the present in the now
it is not easy but each day little things happen that lift the soul to the sky then you feel the high
of being connected
with the most beautiful force
a force that never ends

like my writing
it goes on and on
:)
then i see the man
sad man
old man
lives in the basement he looked like he wanted to die----i see despair i see fear i see a crushed heart--
then the soul says stop and smile say hello ask him how he is, he glares at me--1-2-3 ok fine--i jump i make eye contact--push out what i just got feed from around me----
he at first was a bit shocked---as i was looking into him ---then he opened up---how are you? he looks at me---then we talk for a moment---it is beautiful outside look at the sun it is shining on you---enjoy it---i smile his glare melts his eyes light up he smiles---he looks at me........how are you? puzzeled most have thought i was crazy ...i am wonderful:) have a good day--------
i went inside
the soul spoke again
now how hard was that?
ok good point i get it ok i am not afriad---you shouldent be---give let it out dont hide it---
ok got it ---

got to go
write music
so much more to say
fingers tingle
if you only could feel it
it would make everything else turn shades of gray

that is where i was for a long time
in gray land
not today
nope
and it was easy
i woke up and oppossed to just going through life as usual

i spent time and opened my soul
and put it first
connected it
feed it and then
started

it changed the whole day
from gray to super color

try it

you never know

2003-03-21T09:58:00.001-08:00

grrrrrrr
the muse
has attacked
in my sleep
opened eyes
eyes open
this that this that i see ok i get it
more please feed me
this that more and more and now there is so much to do to create to give to take from there and put it here

meanwhile we have to figure this out
this website is getting expensive to run
more on that latter

muse
mr muse

this war is a game show
a show that has very little to do with what they tell you
the tv is a liar
so is most the papers
brainwashing all of the people
bad brain washing
turn off your tv they want you to be scared
to be afraid
to have fear
fear fear be afraid
be afraid

once your afraid
then you will do whatever they say
here to protect you from these evil people put a chip in your hand
here to protect you we need to know everything

have you noticed the cameras
all over
the world
yes you in idaho
go look around outside
really look up and you will see them buildings telephone poles
everywhere
not just on highways
in your neighboorhood

would you like to know
they started those back in the early 90s
yes
then
they slowly have been doing it for 13 years
why? and why didnt they tell us
oh they didnt want us to know----

so now we have the system in place a system that has been being built for years
at least 15
most of my life
and why?

so we have 40 countrys in our whatever you want to call it
so now guess what anyone who opposses us is going to get bombed
yep
anyone who dosent want to be part of our new world order
is going to get destroyed
play our way or we will
kill your children
starve your country
blow up your citys

my my my
they of course will tell you they are going to harm us
oh yes
them harm us
let me for a second open your eyes

how many people die from obesity
cancer
suiced
depression
how many are pill popping dead zombies
how many die in car accidents
how many will die from aids
how many will die from being shot
acts of murder
violence
how many
way more
far more

way more
but does our goverment bother with those
no
we have to go after them

so now i will tell you my predication
i can may possible may be wrong but
so far
most have come to reality so take it with a grain of salt

the new world order
one world government
will be created by money, communications, trades, and bussiness, by money and power
in fact it is already very close for the reality is who is calling the shots these days

i dont blame bush
he is a puppet
he is just part of a much larger power
that is much smarter
much more intune

they are unseen
of course
isnt that the way it always works

so back to this
my point is go about your lives
dont let them make you so afraid
its a game show
its a movie
like a sitcom

cause once your afraid you will do whatever they say

granted i keep up
i listen i watch
i dont care because i dotn ever want to have to be in a position where i am controlled by a box
a box

that can bring great joy
great inspiration
or destroy your life
the box is like a plug
your soul your mind your body is affected

