<jillian> for some reason blogger is not working right and not letting my journals post.
they are being posted in my yahoo group as always so until i fix the problem with the bloggers, look for my journals at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/JillianAnn
jillian </jillian> <!--5:40 AM-->
<jillian> I know there are angels who are happy in heaven right now because there is one more soul in the clear. A soul in the clear to me is when someone connects with God in a way where he goes from being impersonal to personal. Now, the sad truth is that most so called religious people don't talk to God. In fact, most people believe it’s not possible and, well, it isn't if you don't believe it is or if you’re numb to your soul.
One more in the clear after years and years of me asking God. I do that because I learned that I have nothing to do with things. It’s in God’s hands, not mine. So as far as God and someone connecting, I know I can’t do it. I am not a fuse maker. I just walk around and try to ask the angels to pass on a message. Usually, it has to do with them having a good heart and they are just lost or a bit mislead.
But when they awake, it’s always the same. Lives change. Everything becomes clear. What didn't make sense now does. And the path becomes much easier. Not because it is any easier or painless, but because now there are instructions.
It’s funny because that's how it works. You open your heart, you listen and through life or dreams or just hearing your soul, you will get a check list for life.
Dreams. God was the original dreamer and creator. So you think we wouldn't dream and create? What is amazing about this is, well, you never run out of ideas. Ever. And there are always new ones. Once you finish the instructions, God will sometimes give you downtime, and sometimes not. If he does, don't complain. I used to. Then God would pour way too much at once in and I would be like. “SLOW down. I can’t keep up. Even on coffee.” So now I learn to enjoy the downtime and the silence because, well, we all know the world isn't in the best state so I don't think God’s going to sit back and let it all go on without being creative as usual about making sure people remember life is more important than money and tv. Much more important.
In fact, He will use freaks, geeks and other random creatures to be His little extensions. Granted, there are hundreds, maybe thousands. I know a good handful. All who have a bad taste for organized religion and a huge creative drive. A church is no more than two people doing something with God or following instructions or just sitting and listening and offering the body up as a prayer. God doesn’t care if you’re doing yoga or running or singing or riding a train or in your car. He isn't limited like we are.
Anyways, so I am happy! One less life where the light won’t go out because once you communicate with God on a personal level and it becomes real and not some idea or image or whatever. It changes everything. Granted, as I said, it’s hard to get there unless you're a child or willing to be like one. Eyes open. Heart open. And not blocking. Because of preconceptions that God is this or that, or you have to do this or that, or blah blah be a rock star, be a dancer, be a musician, be a freak or a geek, or be in the army. It doesn't matter what you do and you know what? This whole sin thing? Get over it because God did and, frankly, we all sin so don't let guilt get you down. That's just the real evil trying to keep you from seeing the truth. Move on, let go, and live free. No chains, no fears.
Granted, God won’t save you from facing temptation or things that hurt. That's life. But remember. There are instructions. </jillian> <!--6:22 AM-->
<jillian> in my dream, i went to speak to a man who was meditating on a bed. i went to his room. it was high and we sat across from each other. he would speak to me and was a guide of sorts. he was wearing all white. i don't think he was a man but, rather, an angel in the form of a man. it took place in the future. the world was messy and strange things were happening. i can't remember too much because i made a phone call, meditated, and talked to God before I came here to write, but I remember what he told me and continues to tell me through life and through dreams. It's always the same message over and over. It just comes in different ways and different forms. It is about listening to the heart and how God searches the hearts of man so he knows a man's true and pure desires. Even though our minds may be tempted and fall over and over, it is the heart that God looks at. I remember he was warm. It was peaceful. Maybe i got a glimpse of heaven in the dream.
Last night's dream was strange as well. i went back to the old church I grew up with and it was full of people who were dead. Not dead physically, but their hearts were cold. i was trying to go the bathroom and get water and no one would help me. They kept saying I had to join. i went downstairs and there were these huge metal monsters everywhere that were filling the old classrooms I grew up in -- the places where I used to play. They were dark and looked like the things were taking over. I tried to go to the old safe place, but they were all full. i went back upstairs and i tried to relate, to speak, so i could understand what was going on. They took money and had turned into a social club. They were cold and ice box like. When i needed real help, I was turned away.
One word burned in my mind -- arrogance.
What is this about? Then i realized that it's a combination of two things. One is within myself. i feel most religious organizations have become cold and country club-ish and therefore they don't help anyone's real spiritual needs. So that explains the dream. Although it was like Hollywood and needless to say old women and men in suits with candy and coffee and jewels telling me they couldn't help me because i was NOT ONE OF THEM. And that brings me to the arrogance part. Many of the wars we have and the problems we have and the negative things that happen are cause by one religious group thinking it is right and everyone else is wrong. They then shun and turn away people with real needs because they are not one of them (not to mention killing each other). Then they get into wars about stupid things like what God's name is. I don't think God cares if you call him "Baba" or "God" or "dude."
The second thing was the machines or demonic-ish machines because i don't think they were real. It was a presence i could see or feel. i saw this monster inside the church downstairs destroying the place -- taking it over. That, to me is the force which i see under the surface of most organized religion. A force from a very dark twisted place that is twisting things, making the Catholics live with guilt, telling the southern Baptists if they don't repent, "they'll burn in hell." That is the force which is sucking the life out of the world and it isn't good. It is dark and nasty and if you had seen it in my dream, maybe you would understand. It is like a shadow that you don't see or like a gas leak that you don't smell. It is what no one will talk about, yet everyone knows. It was that they were going on their merry way drinking their tea and eating their cookies and under the surface, they were becoming and feeding the very thing they are supposed to be trying to stop.
Arrogance. Strange dream.
Yesterday, i woke up looked at beautiful mittens. i didn't want to leave. His bed is a cocoon, warm and safe. hmmmmmmmm. i got up anyways, lost my subway card, found my subway card, went to dance class. My dance teacher is great. Old and funny and still working. "i like doing," she said, "not watching." Doing.
i go to dance and i learn about life. Then i went back home to get my camera. i wrote in the train, i read in the train, i meditated in the train. i walked in the rain. So be it. Rain never bothered me anyways. My umbrella was left at the coffee shop and mittens has my other one.
So then i went to Paulo's to shoot. i walked in the rain some more. Rain, Rain. i get there like a late wet dog, but so be it. i laugh. i am soaked but at least i don't have to worry about my hair today because for this shoot, we came up with a concept for my music.
Paulo and i have known each other for years and for years we have had a deep connection. Our souls are on the same channel, so everything else falls into place including art. we cut up my clothing and we make art. As always, each shot out does the last. We shoot in the water and i feel like a fish. Doing underwater shots can be draining. We listen to music loud. We don't need to speak anymore. We read each others' thoughts when we work. Then we shoot and shoot and shoot.
Now i just had a feeling to go home and get my camera which earlier i hadn't thought of. Why? i don't know. But that's why i was late. i just had a gut feeling "go home and get your camera" and sure enough, what happened was we shot a bunch of beautiful footage that once cut to music and edited by Glenn will make an awesome little video, not to mention that Paulo and i discovered a new art form. It never ends. We made something which i hope will be a music video or at least a strange little art piece and we also made a ton of amazing pictures.
i was sitting there and we were talking and then i heard it again, "Paulo needs to meet Dave" so i said to him, "you need to meet Dave. i don't know why but you do." Paulo smiled as he always does -- like a child at the sun. We walked in the park, talking about life, art, inspiration, the state of humanity, what we can do, what we live for, what we die for, what life is. Then we sat and ate. He had a burger :) and i had a salad and miso soup at dojo. then it was time to come home.
so i come home and i am working on email and im and stuff and talking to mittens as usual and we were talking about Dave. Then i go and check my email and there is a letter from Dave and at the end of it it says, "BTW i need a photographer from the lower east side who shoots both commercial work and work for his soul"
now, was it coincidence or fate or serendipity? does it matter?
i email them both back to make the introduction and we shall see what comes of it. now i must go.
bye bye
i have a shoot and in 30 minutes, my car is coming
bookings are very good
Have a good day and umm, yes, i am a bit strange, but then again i am an artist. What do you expect?
cheers!
ps i just have to add that the reason i think we have so many problem in the world is because no one is getting any spiritual food. They try to replace it with food, sex, money, drugs, power, tv. Need i go on?
anyways just fyi
</jillian> <!--6:55 AM-->
<jillian> -So the last few days have been a bit
Intense its around 8 pm I think
I have been trying to get to the bottom or at least
Untangle some big things- or maybe it is like this my emotional state has felt like it is in a war- and the thing is I don¡¦t think its my emotions- the problem is or maybe it¡¦s a blessing but I have always been able to feel peoples emotions- physically feel all of them- this is a good thing when your surrounded by warm people who are peaceful- it is not a good thing when your around tense people or granted in the world today it has taken me sometime to learn to be able to bounce feelings- or reverse them- or to try to counteract the feelings or do what I can to reach out and help release them= which usually removes the negative even if its pain. Most the time I just feel very motivated to work, because for the first 18 years of my life I didn¡¦t know how to cope with it. I felt the pain of the world I felt the anger of the world I felt everything and it was too much and so as a child I found peace in nature and music. Because there I could release and recharge. When I was first aware I thought I was supposed to intercede and I would often which would usually freak people out. When a little girl comes to you and says stop feeling like you want to die there is a way out and you don¡¦t know this girl well some people would cry others would turn off and look away and say I am fine.