what are you plugging into
why are you doing it
what does it feed you
if it feeds you fear
anger
hate
destruction
or ripes people apart
yelling
fighting
screaming
pointless sex
pointless lives
in circles
living for what
why
is that what you take from the box
does it make your soul full or leave you drool dripping wanting more
more more more
never enough
never enough
more sex more skin more drugs more money, more power more war more hate more anger
more more more never enough
why
how come the happiest people i know
have nothing
i used to be that way i still sometimes struggle not to return
numb my soul with something give me something to make me feel good
it all leaves you empty
not the good empty:)

turn the thing off go outside
pick up a pen
go live
---------or at least feed your mind with knowledge
music
hope
beauty
discovery
explore
use it
DONT LET IT USE YOU
hello
call me crazy but i am happy
why
because i woke up
i am alive
a real girl
not a puppet
------------------------------
USE IT
USE IT
DONT LET IT USE YOU
CAUSE IT will leave you saying
never enough
never enough
speaking of food i am making some give me sometime
http://www.shoutcast.com/

there is some food
go eat something
diffrent
better then junk food
speaking off its going to kill you
or at least make you turn into a medicated lump

sheep fattened for the slaughter
----------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.veganporn.com/

he the site is funny
i am happy
dont be offended
i speak what i feel
life is short

2003-03-21T09:58:00.000-08:00

2003-03-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

heaven touched me in a phone call
i was feeling lost
alone
in my room
looking for music
feeling a bit sad
over the war
over the pain
over the stuff i feel moving in the world
picked up the phone
called for david

connected with moon boy
who was on fire
hello
he opened heaven
oh my goodness
everything i could want
4,000 songs
i never heard
amazing
amazing
the internet is amazing
and all the new toys
nw toys
for me to play with
yipppppppppppppppy
this music isnt pop'
wake up people why the heck are you writing the same things over and over and over
which tecnology we can make music
that feeds the soul
feeds the heart
makes people heal
music can heal the soul
giddy kitty sees fires burning
i carried it there
in december
now it is huge
burning holes in the dark
breaking walls
music is the new message
now he speaks
there is something going on down here
it is positive
energy is transfering
it is changing people and spreading
like a virus
spread baby spread
carried by the wings of music
the wings of hope
the wings of love
it is love from above now transfered through sound, those who create for that reason understand exactly what i mean so while the world is falling down and people are feeling hopeless music can come in and remind them of life of more of something beautiful something they can feel the movement is underground at the moment but it will not be for long it has been building in numbers buildign in strengh tecnology is God putting the power back to the artist back to the messagers there are sevreal they pop up i know them they know me we are starting now to work together silently building creating and then it goes from us to you directly granted it is still underground but it wont be there for long cause the time is coming when it has to break out from below and it will and once it does it will carry the same energy that is pushing through the walls--
what is beautiful is
it is strong
it is swift
it is unseen
it is a force
that is like electricity
carried
by the same wires
that spread a desies
you know if they had known
that the very thing they create that has ripped people apart
will be the same thing that is bringing them back together-----------
back to music
back to heaven
-------------

2003-03-20T06:53:00.000-08:00

I hold onto my dreams, I pull the strings back into my head, I hear the radio in the distance the horns honking the babies screaming the bombs exploding the dogs barking the souls screaming into my dream I visited mittens said hello took a walk in a park went around I cannot bring all of that dream piece back to mind, where are you, I say looking it is there it is a memory just like a waking memory only in sleep. I went to visit dawwn her and I talked she told me about a café I don’t know why but I went there alone there I sat and no one was around I wasent hungry, I had my microphone I was writing and I wanted to record vocals I went to the waiter and asked him if I could he said well I would let you but soon there are going to be lots of people here. So the peace would be gone so I packed up my microphone and I left, and then I was going over a hill, over a mounting then I was back in Atlanta or somewhere and I was in a garage and there was a creepy guy there rolling around in the dirt on the ground asking me questions like if I was happy this way , he was trying to get me to stop to join him I wanted to run but was stuck in the room then I got out I don’t remember how, I was then with Simons mom, we were having dinner and she looked at me and said “ he always wore his heart outside his chest” and I looked and I saw him “ his emotions always rules him “ “ he always felt everything” I sat there drinking tea with his mom and when she said that I felt a pain inside I used to be like that I want to be like that then part of me felt remorse but wait since I was feeling I was becoming more real. Then needless to say I woke up, slowly tried to hold my dream.

The thoughts of yesterday come creeping back eating dinner was impossible for I don’t watch the news or read the paper but as I sat trying to eat my stomach felt sick, I kept seeing and feeling little children crying seeing babies torn from life, seeing souls swept away seeing the destruction. I was there in the town there I don’t know how there I am somehow feeling things on the other side of the world. I mourn, for it is only the beginning I mourn for what is happening is a far greater work of destruction and far more complicated far more orchestrated. I mourn because growing up deep inside I knew things saw things it was an understanding that was planted within. Now that understanding that originally was mealy something within my soul has manifested.

For I will say it again I have said it before to those I know now I have no time to waste for the ones I really know are no different then this. The beast will be unseen beautiful and slowly so not to alarm humanity change things. The change has been in effect for years. It shocked me to read the bible and now what I didn’t understand makes sense. I have begun my research within other religions they all have many similarities.
People are asleep the TV, controls them tells them what to wear to buy to be.
The Internet consumes them, tears people apart, and destroys relationships. Neither the TV nor the Internet is negative in and of themselves but the abuse of them. People use them to escape reality or create a false reality.

But they keep most asleep UN aware keep them feed keep them from being awake. But there are those who are awake I am one of them sometimes I wish I could sleep but the thorn in my side keeps me on my toes. The thorn the cut the source is the very thing that has almost killed me and kept me alive at the same time. I feel the worlds pain I feel the joy to but I feel the pain I hear souls under bodies always have always will I tried to stop it tried to kill it tried to unplug, nothing worked. In ways it saved me, which I am thankful for because those who really hurt me I would see under there actions into the motive. Most of the motives were one way or another related to emptiness and hurt, brokenness and longing, which had turned into anger, and abuse because it was too much so they thought the only way to let it out was to scream or beat or rape so needless to say as long as I could always look past there actions it prevented my heart from dying. Granted my heart did go and stay under the glass.

My life became a TV show, for several years I have been about 10 percent connected. Like a TV I would take everything in around me, I could do that I could notice more with being 10 percent there then most could with all of themselves there. The other 90 percent of me was under the glass and would just pay enough attention to navigate. There were those who became real out of my TV show, David became real after I accepted he loved me and he was real and I loved him and it was real and that it didn’t matter if we messed up or hurt each other we still loved each other. So I was a real girl with David, all there happy, creative, sad,open,free, david was one of the few who saw me when I would go from laughing and running to there on the floor crying. “ why are you crying jillian? “ “ I feel all there pain” and he would let me be he understood he has the same kind of soul I would cry for a bit them get up and write music” the song inside out was because of that because I was crying for humanity and I wanted to show them to give them something. But usually for me to accept people were real I would try to kill me or them, because I didn’t believe they were real didn’t believe they could love me didn’t believe my tv show was reality and not a tv show. Ming looked at me, “ nothing registers” no it does but it is like a tv show.

Dawn still amazes me she lived with me for almost two years she stuck by me, she didn’t give up, and even after all that she wasn’t real when I started feeling things feeling she was real really real I pushed her away, your not real you cant be real, no one can love me. She and I didn’t see each other, she would reach out I would hide, you cant be real. Then one day I saw her and my heart was open, huge, massive wide, your real? You don’t hate me? Its ok I messed up? She just looked and me, of course its ok, I know you. So then that was it I never had fear never hid I was with her the way I am with david the whole range of feelings comes out and runs the boat no more tv show.

In my room I am real it is my sanctuary it is my safe place it has Christmas lights and books and music and I keep it safe-it is a sanctuary here I am real all the time. So it is strange when people come over because sometimes it trys to become tv land and it cant cause it is my sanctuary. Nature I love nature it is easy to be real in nature, the sun, the sky, the sea, the trees, parks, there my soul is out and connected.