So then well I learned I couldn¡¦t go around trying to one by one open people up and pull out there pain cause there were just too many, in fact being aware of the need almost was my undoing because I felt like I was supposed to go around and try to help everyone, then things started to make sense- music the internet lots of people, the media- I was pretty young when I realized I could use the media- to do something- so then that was it I was going there- most people are driven by wanting money or fame or stuff or whatever- I am driven by awareness- I am driven by the fact that I walk around and my heart goes out- hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm so needless to say I found I can mold myself into any appearance I can do lots of things- I was blessed-with the ability to be a sponge and learn quickly
So now my recent state it¡¦s like someone shortfused the circuit and it went from peace to just like a whirlwind of energy that wasn¡¦t so peaceful- like does it I will call it blender mode
You wake you and you feel the world is in a blender on high and you are the bananaļ
So when I pray or meditate or just in my creative zone I often check in with people- it like I learned the soul is a receptor, and I learned you can use it and it unlike human bodies is not bound by space- so its like channels and you can leave your channels open to other peoples souls or you can feel them- granted most people done know there emotions or there soul because they turned this off so it only works if your soul has been on ¡V and you have been listening or feeling- so for years or my entire life I would once I love someone or care about them I would be open to them all the time- so usually everything is fine and dandy but then sometimes I feel something and its usually strong- I feel like a mother sometimes- mothers always know with there babies- maybe it is just a very strong mother-is nurture-ish thing. Now then so something is wrong its like someone takes my energy and yanks it away- then I stop and listen, and I open up and really listen and usually I just feel whatever there feeling- granted that puts me in a strange place ¡V so what do you do when you know someone is hurting or angry or freaking out or doing drugs or lying to you or cheating on you? And you know but they don¡¦t know you know and so do you go around popping everyones sense of reality because most people live there lives thinking what they feel inside is a secret? Which it isn¡¦t to anyone who listens and is open and has a large receptive heart which is work¡K¡K.there are no secrets- you may think there are but then one day you may meet someone like me- or someone else who feels things under the surface- I learned over years though when to intercede and when not to- there are only two times I will act as in physically to intercede- if I feel like they are too drained to see or do it alone- or if it is a life or death situation- or if there is a door they are missing that if they miss will end up being a huge negative- there are a few other things- I will then just go in and try to just help people by helping them see feel accept and release whatever it is underneath that is causing all the trouble
The soul is like a garden
And there are weeds these weeds suck you dry they drain you
Or we could say stumpy
Or shadows
Or demon
Depending on your level of wanting to believe in anything- or not- but regardless you¡¦re here by choice so if you don¡¦t want to think about these things skip down- now these are other things I sense- and frankly there is a light and a dark working all the time all around the clock. There is no God, there are no angels or demons you say your crazy: ok fine consider me so but you know what my entire life when I looked at things and said ok lets find the truth- are you from God or not ¡V it helped me learn how to keep the weeds from growing and taking all my energy- now we will talk about my feeling- When I feel worry I know this is not from God- its says don¡¦t worry look at the birds the trees they are fine and how much more do I love you cause you¡¦re my child- so whenever I worry I go outside and I look at the birds and the trees I go I lay in the park, I do this now whenever the worry dark shadow or whatever comes around. Then I also look at my life well what can I change to not worry. The reality is not much, we cant control anything but our own actions and most worry comes from other people actions the economy the state of the world your lover, since you cant control them you have two choices to let mr.shadowman worry take your energy and make you weak or you go out to the world and look up and remember your loved and taken care of and life has has a course and sometimes bad things happen for a reason. Then there is fear, now there is only one thing to fear and that¡¦s fear itself because fear is like worry, afraid of what? Someone wont love you? Your not good enough? Fear the world will fall apart? The world will always fall apart, if you try to live by the good enough rule you¡¦ll always be unhappy and people may or may not love you- fear will control you it will keep you from doing good things, from being positive if you let fear infect your life it will make you avoid those you love, it will destroy your relationships, it will destroy your work,.
Now what to do about fear well, basically it¡¦s a lie so when you find yourself slipping you have to catch yourself and remember it is a lie. Now there is good fear like if you sense someone is harmful, that is a warning, but that is different, some fear means avoid- anytime there is fear it should be looked at understood and then let go of-
Guilt is one of the most powerful and destructive forces that kills peoples light/energy/souls guilt is what has made religion more dark then light, guilt is what keeps people on there couches hating themselves and the world, guilt is what often destroys friendships relationships and creations- guilt is often caused by anger we feel at ourselves for doing things that harm ourselves or others- when I did lots of drugs I felt guilty when I wasent on them which made me become more and more isolated which only made the guilt worse- guilt built a wall between me and the ones I loved and who loved me- now over time I tore that wall down and I learned that the truth is change it don¡¦t feel guilty over it we all mess up so what get over it, people love you for who you are, God loves you for who you are but this is what religion doesn¡¦t teach because well guilt is a great way to control people. Look at all these women who guilt trip there husbands for things, or for money, or whatever, or friends, or lovers, so now guilt is caused by something deep- usually when you feel you let down yourself or others but this is a shadow because there is nothing that cant be resolved if you are willing to confront and face it-----when you feel guilty you have to figure out why you feel guilty then if it is because you did something that made you feel like you hurt someone or were not good enough, you look at it as a lesson and you learn you find the core the center the heart of the matter and you look for it and then when you find it you know the lesson you needed to have but that is all it is a lesson- when we feel it is because there is a deeper education attempting to take place if we ignore it we wont learn about ourselves spiritually and if we don¡¦t lean that aspect we will never be complete the soul is the basis of everything-
Anger is usully because of pain because someone else hurt you- well back to the not able to control things when people hurt us, when your lied to ,cheated on, molested, abused, raped, beat up, robbed, and or any of the million other things you feel pain. Why? because whenever we do something that harms ourselves or others there is a price tag its called pain, now pain was given to us so that we would listen and learn, and I suppose the universe figured we would understand why we have pain, but it seems most people don¡¦t, pain is caused by sin so too speak- now sometimes it is our own and sometimes it is others but to make things simple pain is the direct result of going against the umm higher force name it what you will- so now sin well most religions make sin sound so evil, oh we are all going to hell because of sin, if you sin you will go to hell, well then if that¡¦s the truth I¡¦ll be burning cause I am a big sinner everyday I sin in many, many ways, I know my sin file has to be massive- but at a young age I started studding sin, and what it was alone, on my own outside of any stupid doctrine enforced by people who are sinner themselves who for some reason forget we are all equal and like to sit around an remind people who bad they are. We all know we are imperfect-----that¡¦s a given¡K¡K.so now sin so I read and read from many perspectives then I said screw all this reading- what does sin do to me, well it causes pain, hmmmmmmm instructing so maybe we aren¡¦t supposed to do these things not because there evil or bad but because well most the time they cause pain- the most painful thing you can do is too turn off your soul- disconnect- that will be the end of your true source of energy your true source of truth of hope of dreams- the lights go out- because then you don¡¦t know anymore what is good or bad- you don¡¦t know what will cause harm or not you don¡¦t know because your dead inside and you cant know if your hearts off- its like taking out your eyes you cant see- your heart sees the truth your soul knows what is right and what will cause harm, it was given to us for us to use to try to navigate the waters of life so when we feel something is wrong we go the other way or we say no or we make a decision based on truth-so many people have turned off there hearts- I see it they have no light- they are like drained pieces of meat walking around programmed to be like a hamster in a cage
So now sin- what is it, your heart knows it¡¦s the best place to go and there are two questions, is this truth?
Is this going to harm or help myself or other?
You live by that or for me I say hey ummmm universe is this right or wrong ¡V and then I feel I listen its there the ansewer is inside all of them- the heart knows no time so it knows all the anewers for your whole life
If you listen it will guide you and you will feel pain
But it will never take away
Your light your hope your love your dream
10 pm
Or rather life brought them to my attention and I am not good at ignoring them
Let peak about emotion : lets use a child: when children arrive there emotions are very sensitive. Notice children how they will laugh and cry how the express themselves so openly, the reason children are so beautiful I because of these emotions and because they are warm, they react, the respond, I will look at a beautiful child and smile there eyes will light up and they will return the smile. Just like this remember your first kiss? Remember the first time you saw someone die, the feeling of yoru stomach sinking, remember fear of the dark of the boogie man? Of bad people?
Now remember the words there is nothing to be afraid of, or ¡§stop crying or I will really give you something to cry about¡¨ or as a child when you craved someone to hold you and they said over and over ¡§I¡¦m busy go away or watch TV ¡§
Here we are taught to suppress emotions to cover them up if we cry we most be insane or depressed if we are happy and bouncy we are manic if we are feeling alone or lonely we are depressed if we react we are over emotional we are not capable we are not acceptable
So they give us pills they give us TV the give us drugs video games alcohol cocaine pot food money power sex religion need I go on. None of this things are bad on there own they are harmful when you use them to avoid something inside
I battle with this, as a musician and an artist I became aware of people turning off at a young age. Then again because of genetics as well as growing up in the woods and UN exposed to the usual normal typical world my emotions remained there as a child.
But you see as a child I suppose I was pretty smart. I first noticed it in my father he was always getting angry, but I saw that his anger was caused because he didn¡¦t like himself he couldn¡¦t accept himself he didn¡¦t love himself so he had a hard time with me. I was also an unexpected unplanned baby meaning I put both emotional and financial burdens on my parents that caused them to be under high stress. I used to ask God why he let me be born then I learned God was working regardless of the situation.
So my father would be under stress and I used to call him a time bomb and because everything set him off I did the only thing I knew how to do at the time, avoid him and hide or run. I was like an animal and my instinctual reaction to pain was to hide and run from him. So I did he would come home I would leave, I would hide in the backyard I was always trying to avoid him because I couldn¡¦t confront him. This caused him to feel like I hated him which I understand now. Which then just made the issue worse and worse till at 17 I ran away from home?
I left knowing I wouldn¡¦t be going back anytime soon, I remember massive attacks dissolve girl came on and I was trying not to cry. When I left home something snapped something said I had enough I am over it.
I was over living in a place where emotions and feelings were ignored; I was also at the point that I was starved for love. My mother and I had a good relationship which is the main reason I have a bit of the ability of balance although she also suppressed her emotions. I lived in an emotionally suppressed home, and I was an emotion creature.
I made the decision in early childhood I would never grow cold. Because it seemed to me that the only people who really hurt other people in a senseless and repetitive way where those who were emotionally numb. When they were cold they didn¡¦t feel the pain they caused others so they caused lots of it. Not intentionally often unintentionally they didn¡¦t mean to hurt anyone they just were no longer emotionally aware of anything they did including hurting people. I didn¡¦t want to end up emotionally dead and numb and unaware so I did my homework on how to keep it and I did my homework on how to hide my feelings because often revealing them would freak people out because when I showed them my true emotions it forced them to open up and face there own true feelings which was often painful and an awakening and so they would either wake up and often become lifelong friends or call me a freak and lock me out of there lives.
So to protect myself because as much as I liked to pretend I didn¡¦t care if people rejected me it used to hurt. But then again since I wasn¡¦t getting the love I needed at home I went elsewhere to look. I learned the hard way if you look for love you¡¦ll never find it.
I Think my idea of love is a bit strange though because to me love is when you put them first and all you have is threes and if they need anything as long as it isn¡¦t harmful and you can you give it too them. Time, energy, money, love, granted I am not perfect and when it comes to energy my music takes a lot of it, before music I would always put it into people, more then anything. But then I learned if you give you can never expect people to give back and if you do you¡¦re setting yourself up for being disappointed
.
Love is agape
Unconditional
Which means no matter what?
If you live by this
There is no fear in love
but it seems less common
back to work more latter
</jillian> <!--1:31 PM-->
<jillian> I am trying not to be upset. I understand why. It makes sense when your biggest fears come and stare you in the face. You have to fight the urge to run away crying and hide under your bed.
Some of my greatest fears came around and faced me and I found myself looking at them head on. "No more wrecking my life. I am over you. So what if I am rejected! So what if I have to go on with a longing! So what!" Does it matter? Will it prevent me from living? From creating? From loving? No, sorry, it won't, but that doesn't mean that it is easy.
The untangling of years of ignored, buried pains and fears. Ignored because it was survival. Now I face them and confront them. Some things I can change; some I can't.
To detach from my longing for love is not easy, I suppose. The problem is that I missed a good chunk and now the more awake I am, the more that little suppressed part says, "Excuse me but you have ignored me for years."
To anyone out there who is a father or a mother, or is going to be -- if there is one thing you can do, be real with your child, be honest, be open> Even if it is difficult. It is much better to fight than to have no communication. It is better to admit mistakes than to ignore them. It is better to be open if there are difficulties than to hide them. Now I say this speaking to myself and as I speak, I admit it isn’t easy for me. Sometimes I wish the little girl inside would stop bringing all this stuff up and, frankly, I used to ignore it all, but the problem is that the same little part that feels insecure and unwanted or not good enough is the same part that can create and feels great joy and happiness. So, to cut her off would be to destroy my own true emotions.
"Over sensitive," as my mother said. Maybe, but I am a functioning sensitive person. Always have been a productive sensitive person.
It’s hard not to be let down sometimes when people tell you they care and they will be there and then they treat you like an unwanted piece of garbage or only want you when they need something. Then again, I am trying to figure out why I feel this way and why it is coming up now. It is always this way. The more I seem to do or set out to do, the more things come this way to try to block me, external internal. I feel it. I am aware of it. I deal with it. Writing here is one way, so if you read this, be aware by the time I am done, my mood will have lifted and I will be in better spirits.
I am always in good spirits unless someone lies to me or hurts me. Then I am down for the moment. Although it is always a moment. Then I remember all the good things in life. Like the friends I have, the abilities, the gifts, the people, the world. But I suppose it is like my biggest wounds that go back for all my life kind of got yanked open unexpectedly and, well, I suppose dealing with it is a good thing although, in ways, I would rather avoid these feelings. I would rather turn them off, but rather than supressing them, I am letting them come and then go. But sometimes seeing them isn’t so nice.
I am now going to do what I can to do to be proactive in dealing with these feelings. Releasing and untangling the knots.
I went to see my therapist. I saw her aura today which was interesting. Now I see more of them than before. People may think it's insane, but who cares. She is really good at untangling my knots, and today was just a bunch of realizations. I told her about what happened and how all of a sudden all these feelings came back and so did all these memories and it was strange though. They came and went. Like watching tv. It's like a gate opened and they came out and then there was nothing. I think the nothing is what is scary because I can't hide in the "my dad never loved me;" I can't hide in the people who said they cared are gone; I can't hide in the poor little child me; I can't hide in the fear or in the pain; I can't hide in it. Because it came out and now I sit here and say, "Well now...who am i?"
Finding my identity without the past. Finding myself in the now. Finding myself here.
It's like when you untangle, it sets you free. That freedom is strange though because now, when I think of my father, the pain is gone. It is just like things were messed up and now I speak to my therapist about how maybe I can go back and change things. A challenge, yes, but so be it. But now I can't write the depressed songs about blah blah blah because, well, I am over it and therefore the music is changing. I can't draw sad faces all the time because I would be lying. And I have love in my life even though it scares me. Not because it's bad, but because it is an unknown. Because I know it will not live forever unless I make it live forever. And how do you make live forever?
Well you don’t live for it. You live by it. You don’t live to get it because then you will never get it. You live to give it.
And as I say this, I realize this is not an easy way to live because I see that I have a selfish, human, egotistical side which wants to find comfort in people, in love, in life. Yet I force myself out of it, away from it. I remove it because if I latch on to people my security will never be.
As I talked to my therapist, I just want to feel welcomed, or loved or something, and even though I logically know I am, sometimes the emotions come around and I know they are based on things that were out of my control in childhood and so they are engraved inside of me. So, when they come up, I have to separate the logic and truth from the lies.
Everyone has a shadow side. Mine says I am worthless, unlovable and not good enough for anyone to ever love. It tells me that no matter how I try, I will never be. That is a lie. No one is worthless. We are all good enough and we are all loved in one way or another. I know none of it is true, but sometimes my personal shadows hunt me.
Today was a day with lots of positive things, many things.
Love scares me. Maybe because I am afraid that when I love someone or if I try to love them and it is rejected, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me as opposed to believing there is something wrong with them. But that, as I said, goes way way back, so when I start to care about people, the reason I think I used to shut people off was because loving makes me face my greatest fear. Although when I look at my fear, I see there is nothing to fear, bt fear itself. Nw again my logic says that tere is nothing to fear. Fear says pain is to fear, but there is no pain I haven’t felt and, well, it made me who I am so from now on, pain is as welcome as joy. And being crushed is as welcome as flying.
I learn and I learn a lot. I learned that I am not only capable, but from now on, when I am hurt or don’t like something, I will confront it head-on in an honest, direct way as opposed to running from it. I learned that I can't change what others do and I have to accept them as they are like it or not, and if I don’t like it, I can leave or try to change it, but I can only act on my end. I learned that I am loved and people do care even if they are away or busy. I learned that the reason I have this longing isn’t because of now but then, and while I couldn't change it then, now I can; then I couldn't do anything about it, but now I can. This is my life and I choose not to live it in a harmful way.
Ok I am going out to play. Because now you see that I have UNTANGLED and figured out everything. I started this in a state of trying to understand and now I do.
Writing is good for you.
Get it?
Good.
Gone!
Good-bye!
</jillian> <!--8:48 PM-->
<jillian> Everything happens for a reason. Yes, I keep telling myself that. Good, bad, in the middle. Everything happens for a reason. One thing affects another and another and another. This is truth and sometimes it’s a pain to listen to because if you really believe it, then, when bad things happen or things happen that you just don’t get, you just let them be and over time, it all makes sense.
I try to remember this whenever I am confused or feel left in the dark or when something doesn't make sense. I usually leave it alone and it makes sense of itself over time.
Today, I thought of tornados. I don’t want to think of tornados. I am not worried about me. I am not worried at all. It was just like tornados came into my little world.
Today, I wrote a song. Actually, two songs. Two beautiful strange songs. I also had coffee, a salad and I thought of other things too.
Like clouds and time and love and truth and life and how I have so much work to do. Speaking of that, I must return to the second half of my work.
</jillian> <!--5:19 PM-->
<jillian> Let's discuss solitude. I was thinking about how and why I was feeling the way I was in reference to loneliness and I don’t know if it is as much loneliness as it is discomfort because, when you spend a great deal of time in solitude, you really know yourself in many ways. You have no distractions, no escapes, no tvs -- nothing to distract the mind or the heart.
I chose solitude because at this point there are only a few people I would live with. To me, living with someone needs to be a situation where both people help each other grow. Finding random roommates in New York is difficult, even more so because I don’t like living with people I don’t already know.
Solitude forces me to grow in an uncomfortable way because my fears, anxieties, concerns, flaws, mistakes or just my awareness of myself, my actions, the world and the effects my actions have on the world, become crystal clear. Just as my thoughts are because when you are alone, there is no other energy to get caught up in, only your own.
Living alone has always been a struggle because I am like anyone else. There are some things I don’t want to deal with or face. Being alone makes you face the things you don’t want to face.