The only thing that makes me have to always be out of the tv show are love and music. Those two things I refuse to do in the tv land so therefore now both of them are here and in full force which means I am having to destroy years of mechanisms. We all have them you have them just as much as I do we all do it. Many never wakeup men who go around beat there kids endlessly are usually so asleep they forgot to feel not only there own pain but the pain of there children.

So I started to work awhile ago chipping the glass, taking fire to it. Spending time now feeling the energy in my body, feeling it flow, noticing what makes it stop. Spending time now without the phone without emails in peace, in the present. The keyboard and these writings and conversations with those who are real who are close who I love.

Emotions are powerful I saw that as a child my emotions were capable of causing change when I channeled my energy. I toyed with them I got an ego at one point about them, I think in ways the lessons I learned happened for the reason of burning the truth into my soul. Because needless to say when I steped out of the light and said I want to control my life what happened next was one long trip into the darkside of the universe. If it was dark, if it was destructive I have taken it to its limit. I took everything as far as I could, drugs I did more then anyone, I was a tiny hundred pound girl who would shock people “ your inhuman” pain was nothing to me physical pain that was causing me to look at those who were the top dominatrixes in new york city and say “ you cant touch me” “ no amount of physical pain can top the pain I feel inside” my journey there was educational, to say I understand how things suck people in how it consume them how it destroys them it is from experince. Greed, pity, lust, drugs, money, power, think of all the things we crave all the things that are those things that try to control us if we let them……

But with each one I would let myself go as far as I could, in ways I wanted to push it, this is it? This is all you give me? This is as high as it gets? This is as fun? Then I would remember the feeling I got from the otherside of the fence when I would open my soul and connect to heaven. Your nothing but dust, and then I would have to kick and fight my way back to the surface. So none of them destroyed me because I kept my soul safe, my soul no matter how far I went down was still attached to a string that was always there, the string never detached, which means I would wake up in the beds of beautiful girls in million dollar house and hung over and I would feel a tug, and then I would be outside on the beach lifting my hand up, I hear you I know.

It wasent guilt it was more remorse it was like I knew I was just hurting myself and others. Because it may not be wrong but it isn’t helping anything. I think for me what it was is I was going the wrong direction. Music kept calling I kept ignoring it. I knew music required me to be completely real, music was my precious, my child, it is sacred I refused to touch it till I felt I had faced and batteled out many of the things that normally destroy people.

Because the reason I took drugs to an extreme was to in a way make myself sick of them, kill there power over me. So I pushed them, then when they left me empty I saw them for what they are. Granted someday I may drop a hit of e or do a line but it isn’t ever going to control me. Although now I respect my body and my body has memories of almost being dead, cause I took drugs to the level that should have killed me I tried to die I tried to use them to end but the string wouldent let me leave.

So now I cant use drugs, I don’t drink much, I got rid of all my ways of dealing with pain, all my non-healthy releases-I had them all whatever you can think of I used at one time or another and now the are all gone. Now they are replaced with mediation, running, writing, talking, love, I dig inside find the negatives and replace them with positives. Take the pain make it love. It’s a process and I will continue.

Music and love make me real that is why both of them where put aside till I healed from my marks from my romp on the darkside-because I didn’t want it to carry the destruction. Music can heal or tear down, lift up or destroy, it can open people up or close them off.
I am going to spend a large amount of time researching and proving some points over the next few years about music and energy. Music is the way the spiritual world is transferred to earth. The problem is so many have forgotten this music has become not about soul. The angels told me in ways even the structure of music can make people lose themselves.
If you can transfer someone to another place where are you taking them?