Like the fact that I slept in, like the fact that I could invite people over although this comes to another choice I made. I don’t like to hang out with people just to not be alone. That’s not good. I like to be around people so we can help each other grow, learn, understand, create. I don’t like hanging out with people who try to get me to do things that I don’t want to do.
I am protective of my work. I always have been and always will be, but I can work around people and be fine as long as they are on the same page.
So, during my walk to get soy milk, I thought of what I can do. Well, I could invite my artist friends over and tell them to bring work with them. Artists feed off of other artists' energy. That’s what I am used to and that’s what isn’t around. That or just sharing the process with people which is why, I suppose, I am here -- I am virtually sharing it. Why do I want to share? I suppose I always did. I was a social butterfly. I was always around people. I love people. I love nature, people, art, and coffee.
Anyways, so I am in solitude because I chose it and I will stay here until I am in a place to share the journey with someone. Although solitude is uncomfortable, the uncomfortable aspects force me to grow. I produce more work in solitude although having people come and visit is always nice too. Some day I want to have a place that is a creative sanctuary. I like creating environments to live in that are sanctuary-ish. I like to create them and to share them. In new york, it is harder because you need more money to have space. In Atlanta it was easy.
Anyways more soon. Back to the dream work. I feel like a donkey and I have visions for carrots.
</jillian> <!--11:08 AM-->
<jillian> I woke up late again. I thought of beating myself up, but I decided not to. I got out of bed, had coffee, worked on vocals, did a painting, then worked on music. So much to learn. So much to write. So much to perfect.
I have been feeling a bit strange lately.
Agape =unconditional love
This is why I have been feeling strange. It was in me not anyone else. Ever since I was a child, I said I want someone to love me -- to really love me, to love me no matter what. To love me flawed, imperfect, messed up. To love me for me. I used to be crushed time after time when I would love someone and they wouldn't respond. But I had a big heart so I loved people and I wasn't afraid to tell them.
Then I learned it scared people. I was too intense so I stopped being open and turned to my paper, to my pen, to my art, to my teddy bears, to the moon, the sky, angels, heaven, anywhere.
I used to be hurt, but then I realized that I was hurting myself because if I really love someone, it means I accept them for who they are. Regardless, I have to love them and not expect them to love back or want them to or be upset if they don't.
Then again I would be trying to fill my soul with love from people, which is not a good place to go because, if you rely on people to make you happy or peaceful or content or to fill your soul, you're on a never ending roller coaster. People will let you down, they will lie, they will hurt you, they will die, or they will leave or be insensitive. We all are; we all mess up.
Living a life and trying to love people unconditionally has always been a challenge for me. I get selfish sometimes and I want something back, which isn't what love is about. Real love doesn't have strings. Real love gives and expects nothing in return. Real love forgives and lets go. Real love is what can make you fly no matter what happens, but it is something we choose to do.
If we don't let go and are willing to love unconditionally, there will be fear and pain. Only when you let go to the point where you say "I love you no matter what" is the fear and pain dissolved because "no matter what means" just that -- no matter what. If they hurt you over and over, you may create a distance, but you still love them.
I still love many I have had to create distance with because they were harming me or just wearing me down, so even if I loved them, I had to back away (although I do reach out now and then and say "hello, are you okay")
Real love means you feel the pain and then you let go. You don't hold on. This is hard because when people hurt you, it is your natural tendency to want to be upset or angry or hurt and hang onto it. For years, I would try to let go of things, then grab it back, then try to let go over and over. Now, I have learned that I have to be content alone with no one and nothing once I have that which I have had and continue to force myself to make sure I don't lose sight of the truth.
All I love will go away. The love will not. Doesn't mean it's easy because it's like if you love someone one, you don't want to see them hurt themselves or other people or you. But they will and it happens. However, it's when you let that make you close off that person that it hurts love. The reason we close off is fear -- the fear of losing, the fear of being rejected, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of not being happy enough, the fear of not being smart enough or the fear of people just getting bored or sick of you and throwing you away.
I remember a few times that happened to me and it never made sense to me how people could say they cared and love you and then one day, it was like I never existed. This always made me feel even worse because I would sit around and try to figure out what I did wrong. Then, after years of blaming myself, I learned the truth. Sometimes people just leave; sometimes they lie; sometimes they just move on.
I remember saying I was going to be a monk because I didn't want to have my heart ripped out of the socket again. Well, I am not a monk and I have come to understand that the heart, even though it may feel like it is getting torn out of the socket, is not. It stays there and the pain passes away. The heart never breaks apart. It just bleeds. Just like a cut. But it heals and it doesn't fall apart forever.
Now in my life I have to love people with agape love. It's the only way to prevent your heart from being trashed because, if you really can love unconditionally or at least strive to, it covers all the wounds.
Anyways, so the lesson I learned to day (or remembered) was love isn't about what you get. It's about what you give.
I remembered. I had forgot, but I was reminded again by the moon and the stars and the earth. They give freely. As should I.
Even though it's hard. I have my insecurities and sometimes I am a big baby who just wants to crawl and curl up and be petted. Then again, I always was that way. I was always crawling into bed with my sister or brother or mother. Then, when I moved out, I would make my friends spend the night so we could cuddle, which I hear is not normal, but I didn't see why not. Then, I started traveling so I ended up becoming really close with other models and we would travel together.
This is the longest I have lived on my own during my entire life. I always used to have my own place, but people always moved in with me. I lived with david half of my adult life. I lived with dawnn for the other half. And in between I was always staying with friends when I traveled. I wouldn't stay in hotels because I would end up being haunted by something or another and end up hiding under the pillow crying myself to sleep. Or I would be sleeping on people's floors. I remember when I would stay with corey when I was in LA. I would sleep on the floor in his office while he worked. When david lived with me, I would sleep between the speakers on the floor while he worked. I would always have my own place, but I would always have people living with me.
So living by myself now is difficult sometimes, but I really don't have a choice because roommates and me only work if we are on the same page. And now I am in a relationship which means no more friends over cuddling.
I am used to living with people. I always was with people. When I was traveling and modeling, I would stay with people and more often than not, I would fall asleep in the room with people on couches or on the floor. As long as I felt a presence, I felt safe.
So now living on my own is hard. I get lonely. I feel isolated. I am facing my fears every night, but I don't think we were made to be alone all the time. I know I wasn't, but then again I am used to living with people. I am used to sleeping with someone. I am used to waking up with someone -- friend or lover -- but I am not used to being on my own. Granted, I get a lot of work done though on my own.
I suppose that in reality I don't like being alone at night. During the day, I am fine. When it's light out, I never think twice about it and during the day, I am happy. It's late at night that I am, so I guess I will go to bed earlier and wake up earlier.
Anyways, so I am just rambling because this, at this moment, is replacing a person.
Oh no! I am now becoming what I always was against. I am speaking to a computer instead of a person. Well, this is a challenge because when I travel, I am always with people; when I work, I am alone. When I wake up, I am alone. When I go to sleep, I am alone. I don't feel alone when I am outside, which is why I would walk at three a.m. -- because I felt at least the company of the stars.
Okay. I am shutting up now and going to bed. Where are my stuffed animals?
Good night.
</jillian> <!--3:48 AM-->
<jillian> Today I woke up. First awake looking at the clock strange dreams. Missing a warm body beside me. Missing arms wrapped around me.
I looked at the notebook. Time to write. Like it or not, every morning I try to write. I wrote three pages. I make myself do it. Why? Because it is about discipline. It is about clearing my head. It is about finding my own personal truth. These are the journals which, upon my death, can be published. But not before then I don’t think. But who knows. I am a fickle artist. My will has already been made and the only thing it says is make sure things continue on and the work doesn't end. Morbid thought, but, as an artist, I suppose art is my child and I wouldn't want anything to happen to it if I wasn't around. So these pages contain my thoughts that I won't express elsewhere. It contains my insecurities. The big ones. It contains my conversations with God. It contains random dreams, visions, and other things that sometimes come to me that I feel I must make a record of for a reason which I do not understand. Granted, these notebooks, I think, would scare people because if you had my dreams, you would be uneasy about some of the things that are going on.
So I write and I discover today is fathers day. Now, my dad has called once in five years. Upon writing, I discovered my feelings about life, about love, about music, about what I am doing with my life. I discovered I had a string that was choking me, tied around me, and taking away my ability to breathe. It was pulling me down. I wrote and got up, had a banana and my vitamins and ran out the door to go to a dance class. Once outside, it hit harder. "Call him."
"But what if he rejects me?”
"Well, at least you will have an answer” .
“But what if --”
"Shut up." I picked up the phone, dialed the number.
He answered. "Did you get my card?” I asked. Maybe it was my way of saying happy fathers day.
"Not yet.”
"Well, you will." So we talked for a bit. About stuff and life. I told him to call me and he may not know how to use a phone, but he said he would. Although my dad used to always say he would do things and wouldn't as opposed to just saying "no," which, well, taught me a lesson. I say "maybe." I also tell people not to take it personally if I am distant or if they don’t hear from me. I also tell people "maybe" most the time, and only "yes or no" if I know for sure. Not always, but I always remember how I felt when people told me they would do something and then they didn’t.
So I got in the subway. I knew I did the right thing. As hard as it was and as hard as it seemed, it opened something up and I let go of something.
I arrived at dance class. It has been a while. I used to thrive in ballet and jazz classes. Here I sat and I stared at myself, at the mirror. "Hello."
The reflection said back, "Where have you been?"
The teacher was old, but had a huge amount of energy and a sense of humor only an old new york dancer would have.
Move. Oh yes. Movement. "Wait a second," my muscles said. "I remember this stuff." Through class I let go and things came back. Another big block removed. So yes I will be back. She smiled. "Lift your head up. Express yourself."
Something to practice, something to aspire to. I already have it in my head to be in the advanced levels again within a year. Just like I have it in my head to memorize all the scales known to man. Just as I have it in my head to read all the books I can to absorb all I can -- to be a sponge and to soak up information. Just as I have it in my head to go from here to my vision which landed recently again and is now like a crying child wanting my attention. Each day things open up and I see the path is there. I just have to be disciplined and not run the other way.
Then, after the class, I went to sam ash. On the way there, I stopped in a church to film the inside. The man came to me said something about being episcopalian or something. I left, went to sam ash. On the way, i enjoyed random street concerts and made friends with my video camera. I have discovered people seem to like my camera. Musicians seem to like it. All of a sudden, they were not distant. They were in my camera. Afterwards, I would speak to them about music, art, the world, life. Funny, I was just admiring the beauty and soul they had. I think they knew that because when they saw me watching, more of it came out.
At the music store, I walked into the drum room to look at drum machines and kits and boxes and in the room were three musicians -- a woman, an old man and a young one -- all playing the electronic drums with each other. Sharing the moment. It was like a tribal gathering in the concrete jungle. I listened, drawn in, feeling their energy pouring out. Our eyes met and they smiled. It's like meeting family I suppose. I looked at the boxes as one of my next investments. Drums? Well why not? I can learn. I am a sponge. It is learning the craft and then discipline to perfect it and use it. That is all. The inspiration is there.
Then I went and walked towards the park. I had a headache from no coffee, so I stopped in a starbucks and I was getting my coffee from the man who I then got into a conversation with. He told me how he came from Africa and how he had all these stories he wanted to write. “well, why don’t you write them?”
“Because when I sit down, I can't stay there to finish.”
“it is discipline. it is work. if you have a dream, it is your duty to make sure you do all you can to bring it too life. it is like having a baby. you have to feed it, take care of it, pay attention to it”
So I gave him some books to read which should help. I told him what I had learned. Then I went to my reading and writings.
I finished a book, got half way through another. I was listening to enigma. The song return to innocence. To this day, I will never forget how it made me feel the first time I heard it. I was a child. It was on the radio. Music was background and then I heard it and it touched my soul. It made me feel like I could fly. It lifted me high. I was in my basement and time stopped. The world stopped. I found myself there in that song. Those words carried me through life over and over and over. Those words were my only friend sometimes when I was alone in planes or on trains or strung out or let down or had been dumped or lied to or just went out and saw people killing each other and I felt there was too much pain. I learned not to ignore it, but feel it.
These are the words: "That's not the beginning of the end. That's the return to yourself. The return to innocence. Love – Devotion Feeling – Emotion Love – Devotion Feeling – Emotion. Don't be afraid to be weak. Don't be too proud to be strong. Just look into your heart, my friend. That will be the return to yourself. The return to innocence. If you want, then start to laugh. If you must, then start to cry. Be yourself. Don't hide. Just believe in destiny. Don't care what people say. Just follow your own way. Don't give up and use the chance to return to innocence. That's not the beginning of the end. That's the return to yourself. The return to innocence. Don't care what people say. Follow just your own way. Follow just your own way. Don't give up. Don't give up. To return, to return to innocence."
But I learned not to just feel it, but release it. Music was a way I would release it. I would go and become one with the music so to speak and let it out of my heart and as the music passed away, so did my pain. It helped me. It medicated me. It inspired me. Because music can carry the words of angels from heaven. The most amazing music is written through musicians, but is channeled from another world -- a spiritual world. I think it’s a way of communication between heaven and earth.
Speaking of communications between heaven and earth, I walked to the park and there I found a rock on which I laid down. And between the sky and me, stood a tree and a soft breeze and there I laid on the rock and listened to the birds and the sky and closed my eyes and then I was in a place. A place I will try to explain. I have been going there my whole life. I think it is a place most try to get to now and these people speak of transcendence, speak of enlightenment. I think I was lucky because I grew up untouched by what makes it difficult for most to let go, to turn off the neverending mind, to connect with the earth and heaven, to be in a place that is based on the deepest part of the soul. Because you can't go there unless you let go of everything. Unless you open up all the way. It's impossible, but there I was and it is a state of bliss. A high that makes drugs look like junk food. A cheap replacement that doesn't touch it. It is like being plugged into an energy source that pulses through your body. Anything that needs love or peace or strength or to be healed is fixed. Everything inside of me is sorted. Everything falls into place. I let go and it is like something fills every part of me. Every inch. It fuels me. It opens my eyes. It shows me the truth. It makes everything make sense. I feel energy everywhere in my body, like an electrical current. For almost two hours I was there in that place and then I snapped back with one thing burned in my mind.
"Move. Now you have work to do."
So then I went to hear mr. kellar speak, and, as usual, the intelligent spiritual open minded man taught me something. Then afterwards I continued to film. As I filmed all day, in fact, I wrote a ton, made a movie and did all of this. This is only the first half.
Then I went downtown to meet rob, who is a musician friend of mine I have known for some time. He has a good soul and is one of the most spiritual people I know. Someone who I respect as well and would consider family. We spoke of ways we can take what we do and use it to create and help each other. He is someone I want to see do well because he is someone who has a positive message, who is in it for the right reasons, who lives and breathes it, who has a huge soul and a massive heart. That I respect and I will do what I can to help him along his path. We had green tea and discussed many things in relation to music, life, spirituality and projects.
Then, I decided to walk home. We said good-bye and I walked home over the bridge. I thought of all I had learned and I learned a lot today. I was thinking of david and then the phone rang. it was him, of course. I did what I always do. We played "let's get to the root of the disturbance and fix it." Or maybe it is just that I have a machete inside that when I see something trying to choke someone I love and kill their energy and inspiration, I am like a hunter and I will hunt the cause of the disturbance. I will look for it and when I find it, I will have no mercy.
He spoke of things I see and some of you see happening and how it hurts. So let's do something. If we are aware, it is because we need to do something, and not sit around and be dragged down. If we don’t do something, we are part of the problem. If we don’t work, we are feeding it, so use what you have and get to work.
We spoke. The inspiration feeds the dreams and unfolds them. Things snap in our heads. Yes we see; we learn; we make each other see. I find the root quicker and quicker with him the longer I know him. It used to take hours but now I seem to get it pretty quickly. I listen, but I hear what he won't say more than what he will, and then I find the root and in I go. No mercy. You will not kill the inspiration.
I am one when I believe in someone, when I know their potential, when I see what they can be. I will fight for them when they are weak or feel hopeless or alone or like it's too much. I will go in and take some of my energy and go hunting and find the root and then, with truth, rip it out and expose it.
This is what is going on. Now you see it. Now it's over. Now you can be free to work, to dream. Now go. I have been doing this my whole life, with so many people. It’s a gift, I suppose, to see things that people often don’t see themselves. Sometimes, it is a pain in the ass because, well, I only can go in and do what I do if they open up, if they are willing, if they want to know. Because if they are cold hearted and don’t want to face anything uncomfortable, I won't go there. Only if they give me the green light, which is when they let the wall down. Like, I will know someone is tormented by let's say fear. I will see the fear no matter how good they think they are at hiding it. Then I will usually see why, but I can't do or say anything unless either they let me, or if I know them really well and know that it is okay for me to bring it up.
But strangers in the subway? It's hard because I see people and I see things and I want to say something even if it is just "you'll be okay...or here is a book...or maybe you should let go...or whatever." But I know it's not my place. Sometimes I wonder if I should just act. Sometimes I don’t know. Like when the urge hits to give them my book because I know it may help them. Sometimes I act and sometimes I don’t. It is always a struggle.
Then I talked to another friend. So lately it seems there are a lot of people who are having lots of strong dreams. There are people saying things are going to start hitting the ceilings and here are my thoughts: Yes, we will have natural disasters. We have earned them by destroying our world. No, I don’t think new york is the safest place to live in, but nowhere is. I don’t think it is in danger of being wiped out for at least a good chunk of time. Not yet although I think some day it will be a bunch of ashes. And who knows when it will be. As far as aliens and the sun and the tenth planet, I don’t think we need to worry about them. I think we need to worry about what is here and now. And nothing else. Because you know we are all going to die. We are dying every day, so now think of that what matters is why you do things more than what you do. What matters is not what will be here as ashes but what will not.
And yes I think there is lots of pain and chaos and stuff. So go make beauty. Bring light out of the dark. Overcome evil with good. Don’t let evil overcome good.
Jillian
</jillian> <!--11:20 PM-->
<jillian> The reality of being an artist.
I have come to face my own personal demons. In fact, I have spent several years digging within my soul and searching for them, finding them and then drawing them out, facing them and then telling them they must leave me. In the process, I have discovered many things about myself as well as others because, as different as we may think we are, deep down, we are all very much the same in many ways.
Discipline is something people see as bad, but I see it as a way to live in a world of chaos and it helps me to escape the chaos which is everywhere. Many people pop a pill or take other drugs to deal with it, but this does nothing except make it go away for a second or two. It always comes back though because you're only trying to cover it up and ignore it.
I was talking to my therapist and she said, "You get held back or stuck when you let pain stay inside UN dealt with, UN faced, UN exposed."
I used to hide things -- things that happened to me, things I did, things I felt ashamed of or I felt hurt by -- because I was afraid, but then I found the only thing that hurt me in my life was fear. Not the pain, not what hurt me, not the actions. If you cut me, I will bleed; if I fall, it will hurt. But I will continue on.
I was always a dreamer and I had a dream. I would share it with people and they would become part of my dream. I would open up and give them my soul and then, when they would stop believing or leave or their dreams went away from mine or they decided it was too hard, I would be crushed, but I would hold on to the dream. The dream got me here.