In order to do music I knew the world of tv land of dissassocation of living on 10 percent of my soul and mind had to end so when I moved to bed stu I started and now I am getting further day by day. The glass has to be melted. Because music is scared to me and I am the gurdian of the gift, God watchs me I have to watch the muse, not let her be used to destroy to lead people down, I did that once, and it was a mess, I see the consequences to this day it left me burned with there pain, because I watched those follow me and they weren’t me, they never got out it killed them.

Granted I go back I always go back if and I reach out and say I was wrong not that way. In ways my work is just that it is me saying no no try this way that way will kill you, I know I have been there. No I don’t know everything I am always learning it shocks me on how little I know, I just know pain and I hate it when I see it. Or feel it I know I cant stop it so now rather then sit around in it I try to reverse it. Because pain is energy it is fuel it is like taking it and running it through a machine that changes it and turns it into something beautiful.

Which is what I am trying to do
Because I cant stop what I feel
Each day I feel more
To feel to see the understand the state of humanity makes me awake being awake means I must try to do something

So little things I do like being a vegan, why eat more then you need? Everytime I eat I think of how many are not able to ------it makes me thankful and at the same time aware of the starving children, if all of America only ate what they needed and sent the rest to those who needed it we would all be happier and so would they

Little things in each of our indivual lives changes the world
When you feel like you want to hurt someone take a walk think about why? Then go back and tell them, don’t hurt them,

Little things like saying thank you

Little things like when you see someone doing something that is hurting themselves you don’t ignore it you say something

Little things like saying you care your there its ok and I accept you regardless

Many birds tell me these little things
I am taught by many who are wise
For I am still a child
Yet now those who I am around are all like rocks
One thing in comman integrity
That is what I am drawn to
It is visable to the soul
You see it with the third eye
In the world there seems to be less and less
Making it harder to find
The beauty is
If someone trys to fake it
It exposes it
J
integrity is a box of jewels
thieves always try to steal
it is the motive
why

why do you do what you do
why do you feel what you feel
do you follow your heart
I try to
Somedays its hard
Somedays it make me cry
Somedays it lifts me to the sky
It makes life intresting thoughJ

Got to go

2003-03-18T11:49:00.000-08:00

I have to share this with you

I was sitting, about to work on music. My heart said go outside, but I said, "No, I want to stay inside."

"No. go."

So, I listened and outside I went. The sun was shining. It’s a beautiful day in new york. spring is here and so is a new found energy. Outside I went.

I remember as a child how much I loved going out to play. if I had it my way, I would have my music studio in a room of huge windows so I could feel outside. So out I was and I was running. I ran to the park. the trees, the people, the sky all melted inside of my eye. The connection of my feet to the ground, my ears to the music I love (one of danny howell's cds) and then an open heart. Open and listening. Feeling. There, the moment was beautiful. the sky was clear bright. Freedom is always like this. always the same. it is like sugar. Like food to a starved animal. Freedom comes from letting go.

It easy to let go if you really mean it and really try. It is painful, but it is worth the feeling afterwards. So then I hear my heart go and stretch and dance. Okay Mr. Heart, you're getting much louder these days.

"Well, you're not shutting me up."

"Oh. I get it."

So, there I was and I was lifting my hands to the sky and there before me was a rainbow.

Wait a second. it is 2:00 pm. there isn’t a cloud in the sky. Granted, I would have been more disturbed except this happens to me a lot. I remember the first time. I was a child. I was outside running and dancing and there it was. I dragged my mother outside, "mom, there aren't any clouds. Why is there a rainbow?"

My mother looked at me and said, “ I don’t know.”

My heart said, "Don’t worry. it’s a good thing." So then it happened again, and again, and then the most potent time was once when I was with dawnn. we were driving back from Miami and I had been battling things all night. I spent many hours in the car crying, trying to make sense. nothing made sense. then it went from not making any sense to becoming clear.

I had gotten on the wrong path and the crying, the struggle, the battle was the part of me that liked it and didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to see that I had fallen. I had gone astray. It was my self destructive side. it was my shadow side. and I knew I couldn't let it stay but it took me many hours to really see that. Then I saw it and I felt broken.

We stopped at a gas station and for some strange reason, the keys got locked in the car. dawnn, who knows me really well, saw me going through it and understood as she has a soul like mine. Awake. So as she tried to talk to the people about fixing the car, I, breaking inside because I saw the truth, told her I was going across the street to the field. There was a field and it was my haven. alone there, I took my heart out and looked at it. Okay, so now what do I do?

This way, and it was the way that was a 180. it was a way of taking responsibility for my actions. I saw the truth. it broke me.
Okay, "so, God, I made a big mess. I don’t know how to fix it" and I suppose it was then when I said "I made a big mess" and was searching for truth, that I looked up and there was a rainbow. a huge, beautiful rainbow and once again my logic said I was mad but, no, other people saw it too. So then I accepted it and allowed the beauty and peace of the moment -- the beauty of a moment of heaven reaching down and touching earth -- to move me.

Then in times when I felt lost, or it was too dark, I would and still always remember the rainbow. God says, "what do you want me to do next? part the ocean?"

"No really that’s okay. I see you. it's cool. don’t worry. I know you're out there. It's just sometimes I forget. I doubt. I get unplugged"

That’s what kills people. Not doubt. Not fear. Not guilt. Not sin. None of those matter.

Mary had an angel standing in front of her telling her stuff and she said, “I don’t believe you.”

granted, if I had something standing in front of me I would be listening. I probably would say, "I didn’t take any acid." We all doubt. we all fear. we all do bad things. get over it! Who cares? you fall and you get up. keep going. don’t give up. Unplugging is what kills people. Turning your soul off. Saying shut up and locking it in the closet. That’s what kills you. Nothing more. Nothing less. You unplug and you lose your source of electricity.

The tragic thing is that most people sleep their whole lives and never know the other side of being awake. I was not that lucky. I tried to go to sleep. I tried to unplug. I tried to kill it. I took hammers and knives to it and it would always nap. Take a nap and then be back even more aware because everytime I would nap and wake up, I would learn another lesson.

So anyways, to plug in, get away from your tv, your cell phone, your racing mind, your list of things to be. Go outside and just look and listen to what has been given

j

2003-03-18T05:42:00.000-08:00

NRDC's EARTH ACTION:
The Bulletin for Environmental Activists

March 14, 2003
========================================

EMERGENCY ALERT: Tell your senators to remove Arctic drilling
revenues from the budget bill

Next week the U.S. Senate will cast a critical vote on a budget bill
that the Bush administration and its pro-drilling allies have
commandeered as a stealth vehicle for opening the Arctic National
Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling.

Take action now at
http://www.nrdcaction.org/index.asp?step=2&item=1536

======================================================

Before oil and gas companies claimed the core of Alaska's North Slope
wilderness, President Eisenhower set aside the Arctic National
Wildlife Refuge as a lone haven for vast herds of caribou, polar
bears, Arctic wolves, and millions of migratory birds. But the Bush
administration wants to hand over this last pristine fragment of
Alaska's arctic to its friends in the oil and gas industry. If the
president and his allies succeed, the refuge would soon be converted
into an industrial complex of roads, drill pads, pipelines,
production facilities, ports, and gravel mines. Crucial wildlife
habitat would be forever destroyed -- for what's likely to be a mere
six-month supply of oil. We could save 15 times more oil than the
refuge is likely to produce just by raising the average gas mileage
of U.S. vehicles to 40 mpg by the year 2012.

Arctic drilling proponents in the Senate know that any efforts to
open the refuge to drilling would fail under normal Senate filibuster
procedures. But budget bills cannot be filibustered, so pro-drilling
senators have sneaked a provision into the 2004 budget plan that
would mandate opening the Arctic Refuge to drilling by assuming
future revenue from oil and gas leases there. Senators opposed to
drilling will offer an amendment to remove the drilling revenue
provision when the issue moves to the Senate floor next week, but the
amendment will require 51 votes to win. The November 2002 elections
rendered the vote count on this issue just about even, making the
upcoming vote one of the most critical of the year.