I look back and I see my fellow dreamers. I look back and it hurts sometimes. I see them and their dreams are sold to drugs or fear or money or something. They quit trying. They said, "I can't do it, I give up." I want to go back. I want to drag them out and I can't, so I pray and when I can, I try to do something to spark them. But I believe in them no matter how strung up or lost or broken or far away they seem because I don't think anyone is ever too lost. I don't believe in that. I believe that if you believe in something, you let go and just follow your heart regardless of how hard it is or how much you want to die, how much you want to smash your head in a wall or slit your wrist or jump off a bridge or take pills or just be a zombie numb to feeling. You open up. You feel. You do it regardless of whether you like it or not.
Each song is a battle. Each day I wake up and there are voices telling me that I suck, that I cant do it, that I am worthless, that I can't sing, that I cant play, that I can't create. Each day there is my ghost of people in the past who said I was worthless and that I would never be anything or do anything. Each day those fears come around and try to prevent me from creating. It's too painful. You can't cope. It's too much to feel.
But I do it anyways and sometimes I am open and there is pain there and some of it is mine and some of it is that of a million others and some of it is all the souls that are ignored. That haunts me in my dreams.
Stop ignoring your souls, please, because it's costing me sleep and I suppose I am going to be considered a madman or maybe already am for even discussing these things. Yet, I will be a fool for love and a madman for truth.
So, now back to discipline. I wake up and some days I want to smash my head in a wall or jump of a bridge.
Some days I feel so much that I wander to my keyboard and cry. Not because of me. It isn't me. I can deal with my life.
It's when I walk around and I look around and I see and I hear and feel what's going on and maybe I am just not numb to it. Maybe somehow I am just aware. More aware than I want to be sometimes.
But anyways discipline is when I want to curl up on the floor or lose myself to some mindless state of numbing myself and I refuse to do so. I fight. I chose not to curl up or numb myself. Most the time. And I do what it takes to keep creating, to keep growing, to keep trying, to to stay on the path. Sometimes I strip my life down. I fast. I shut out the world if that's what it takes. And I dig and I find the center of the issue. I find the fear and I drag it out and I face it. I expose it and then am free.
I meditate. I pray. I walk. I dig. I search. I have to.
Discipline makes me learn structure and form and scales and theory and practice. Discipline makes me work 12 to 17 hours a day. Discipline is what makes life easy.
Easy? Yes, because the world has enough chaos. I don't need to feed it. I can't counteract it if I am part of it. So that is my focus.
Discipline and expression. Oxymorons? Not at all.
Do you think Beethoven or Mozart were lazy? Talent is a very small portion of it. Work and discipline are a very large portion.
</jillian> <!--4:41 AM-->
<jillian> Tuesday. Today I woke up.
Running late.
I stayed up till five a.m. working on music. It was a surreal experience. The sun was rising and I was just trying to get the melody across. Being possessed by a muse is wonderful most the time. This was one of those times. Part of me considered not sleeping at all.
Then, I went to meet a fashion photographer in Soho. I walked up the stairs and this beautiful small woman meets me at the door. Her loft had a good, warm energy. I went inside and we talked about modeling, about music, about agencies, about life, about boyfriends. Then she and I said goodbye. Hopefully, we will shoot because I like her work and I like her energy.
From there, I took my camera and went to the subway. Uptown to 34th Street. My gut feeling said the photographer moved, so I called rob to get his number. It was disconnected. Oh well, so I just went to mid-town anyways, off the train, into corporate hell central. Midtown is where everyone looks like they are in pressure cookers. They all have the “I have too much to do and too little time” face pressed up against their cell phones. Then you also have lots of workers, who always say things as I pass by. The urge to clunk them over the head with my bag comes and goes. Then I feel sorry for them. No one taught them how to approach women. They are like animals and the city is full of them. They see me and think of mating. I see them and think a combination of “there is no way in hell and if you dare touch me, you won’t live to tell.” And then I feel sorry for them because I know they are just like kids who want candy and I am a lollipop. They don't know any better. They are like four year olds and they react like them too. And I feel sorry for them because I have a wonderful relationship and I have a wonderful sex life and most people don't have either. Most of them dream of getting laid, and because they don't, it’s all they think about all the time. Sure, some of them do and they just can’t get enough. Then again, I can relate to that too although I have learned that sex is like fire – in the right place it is good, healing and positive, but if used without care, it causes damage.
But we won’t get into this conversation or we will be here all day. We will cover that another day. Or night.
So I get to the studio and it is empty. I wander around then the photographer across the hall opens the door. “Looking for marco?”
“Yes,” I said.
“He moved.”
“ I figured.”
“I remember you. You’re back from Italy?”
“Yes.”
He asked for a card and we talked for a bit about shooting, music, life, the world, the usual. Then he gave me marco’s phone number. I called. “I forgot you moved.”
“Don’t worry,” he said. “We will shoot next week.”
I hung up the phone and called mittens. I went to go see him. It was such a nice day out. On days like this, it is impossible for me to sit inside all day, so, instead I go outside all day and stay up all night doing music. I went to meet him and we went to this place. The second time we met, we were there. It seems so long ago, yet also just like it was yesterday.
I walked in. I remember it was last year. I don't remember the date but maybe it was around this time. David and I went to meet him. I remember him talking to me and I remember. I don't know what he did, but he broke a wall. A big wall that night over coffee there. One line stuck in my head. He said, “if you jump, there will be people there who will keep you from falling.”
When David and I left, something happened -- I jumped. One huge leap of faith around a year ago, and what pushed me over the edge was coffee with him and a few words he said that cut to my heart and past all my layers. Sometimes I wonder if he knew. I do it too. Sometimes I say things to people and it just comes out of nowhere. It’s like it’s just there.
So, now, a year later roughly, we sit there and things have changed so much over the course of a year. In a year, I went from not being able to even imagine doing music alone or on my own to having written over 70 tracks. And now I am just starting to get the hang out it. I have a record deal and i am almost done with an album. My life is in a completely different place than it was then.
But, looking back, it is amazing how without people like him and David and others who believed in me and who pushed me to jump when I was afraid – who continue to push – as well as those who, when I reached out, responded. I jumped and have been flying ever since.
Now I am spending the next few weeks finishing an album and as soon is it is done, I will begin another and then another and another. Now, I also begin to look to work with others. I woke up this year. I am a musician. That is the core and all else feeds it. Granted, I am learning and will continue to learn till I am dead, but I know now what I am supposed to focus on.
Because I woke up.
Wait! I can do it all. I can write thirty minute pieces for those who want to meditate to it. I can write three minute pieces for the masses who don't know how to be anywhere for thirty minutes without constant change.
I have to run. I am working on Never Enough. </jillian> <!--1:09 PM-->
<jillian> This morning I went to the local coffee shop, went through emails, wrote a long poem, wrote an article/essay on internet modeling and working with semi professionals and/or newbies.
Sitting there with the jazz playing softly in the background in the corner under a tree, I watched the people pass. The old man with no hair who looked a bit Indian, a bit like an eastern monk. He got coffee and sat down to write. Several hours later, I was walking and saw him again this time he was speaking to someone. “So, did you finish your book," they asked. Well, I assume he is a writer.
The café fills up with writers, musicians, poets and mothers with two year olds. All coming and getting coffee, reading the paper, talking girl talk or mom talk or art talk or men talk. Conversations bleed over even when I work, even when I try to ignore them. I don’t hear everything. Unless I put headphones on, but then I just hear some musician. Either way, I am always hearing conversations.
G meets me at the café and we went over the videos -- behind the scenes clips and lots of them. Me and a camcorder are a dangerous combination because I am a ham in front of it. People think I am so serious till they get to know me. In all reality, I am serious when necessary, but I much prefer acting like a cat on far too much sugar.
Watching the videos is strange. The old ones where I talk about the changes that I knew needed to take place, that brought me here. The videos are my live journal, with the bonus of being able to hear and see me. Granted, you will laugh because I am a bit of a freak in real life.
So afterwards I was walking and it was so beautiful. I had to call mittens just to tell him, just to make sure he went outside, because to miss this day would be a shame, a sin, a crime. I speak to him and he always makes me smile. I spoke to him as I picked up organic groceries.
Why organic? Well, after reading more, I realize that spending a few dollars more each month could keep me from getting cancer in the near future and help me live a happier, healthier life. The things they do to most food will kill you, so buying organic is an easy way to prolong your life a bit. I bought my spinach and lettuce, carrots, sprouts, tofu, beets, and sesame salad dressing, a few bananas, oranges and apples. Lovely, you say. Now you know what I eat.
So then I came home, made a salad and then I went out. To the ocean. To connect.
I took the train and on the way out there, it started.
“Who are you as an artist?”
And I thought of me as a child. I used to sing and sing and sing. To everyone, everywhere, all the time. Till people started treating me strangely because I sang so much. I suppose it wasn’t normal; most people talked. To me though singing was talking. I would sing to strangers and they never seemed to know how to take it.
So then I felt self-conscious about it because it made me feel like an alien. I remember singing in the backyard to the neighbor when he would be near. Or when the bus would go by and it was filled with kids. I would sing at the bus. And at church. I loved church because I could sing and so I did. I spent hours wandering around the woods always singing. I talked musically and the animals seemed to understand. So, needless to say, no one really taught me. I just would sing and there was always a tune.
I dreamed of being a singer. I listened to the radio and I sang with it. I would dress up and sing to the birds, to the trees, to myself.
Then, one day, some kid in church told me I would never have friends because I was always showing off with singing. So I took him seriously and felt that my singing made people go away because I was told I was showing off. I wasn't trying to show off; I just loved to sing. I wasn’t trying to be better, but it was enough for me to stop singing around people. From then on, for years, I hid it. I would go walk for hours and hours in the woods and sing at the top of my lungs. Then, I discovered the piano and I would take the songs and sing them to the piano and it would sing for me. Then I got bashed again, told to stop showing off. So I would wait till people were gone, till it was empty, till no one was watching and then I would be possessed with my muse for hours on end, playing like a madman.
People would sometimes hear me and would gather in the corners and listen for long periods. They would tell my parents I was gifted.
As an adult, I now know those comments were made out of jealousy, but I was a child then and I was a people pleaser. I thought I was hurting them or making them feel bad so I stopped because I didn’t want to make them feel bad. It’s a weird story, but I was hyper-sensitive and so I over-reacted. Most kids would have been like “get over it. I am going to play anyways” but I was like "okay, I won't play when you can hear."
Walking up Clinton Avenue, I thought I was a singer-songwriter, not a producer and not a programmer. My first love is the piano and voice. It always will be and always has been. So now I thought of it
What have I been afraid of? I nailed it or it nailed me as I walked down the street. Okay, fine! No more hiding my vocals, my words, my heart. I have to rip it out and bring it to the surface.
For the last six months, I have been like a child slowly reaching into the layers of myself because a long time ago, I hid something there and I buried it. I put it so far down it has been a pain in the ___ to get it out again.
Since beta, it has been digging. It will be a digging process for life, so I took the train out to far rockaway. I went and started walking to the beach. I looked at all the homes filled with old people. Dying people. Well, we are all dying. I walked by the hospital. I felt things. Hospitals are strange places, full of life babies being born and death. Hospitals are like electrical currents though. The feeling of cancer and heartbeats intermixed with the birds in the sky and the sound of cars from far away.
Past the stores, into a store, I wandered. Old women, obese with little obese children, buying candy. Anger, tense, upset, grabbing the child's hand roughly, “come on.” The little girl sticks the candy back in her mouth. I want to give them fit for life, or take and buy them an apple, or tell them the reason they feel so toxic, so upset, so moody, so unhappy, is because they are eating poison. I walked past the little girl who looked at me. I reached down and touched her head for a second as I went out of the store.
Back into the street, past bodegas, past a halfway house. There, women stand glazed eyed, looking at me, I looked and smiled. I wanted to go get a paint brush and paper and show them how to take feelings and make them art.
Then I went into the bodega to get some almonds. I kept my head down till a group of boys left. They had a lot of tension, not enough money. Stress, abusive parents, bad food, will give kids tension. Most of the gangs of teen boys are mealy boys who have no other outlet for their pain but to inflict it on others. The man behind the counter caught my eye. He looked concerned for him or for me or both. I feel sorry for him. He is trying to make a living to feed his family and every day he sits there and wonders if one of the people will explode because it’s like they are time bombs, all the pressure, the tension, and then - Poof!
That’s when you hear about shootings. It was a time bomb. Someone was cooked, fried. You see it in the street in the summer. People just heating up and then tension. Racial tension, class tension. People don’t know how to calm the tension, how to feed, how to breathe. Then they explode. Just like priest who molests kids. It’s because they should have been masturbating so it didn’t build up and then, when they snap, kids just happen to be in the way.
So then the there was an old man he looked at me. “Ralph Lauren, he is a designer, right?“
"Yes,” I said, “He makes rich people's clothing. The shirts cost more than a hundred dollars.”
I looked at the old man. Chances are that he never had extra money, that he never bought a one hundred dollar shirt. He looked at me, smiled, as did I. I thought of my life. Being here reminds me of my life before New York, before being a model. It reminds me of Salvation Army forever. It reminds me of working in soup kitchens; it reminds me of feeding starving children; it reminds me of my mother wondering if she could pay for the car to be fixed. It reminds me of having nothing.
Looking at the big city and saying that’s where the rich people are. There I sat with him and was aware of how lucky I am. How blessed I am, how rich I am. Even though in New York, I am a starving artist, to the rest of the world, I am rich. Reality check. Again, New York is wonderful. So wonderful, so rich. I mean there are millions and millions of people who live on less than a dollar a day. I sit and drink coffee in the morning that costs a dollar. My coffee.
I walked to the beach. The fog was rolling in and it was beautiful. I felt someone, so I turned around and there was an old man who was a child. He waved and I waved back. I felt him. A child trapped in a man's body. I knew he was following me like a moth to a flame. I went and I climbed on top of the life guard post. I waited. I looked out over the water.
"So what took you so long to come here?" it said. I thought of the years. I said, "Atlanta would be heaven if it had a beach." God lives in the water or it seems it is a very strong connection or maybe it is just I am not too distracted.
I sat. I waited. He walked up. “So, you’re the new lifeguard here to save people?”
I looked for the moment I suppose I am. He looked at me. I saw under the glasses that I couldn’t turn him away so easily. So I opened up and we talked. He told me his life -- how he worked as an ER, how he traveled the world, how now he lived here. He spoke of the world, how dark it was becoming, how bad it was getting, how depressing it was. “Things are dying. The government's messed up. The children are too lazy to start a revolution. If I was your age, I would be fighting.”
I looked at him. "how old am I?"
“Twenty four," he said.
” nope." I looked back over the ocean. "There are some fighting," I said.
Then I looked at him. I looked underneath. Yes he was awake. “do you have the internet”
“no," he said.
”good," I said. He asked where I was from ans I told him. He then asked what I do. “Music”
"what kind?"
“I don’t know how to describe it”
"what do you write about?”
I pointed to my heart. "that’s it. It comes from there."
Then he talked about the old people there running out of money, no one to take care of them, the young ones are all hooked on TV or drugs or are obsessed with money. He went on. I felt him. He saw so much. He wanted to change. He wanted to stop. He would be fighting but he was old now. His energy is still high. He came after me on the beach.
“You know what though?" I said.
"What?"
“Look there at the ocean. Look at the waves. Hear the sound. See it. Feel it. Isn’t it beautiful? Isn’t it heaven here? And you know what? No matter what’s going on in the world, no matter how much pain there is, no matter how much sorrow, how much tension, how much anger, hate, war, death and destruction there is, I know I can always come here and so can you and sit here and I feel heaven here on earth. It reminds me there is always hope and always beauty.”
He looked at me and smiled. I saw the smile fill his whole body. I smiled.
"So are you alone in this life?" I knew he was; he didn’t have to tell me.
"No I am not. I am very lucky. Neither are you," I said.
I looked over the sea. We spoke about music some more, about how he hopes something will come out that will stir people. He looked at me. "I will leave after I make the sun come out."
I looked at him. I looked at the clouds. I looked at him. Well then we will talk till the sun comes out. Who was I to doubt? For all I know, he was an angel in street clothes, so I said, "okay." We continued to talk about the past, the present. He told me about someone I should look up, someone I should meet. He looked at me, “Will you come back?”
“maybe, I tend to roam in places like this because there aren’t many people here. I find desolate areas where it is free space”
“I could learn a lot from you,” he said. I felt like a fool there because he had years on me and if I picked his brain, I am sure he would teach me more. He taught me names in my notebook, hope, that more are awake.
I reached in my bag. "If you get to the internet, here is my address. Look me up. I handed him a card. If I come back I am sure you will see me."
Then I looked up and saw that the clouds were parting. He smiled. “I told you I would make the sun come out.” He looked at me.
Smiled. “I will leave you to work," he said. "I know you have lots to do. I know your mind. So much inside to get out. You don’t sleep much, do you, cause there is so much. You have a gift, now get it out, get to work, you have lots to do.”
“Before you go, how far is it to walk from here to the other end?” I asked.
"Five miles," he said. He looked at me and smiled a huge mile and then he walked away with a bounce in his step, a bit of energy, a live wire, a little fire in his step. Then he was gone.
The sun took his place, so I sat and I mapped out lyrics. An album. Ideas. Concepts. Then I went to leave and the heart said walk and so I did and as I walked, I felt many things. Many of my own thoughts, feelings, emotions interrupted by the jogger, then the children, then two ladies and a dog, but for the most part, I was alone with the ocean on the board walk.
What is next then? I see ideas, visions, the past, the present, the future. All one big puzzle and as I listen, pieces come into view. Piece by piece. The ocean soothes me. It makes me feel free. My most natural state is there by the sea or in the woods or in isolation, in silence, in the still. For there I find peace
Peace till the jogger went by. He looked at me and thought of me as dinner. Nope, close off. I hate doing it. It's like I walk and then I have to just try to be invisible. I used to have two big dogs and they would always go in front of me and if people came around, they would bark. People were afraid of them and they should have been (although they never had to bite anyone). My cats used to be protective too. They would be mean to anyone who had negative energy. I learned a lot from my cat.
Then I really slowed down to let him get out of range. Then I was back in the sky and ocean for 5 long miles. Then I got off and tried to find the subway. I was in the ghetto of far rockaway. Most people think I am insane for going there, but they have never been there. They only see what’s on TV. More people are killed in the city than out there. I went by old abandoned buildings. I went by old cars, and I smelled the smell of grass and gasoline. I walked by fences that were falling apart. I felt like I had been there before.
The whole time I was on the board walk, I felt that way. I saw some of the things I saw during my walk in a dream years ago. I have dreams like that. I am at a place doing something and for years I never understood the meaning. Then one day I am there and the dream is a reality. Making my sleep like a book I read because it’s like puzzle pieces and some day they will all fit.