== What to do ==
Tell your senators to remove the Arctic drilling provision from the
budget plan.

== Contact information ==
You can email or fax your senators directly from NRDC's Earth Action
Center at http://www.nrdcaction.org/index.asp?step=2&item=1536

If you prefer to call your senators, the Capitol switchboard number
is 202-224-3121. When calling, please urge your senators to vote to
remove any language in the FY04 budget resolution that would open the
Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil drilling.

==================================================
** Please forward this message to others, and encourage them to
contact their senators as well. Thank you!
==================================================

To update your email address or other information, go to:
http://www.join.nrdcaction.org/profileeditor. To unsubscribe from
Earth Action, send an email message to earthaction@nrdcaction.org
with REMOVE in the subject line.

==========
About NRDC
==========

The Natural Resources Defense Council is a nonprofit environmental
organization with more than 550,000 members nationwide and a staff of
scientists, attorneys and environmental experts. Our mission is to
protect the planet's wildlife and wild places and ensure a safe and
healthy environment for all living things.

For more information about NRDC or how to become a member of NRDC,
please contact us at:

Natural Resources Defense Council
40 West 20th Street
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212-727-4511 (voice) / 212-727-1773 (fax)
General email: nrdcinfo@nrdc.org
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http://www.nrdc.org

Also visit:
BioGems -- Saving Endangered Wild Places
A project of the Natural Resources Defense Council
http://www.savebiogems.org

2003-03-17T15:58:00.000-08:00

i saw more than i wanted to see today. more tonight. i have to go outside and continue trying to somehow counteract all the things that only seem to be weighing the world down.
--------------------------------
no time to spend on why. just time to do something

2003-03-17T09:10:00.000-08:00

you know, i have to remaster all of my music.
i found a secret garden
i made love
i am making music
i went and prayed
i feed my soul
i read books
yes, i am making good choices
free soul feels good
yes
now, i work on music
i learned why my songs are too quiet
i feel like a child who just figured out how 2+2 =4
what didn't i notice before?
oh well i didn't
so that is life
back to work

2003-03-16T12:21:00.000-08:00

going out to play

2003-03-15T15:20:00.000-08:00

i finished little space. writing music is like taking my head and ripping it open and then pouring it out.

done now. back to reality. reality says, "go run." so i am.

2003-03-15T06:36:00.000-08:00

during my morning, i came to see

a. if i focus on the now, the truth will be easy -- to see the now as in the moment, the present
b. feed the soul first; the rest will follow
c. follow your heart which means i have to quiet my mind
d. which comes back to the now

being in the now is hard. life likes to take us anywhere but the fear, the past, the future, what ifs.
i have a creative mind. if used positively, it creates. if it becomes depressed or scared or loses the truth by not being in the now, it takes me to a world of fear because if i lose sight of truth, confusion sets in. confusion makes me afraid.

to avoid confusion and fear, i have to focus on the now and feed my soul and pay attention to the moment

morning light bulb

2003-03-14T21:48:00.000-08:00

http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/69/misnomer.html

ok more music

2003-03-14T21:35:00.000-08:00

http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/40/astral_projection.html

i started working on a boo for all those out there on the internet. about the world of internet modeling. ten pages later, while also searching for new music, i found this. it is good. it reminds me of the good old days of taking and forgetting that there were walls. it makes me want to go out and do drugs though. i am in a good mood now. not so lonely. maybe because i have music to lift me higher. now i want to go to a rave and dance all night. too bad all the raves here don't play this kind of music. okay, i will behave and just think fondly of the memory of going to raves all night and staying out till the break of dawn, dancing till my heart fell out of my chest.

okay. back to work. as usual. working, writing, creating.

enough drugs were done in my early years. wait! i am only 21.

okay, some of the music is cheesy. you can't win all of them. oh well