Sometimes my dreams haunt me. Like for years, I dreamed of what happened in New York two years ago. Now the dreams are of fire and water. I am not the only one having these dreams over and over and over. Many other artists I know have the same or nearly the same dreams, and, frankly, some day I wouldn’t be surprised if it come true. Will it be in my life time? That I don’t know. Will it happen? well, according to science, yes. And according to the big picture over a large extensive span of time, yes. I think it will.
But I also think they will make it mandatory to have a chip in your hand and I also think that we are already in a state of a one world government. They just aren’t telling people that because the government isn’t the government. It is big business which now the government is just an extension of. I also think McDonalds and fast food will give you cancer and that six hours of TV will make you fat and that lying will mess up your life and that there is more to life than money and that all you need is free.
Which makes me according to section 100 mentally insane, but, granted, several thousand years ago, if you tried to feed people what we eat and make them sit still half their lives, they would have said you were insane too. How times have changed.
I also never was in the system, so therefore I have always been on the outside saying, "you guys really like it in there?" Granted, I think all things in moderation are fine, but then again I have fun.
Going to the ocean with a notebook. That, to me, is life.
I took the train back. In the train, it was loud. A crying baby behind me. I looked back. I put my hand nearby and the baby stopped and looked at me. The mother shoved another piece of candy in its mouth, “shut up and eat your candy.” The baby looked at me and looked at the mom. The baby wants love. The mother gives her candy because the mother is stressed, angry, shut off. Too much to think about, too much to do, to young and not ready. The child is starved for love and had hungry eyes.
The people next to me started talking about people, fighting. Their voices rise. They get angry, vicious, attacking, pulling people apart. I stare out the window. They go on. Under all that anger is insecurity, doubt, self loathing. Yet their way of feeling better is bashing people. I sit and stare out the window. I look up. There sits another old couple. I won't even get into it. Then the people over from me are stressed about something and I sit in the middle of a sea of tension. Agony, mixed confused. Then there is an old woman half asleep, half awake. I look at the bodies. I look at their energy, or lack of energy. People. Poor people. They don’t know the other way. Because all their problems aren’t so big and could all be fixed. Their lives could all be so much better with a little help, a little love, a little education, diets, light, love.
But I stare out the window. I wonder if they know that I feel like them for the moments I am there. I wear their shoes. I walk down to the projects and go into the apartments and turn on the TVs and sit and comfort myself like them. I feel the stress of a baby too, soon with no father. I feel the fear of the old woman who knows time is running out.
I am the insecure girl who looks at herself in the mirror and wants to be tyra banks. if she only knew the airbrushing. I stare out the window because I have to. Because part of me wants to react, wants to burst, wants to either scream or cry, but it's not mine, so it just is there and I feel the great joy of the sunshine and the ocean and the man, but just as much as I feel that, I feel what was there beside me.
I choose to feel these things, to remain open. I struggle with it because for a long time I hated it. Now I see it is a tool to be used like all the others. We all have it, some in different ways or levels. We ignore it. We turn it off. We shut it down.
I tried to the best of my power although I learned that no matter how many drugs I did, it wouldn’t go away, so I stopped trying to kill it and learned to live with it.
Off the train. There was a boy. He looked at me saw my book asked about it. We talked for a bit. He throws parties. Then I got off, walked down the street, got home and now I have to go do music.
</jillian> <!--12:52 AM-->
<jillian> I used to play a game with God. I used to ask him for things to create. Then, I would have it and it would sit inside of me like a child screaming to be let out till it was done. Then I would wait and there would be another vision, idea, dream, concept, melody.
One by one, they fall into my heart from the sky. Needless to say, it has kept me pretty busy most of my life although there were times when I decided not to play the game with God. I would open up and channel whatever else was hanging around. That isn’t such a good idea sometimes. And that brings me back to God.
For some reason, people think He is some stuck up thing that is cold and like an ice cube. Maybe God is just my term for the universe or whatever one thing is out there, but there is SOMETHING out there.
For the last few days, life has flowed. It is the amazing thing about life when you stop obsessing about what to eat, what to wear, who you're sleeping with, what your next raise his, who hates who, what is happening on TV, who is winning the world series, who is killing, who is making more money than you, who is eating more than you, who is fatter, who has a better car, who has a bigger house, who has better kids, who has a bigger office, who has a better job, who has more money, more fame, more power, more sex, more drugs, more anything.
I sit around and the thoughts come into my head:
You’re not pretty enough; I am what I am
You’re not good enough; I will work and grow -- no one is perfect
The "no one loves you" thought comes into my head now and then, but it's a joke because it’s a lie.
The "you’ll never do anything worthwhile" thought comes too, but it’s a lie also and, frankly, what is worthwhile is not a way to measure yourself.
The "everyone will hurt you and leave you" thought comes around also, but then i tell myself, "yes, so what? I hurt people too. It’s a fact of life. We hurt each other. It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other."
The "people will judge you and think you’re a
Those voices though control so many people. They are fed by the TV. They are fed by advertising. They are fed by music. They are fed by a huge machine -- a machine most of you plug into.
We have replaced a meaningful relationship with a spiritual food with a meaningless relationship with materialism, commercialism, or, let’s say it in good old fashioned terms -- idolatry.
Now what is an idol? What is a god? It is whatever controls your mind. Now, I have done many things people consider bad, evil, sinful and yet those were actions -- those things, those pleasures -- that never controlled me for long periods of time. I would get caught up and still do sometimes -- my heart gets stuck like glue on the bottom of my shoe -- but I see it, feel it, and then clean it off.
Most people have relationships with there tvs. I look at tv like this: a good movie for an hour or two a few times a week is good and expands your mind. Most people though are in love with, worship and adore their tv. Their idol, their love, is their tv. They don’t go out. They don’t do anything. They work to serve their box which they bow down to.
"OH mighty tv, what do I need?"
"You need this car and these clothing and this girl friend and these toys. And you need to be like these people."
"OH mighty tv, how can I please you?"
"Feed me your life, your soul, your body, your energy."
Millions of people are walking dead men because, after years of sitting in front of tv for 4-6-8 hours a day, their mind is FRIED.
I love tv. when I am around it, I don’t want to turn it off either. I want to get lost in that world of fantasy, so I got rid of it. I don’t own one and people say how do you do it all?
Well, I don’t worship tv. I don’t have a relationship with a tv. I don’t care about what is POPULAR. Popular is what THEY want you to think is popular so you will buy it, so you will consume.
Meanwhile, more and more are dying from disease caused by lack of exercise and proper food.
So, now, here is what I do: I watch good movies and that’s it. The news doesn’t matter anyways because you know what? In all truth, half of it isn’t true anyways. Sure, it's good to think you know what's going on, but if you believe the media, well, you're going to be in for a shock one day if you ever start to look under the curtain. You’ll find the wizard and then you’ll see its one big show, baby.
So, you say, "No one loves me; I can't do anything; I want to die; the only comfort I get is downloading porn and watching tv; no one would want to talk to me because I am
Now, that’s all good and clever, but you're wrong because up here, in the hidden jungle of concrete, there are people like me and those around me who speak of you often. We speak of you and we don’t know you, but we do and, frankly, we speak more often than not about ways to try to reach you. It's about education because you may think you're fat because of genes, but I can tell you that it’s most likely a lie and it can be fixed for free. You think no one cares; you feel like you're lost in a big machine and your parents don’t care; your boyfriend doesn’t care; your boss, your teacher, no one REALLY knows you or cares about you.
Well, you’re wrong. They do. You just can’t see them but they see you.
Now I learned this early on, but I had encounters that showed me that as much as I thought no one loved me and no one cared, I always knew there was something up there, out there, above me, around me, that was always there who cared, who made sure that I never faced more than I could take, and who kept me going even when I thought I just should be dead.
The something that is there sees you and then comes and bugs people like me and others who said we want to do what we can to help fix the mess. So you’re not alone.
And the next time you're in your room watching TV, afraid to turn it off because you may have to listen to yourself, the only way you’ll ever be free is if you get away from the blasted thing and start having a relationship with your soul.
The soul is better than TV because it's real.
And it’s your life.
And it’s free.
If you let anyone thing CONSUME you, it will kill you. It is your idol -- your god.
Now, speaking of God. I believe in God because of personal experiences. Nothing more and nothing less. I don’t care if you believe in God or not. Nor do I want to try to convince you that He is real. That’s between you and yourself-. I just hope you understand that I speak of God because He is a part of my life and something that is real to me. God may not be real to you and you may disagree (and I went through a time when I thought God was a big joke as well so I understand), but, just as I am not trying to convince you that He is real, I hope you will respect my views and not try to convince me that He is not. Because there is nothing to prove. Look, if you don’t believe in God that’s cool. Half of my friends don’t. It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t care. It doesn’t make me think I am better or chosen or any of that crap. It’s just what I choose to believe. I have done my research about things. You either believe in science or in God. Either way, you either put faith in machines and calculations and in science or in a God. Either way you believe in something.
Most people don’t like the idea of God because that means there is someone out there and they're not hidden and therefore it means responsibility, or at least that’s what it was for me. I knew that if I said, "yes, you're real, God," it meant that I had to take responsibility for my actions. It meant that I was more aware. It meant I was awake and when I did things, it meant I felt the effects, fully and deeply. If I loved and gave, I felt great joy. If I was harmful or selfish, I felt great sorrow, for I knew I hurt myself, someone else and God. So, I understand about avoiding God, and I did it for a long time. Then I discovered that God doesn’t care really what you do. He just doesn’t like being ignored and avoided, and, when you avoid him, you have to cut off your soul because realistically, if you’re aware and deep and listen to your soul, it will keep searching.
Off with the tv and on with the soul!
Free
Free
Ever been free?
Free Your Mind.
</jillian> <!--2:17 PM-->
/archives